62. Stuff

Did I ever tell you all about the therapist my mom and I went to to deal with our ‘stuff’? We had this two week fight, which I ended by saying “Okay, I’m done talking about this now, we need to see a therapist.”

Well, we found one who lived pretty much right in between us (2 hours away from me, 3 hours away from my mom) and we went to see her twice. She was quite sick then, she actually at one point cancelled two appointments because she was unable to see us. I was originally quite hopeful about the appointments but then, well, they sort of turned out to do more harm than good. Part of the reason was that we were only able to see her 3 times, which just isn’t enough to get through anything significant. Another reason was that during one of her private meetings, my mom told her that I was gay. This honestly, had nothing to do with our problems (we were dealing with communication issues that go back to pretty much preschool), but it of course became this huge issue. During one of our private meetings, the therapist talked all around the ‘gay issue’, until I just said “Just to clear the air, I’m assuming my mom told you I’m gay”.

She told me my mom had alluded to the ‘issue’, and so I told her that a)I didn’t think it had anything to do with our communication problems and b)I’m celibate so there is no way it’s relevant to any aspect of what I was there to talk about (ie: relationship issues). She actually seemed quite positive in that meeting, telling me that she had gay friends, one of whom had helped her a lot when she was going through a particularly low period (he took her in when her husband left her)… she also used the phrase ‘coming out of the closet’ to talk about accepting the reality of various situations in my life. I got the impression that she was ‘gay positive’, which I kept to myself because I didn’t want my mom to find out – she would have been quite upset to think that.

One of the things that kept getting brought up was my weight (not by me or the therapist, but by my mother). It was frustrating to say the least, I was trying to talk about our communication, and my mom kept just saying over and over again “I think she needs to lose weight.” It was like talking with a plant. And she’s right, you know, I’m what I’ve referred to as a “bigger black woman”, and I know I should lose weight, but again, it was irrelevant to the issue at hand. Anyway, the reason I bring that up is because my mom recently called this therapist and found out that she’s dying. Like I said, she was quite sick, so it doesn’t come as a surprise, but it is sad. She was sweet. Well, she and my mom spoke for a few minutes and apparently this woman’s last words of advice for me are this (as relayed by my mother, who I don’t think would lie about a woman’s dying words): “Tell JJ I’m not worried about her weight. I am worried about the gay thing. I worry about her going into a gay lifestyle. I’ve worked with people like that and those people will chew you up and spit you out. As long as she’s celibate I wouldn’t worry.”

I don’t want to speak ill of the almost dead, but what? Those people? Like the kind who took her in when her straight husband abandoned her? Like one of my best friends from high school, who has comforted me so many times when my mom was driving me batty, who has been with her girlfriend for 6 years now? Like one of my dear gay guy friends who helped me accept who I am and learn to not hate myself?

And that those were her last words to my mother? That sucks. I know that will come back and bite me in the ass at some point. I can hear my mother saying, “Even _________ knew that this was an unhealthy state of being. Do you remember her last words of advice to you? She knows about ‘those people’. She worked with them. Do you want to be like that?”

Argh.

Of course, she did go on to tell me how 'proud' she was of me for making the 'right decisions', saying that I have always done that. She mentioned an incident when I was seven when someone gave me a Smurfs game and I willingly threw it out because my mom believed that Smurfs were evil. I didn't really care about the game because I didn't watch the show so it wasn't the best present to give me. I was more worried about what the person who gave the present to me would think. I now think it was kind of ridiculous that I wasn't allowed to watch the Smurfs because, really, it was just a cartoon about little blue creatures. But my mom was apparantly really proud of me back then.

Oh, and I know I told you about that ‘healing week’ I went to, well my mom’s going to one. And here’s the really messed up part. They’re giving her the same counselors as they gave me. Isn’t that warped? The thing that’s annoying is that I was supposed to follow up with those women, but as I only really went to make my mom happy, and I kind of moved to the other side of the planet shortly afterwards, I didn’t bother. And now I have to figure something out, cause she’ll be pissed.

In other completely non personal news, have you heard about this? Faith in America: Religion Based Bigotry, Let’s End it Now and Forever. I think it’s a really cool idea, but I know what people like my mother would say. She will say it’s evidence of the homosexual agenda rearing its head in the church. That these people are obviously not real Christians, etc… You know what I would like to see? Some more moderate conservatives like Tony Campolo (even though I know some dismiss him entirely). I would like to see a Christian who believes that homosexual behavior is a sin who doesn’t feel the need to use that belief to trample on the rights of others. I mean, don’t most evangelicals believe that premarital sex is a sin? Yet they don’t try to make it illegal, because that would be absurd. Most Christians realize that they can’t expect people who believe differently from them to live according to our rules. Why do they find this particular issue so important? So vital to our survival as Christians?

Anyway, I’m exhausted. Willie Hewes asked me if I got an Easter Break, and I didn’t. Which is kind of funny considering that one of the first things my boss told me (really, he bragged about it) was how much more Christian Korea was than Canada, yet they don’t take a holiday for Easter… no Good Friday, let alone Easter Monday (although, to be fair, I’m pretty sure only Canadians have Easter Monday… we love our long weekends!) And the hilarious thing was that none of the kids had even heard of Easter… not even the Easter Bunny… they did have a missionary in, so I’m assuming he explained, but it was in Korean so I have no idea.

Well, I’m off to bed now. Night all!

61. What's Sex Got To Do With It?

Coming out to someone is always an interesting process. If it wasn’t for the anxiety it causes, I’d do it all the time because the different responses people have are fascinating. I’ve had more than one person feel the need to confess something “equally intimate”, and am therefore the bearer of some rather awkward secrets.

As an aside (I am fond of asides, eh?) I just had the most blasé coming out ever. Well, it happened a few weeks ago, but still. I mentioned a little while back that one of my co-workers (who I shall creatively call S) was moving in next door. Based on some stuff she had said at work I was fairly certain that she would be ‘cool with it’… you know, my being gay. I no longer feel comfortable living in a world where no one knows so, a couple of days after she moved in, when we were going over our collective music collections and she noticed my Ani Difranco CD’s, I told her. The conversation went something like this.

S: “Ani Difranco! I love Ani Difranco. She is awesome! Ooooh, I don’t have this one…”

Me: “Mmmhmmm… I’m gay…”

S. “Cool. Can I borrow this one?”

Me: “Sure.”

So, that was pretty easy. She has since followed true to form for all of the non-Christian women I’ve come out to and mentioned some same-sex attractions she has felt. I don’t know if she mentioned those things because she knows I’m gay or not, but it’s an interesting pattern.

Anyway, the reason I bring this up is because my last post got me thinking about some things… about sexuality and what it actually means. You probably don’t see a connection because you don’t live in my brain. Let me explain. One of the first people I came out to had a very intriguing response. After affirming that she continued to love me, she actually went on to wonder why my sexuality was such a big deal… after all, she was “only a sexual person for about an hour a day.”

My first thought was “Every day? For an hour? That’s pretty impressive.” My next thought was, “Wait a minute. I know that sexuality is more than sex, because I am not having sex and my sexuality is still a huge part of me.”

I explained things to myself by saying that my sexuality then obviously was wrapped up in lust… but time has changed things. As I have become more open about being gay with myself and my close friends, my lust issues have diminished drastically… as I mentioned before, it’s been a bit of a shock. I’m not saying that I’m perfect, I’m just saying that self-control is a lot easier now. When you add that up with the fact that I haven’t been seriously attracted to anyone in a long time, a question comes to the fore. I am not having sex, I am not experiencing lustful, or even romantic feelings… so what is my sexuality doing? Is it gone? Is it dormant?

I was debating recently whether or not to come out to my church family as a whole (not sure how that would work, exactly… an announcement in the bulletin? Not bloody likely) because I was feeling very frustrated by being in the closet. I was trying to explain to a good friend why this would be important and it was really hard to explain. Why do people need to know who I’m drawn to romantically when, in fact, right now I’m not drawn to anyone at all? My sexuality really has no relevance to most of my relationships at church, so why do I care? I just do because I know that my sexuality is more than just sex. This, of course, is something that straight people don’t really think about because their experience is the norm… and no one ever really asks them to deny or suppress their sexuality – even demanding abstinence is not suppressing sexuality, because an abstinent heterosexual is still permitted to feel, and even to enjoy and explore their attractions, something that most Christians would rather we gays don’t do.

Incidentally, the way that I solved this debate (about whether or not to come out) was to think about it really hard, and then move to the other side of the planet. I’m a real problem solver!

Anyway, I’ve been thinking about this for the last week or so, ever since my post about Marvin Bloom, and why he seems smothered to me. Well, it turns out that Peterson got wind of my post and put a section of it on his blog and lo and behold, there were comments… and one of them addressed this very issue. It was written more eloquently than I could ever hope to, so I’m just going to copy and paste it here. Kurt T wrote:

“Here is an analogy that might work, or it might make me sound like a nut. Once I had a semi-severe back injury. Well, not like I had to go into the hospital or something, but it took a while to recover.

And the funniest thing about having a back injury is you never realize until your back doesn't work anymore all the things that you were using your back muscles for, and now you can't do those things. Like you can't get out of a chair. You can't pull weeds. You can't reach the stuff on the top of the refrigerator. You drop your keys on the floor, forget it. They're gonna stay on the floor.

And then you say to yourself "That's funny. It never occurred to me I needed my back to do any of that stuff."

To me, that's kind of what happens when you suppress your sexuality. You think that your sexuality is just something you use when you're on a date, or having sex or looking around for a hook up, but really you need your sexuality for lots of other stuff. Your creativity, your passion, your appreciation of a beautiful spring day or the sound of a clarinet playing "Begin the Beguine." Your sexuality is part of what makes all of that happen.

You don't think about it. You're not really aware of it, but your sexuality is part of the complex formula that brings all that joy into your life. As Edith Piaf would say "Oui, la vie, c'est l'amour, et l'amour, c'est la vie."

So when Marvin represses his sexuality, he's really repressing a lot more than he bargained for.”

I want to pose this question to anyone who stumbles upon this blog. What do you think sexuality is? Do you think it is something that merely comes into play during ‘sexual activity’? If so, can you explain why you think that? And if you think it is more, can you elaborate as to how and why? Kurt’s response was awesome, but I would love to hear more.

Oh, and another aside. It seems that Marvin got wind of my last post about him and was kind of upset. I never meant to upset him, as a matter of fact, I never posted a comment to one of his posts for that reason. I’ve asked Peterson to convey my apologies for hurting his feelings. Oh… and if you listen to this particular post, I just want to let you know that I am not a gambler (never even bought a lottery ticket), nor am I a man. Just wanted to clear that up.

60. Neutered

Okay, this is my second attempt at writing this post. I just completely lost it… no idea where it went. It’s not like my computer froze or anything… the post just disappeared. Weird.

Anyway, these thoughts aren’t new ones. I was just over at Peter Toscano’s blog, catching up on the adventures of Marvin Bloom – and just to put all my cards on the table, every time I listen to one of his audio posts I can’t help but wonder if he’s for real – I mean, the exgay guy goes on his first heterosexual date, and the girl turns out to be a lesbian! That’s got to be a joke right? Anyway, if he’s for real, right now he’s taking that girl through his ex-gay stuff to help stop being a lesbian.

It got me thinking about how just a few short years ago I was really aching to be ‘fixed’. My main beef with God and life in general was that I wasn’t being made straight, no matter how I begged and pleaded and believed. I remember in one of my meetings with one of my old pastors, she told me to stop using the word ‘fixed’ because she couldn’t help think that I was asking to be neutered, and that was kind of gross.

The thing is… now I think that was kind of what I was asking for. I mean, I don’t think that’s what I meant, but I think that’s what it would amount to. I listen to Marvin Bloom, and I think that if he is for real, then I wish him well… but I also worry, because he seems unwell emotionally… and spiritually too, actually. Like something significant is being smothered in him… like he’s only using half of his person. I don’t really know how to explain it any better. I think you’ll hear what I mean if you listen to his posts. You know how when you neuter a cat, it gets kind of sluggish? It’s kind of like that. Not that he’s sluggish, but part of him is.

If you had asked me a few years ago if I wanted to be straight, the answer would have been a very quick and emphatic “yes”. Now, the answer is a fairly certain “no.” (Not completely certain, but simply because I like to remain open to all possibilities.) And that “no” is not because I have anything against being straight, or even that I think that “God made me this way”, but because I think that if I were to suddenly become straight, I would end up being a completely different person. Being gay is such a central part of me (just like being straight is central to any straight person) that if that were to be removed, I have no idea what would be left. I can’t even say that I wish I could go back to the beginning of my life and just be straight from then on, because I don’t know what that would look like, and I have no idea what that version of me would want at all.

I am who I am, and I’m fairly at piece with that. I just need to know what to do with myself. I was looking over one of my old journals and found this sentence today. "I suppose I could pray that God would take away the feelings, but that seems wrong and somehow backwards - like asking God to remove my knee because it hurts right now." It's amazing how we grow and change, eh?


In other news, I took that personality test that Liadan and E were took and found out that I’m a Considerate Experiencer. It was a fun test, and seems rather accurate to me. The one thing I would want to point out is that my femininity rating was quite high – 90%. The only reason I want to point this out is because so many people think that being gay means that you have gender identity issues. Yes, I have some masculine characteristics, but they are mostly external things (ie: wearing pants, not wearing makeup, not sitting with my knees pressed together, etc…). Any personality test I’ve ever taken that has had a masculine/feminine rating, I have always scored crazy high in my femininity… I remember one test in high school I actually scored at 150% female. The guest speaker who administered that test had never seen a score like that before. She actually made me take it again, and added the score up herself.

59. Homophobia

So… here’s my second set of blog-themed thoughts brought on by two separate incidents at the school I’m teaching at.  Before I describe the incidents, I should tell you something about Korean children, or at least about the Korean children at the school I teach at. They all seem to be miles ahead of their Western counterparts when it comes to the birds and the bees.  It’s not that they’re having sex in kindergarten (the level of all of our students, ages 5-7), it’s that they are kind of dating already.  They hold hands, they kiss, they buy each other gifts, they carry each others books, they caress each other (a sentence that has actually been heard in my class on several occasions: “Shawn, stop stroking Ashley’s face and pay attention!”).  I find it so strange, because I have no recollection of having any sort of real crushes or romantic feelings (straight or gay) at that age.  Anyway, the incidents are as follows.

Incident 1:  Happened in the class of the little lesbian girl I’ve now mentioned twice.  A new boy arrived in their class and decided he had a crush on her.  So one day after he was finished his work, he walked over to her and started stroking her hair and telling her how pretty she was.  She, of course, ignored him completely.  Before the teacher could say anything, another boy in the class piped up, “Oh… no. She likes girls.  She doesn’t like boys.”  

The thing that was so interesting about it was how matter of fact it was.  It was not said in a mocking way, in fact, this girl doesn’t get mocked at all for liking girls – whether or not she turns out to actually be a lesbian, the fact is that these kids know what it means to have crushes, and they just accept the fact that this girl has crushes on other girls.  They readily accept her for who she is.  

And it can’t possibly be that Korea is a tolerant society… in fact, anything official you read here will tell you that there are no gay Koreans.  It would be funny if it weren’t so sad.  Even that sermon I mentioned before, the pastor who mentioned gay people wasn’t talking about Korea; he was talking about a vacation he’d been on in America.  Homosexuality is seen as a “Western Problem”.  Of course, that’s all crap.   I think I was chatting with Eric from Two World Collision at the time, but when I was sifting through Korean job offers I was looking up various Korean cities to see what they were like and one particular city (can’t remember which one), the very first site to come up was a site listing gay venues in that city.  And these weren’t gay venues set up by foreigners (yes, I checked out the site, I was curious), these were Korean gay venues set up for Korean gay people.  Anyway, the point of this is to explain that the attitude of this particular class is not the attitude of the country.  These children haven’t been indoctrinated yet.  

Incident 2:  This incident happened in my class.  And I actually didn’t see it happen, I came in right after and heard one of the little girls in my class explaining the finer points of heterosexuality to a little boy (these kids are 5 and 6).  The explanation went something like this, “No, no… boys kiss girls.  Girls kiss boys.”

One of the other girls in my class actually rolled her eyes as she explained to me “Brian kissed Ian.”  I’m not sure what annoyed her, the boys kissing, or the explanation.  

This is hardly the first time two boys have kissed in my class.  Two boys who have since left my class (at the end of the last term) used to kiss all the time.  And as long as they weren’t kissing while I was teaching I didn’t actually care.  At least not after I got over the shock of it… not that boys were kissing, but that 5 year olds were kissing each other with anything more than platonic pecks.  I should point out that I had plenty of boy/girl kisses to contend with too.  

Anyway, all of this got me thinking about homophobia, and where it comes from.  Many on the religious right insist that it’s innate.  I know that many of them would probably resent the use of the term “homophobia”, but well, I don’t know what other term to use to describe the attitudes I hear from that camp.  The thinking there is that homosexuality is just ‘icky’ – of course, this is because they can’t think of homosexuality without thinking about ‘the gay sex’… and, yeah, I can see how that would be unpleasant if you are not inclined to enjoy ‘the gay sex’.  But why do you have to immediately go to thinking about gay sex?  I mean, I don’t see a straight couple and start thinking about them in bed together.  Seriously, if that was they way I thought, people would say I had a problem.  Yet this is what straight people, particularly the religious right, do whenever they think about gay people… so I think that’s more their problem.  One of my best friends’ husband actually put it rather succinctly one time – “Straight people are obsessed with gay sex.”

Okay, I keep veering off on tangents.  The thing I am now curious about is when does this homophobia set in?  Is it innate?  Was that little girl who explained that girls kiss boys just parroting something her parents said (which seems like an odd thing for the parent of a 5 year old to say to a child), or was she actually expressing her innate distaste for what she saw?  The children who just accept the little lesbian girl (who are a year or two older than the kids in my class), is that attitude going to change naturally?  Or are they going to have to be taught that they should disapprove?

I feel like I should say that I don’t necessarily think these kids are gay.  To be perfectly honest, I don’t think they are… the only one I even remotely suspect might be gay is the little lesbian girl, but even then I have some doubts.  It could be just that she doesn’t like boys yet and sees everyone else kissing and stuff, so she does it with girls for now.  Who knows.    

Part of the reason I’m so curious about this is because my first memory of knowing that I was gay came in the wake of some homophobic comments.  I remember it quite distinctly.  We were all standing in line outside of our grade four classroom when Kimberly Eyers decided for some reason to kiss everyone in line, boys and girls.  Just on the cheek, nothing like what these Korean kids do, but still, someone called her a “homo”.  I’m not even sure how I recognized the word, but I distinctly remember thinking “Oh, right, I have to keep this a secret.”  And there began my life in the closet.  I wonder how different my life would have been if I had had a class like the one our little lesbian girl has.  Or would I have eventually ended up in the closet anyway because the kids would have eventually ‘matured’ and turned on me?      

58. Sweet Tooth

Yes, yes, I know… it’s been ages.  I’m really sorry.  The thing is, I have so many thoughts that I doubt I’ll get them all down in one blog entry so if I have energy again tomorrow I might very well write another one… can you imagine?  2 blogs in 2 days?  

Don’t get your hopes up.

Before I begin my thoughts for today (my, how formal that sounds!) I should tell you the reason for the huge delay between blogs.  My life has just gotten crazy stressful.  The stress I felt before the new term started (In Korea, the school year runs from March to March) I thought would end with the beginning of the new term, but things have gotten worse.  The school I work at has decided to add a whole bunch of new students (and a whole bunch of new classes) without adding any new teachers, which means that all of the foreign (English speaking) staff at the school are now working some crazy-ass hours.  I actually teach for 7-9 hours a day… and that’s all teaching time (well, minus the lunch that we actually had to fight for!).  In Canada, the school hours are about 6 hours, but it should be noted that that is not all teaching time because they are aware that that would drive anyone crazy.  It’s exhausting.  And it’s seriously affecting me.  I am usually able to be fairly diplomatic, but I’m so tired that I’ve caught myself saying some rather blunt things at work.  For example, I’ll transcribe a conversation I had with the supervisor the other day when she asked me to fill out some forms that, frankly, rather ridiculous, and that we had never had to fill out before.

Supervisor:  “Could you fill in the names of the books you have read to the children this past week?

Me: “No.”

Supervisor:  “Um… I need you to write down the names of the stories…”

Me. “No.”

Supervisor, giggles a bit:  “Um… just write the names down here…”

Me:  “No.”

Supervisor:  rather confused, I imagine, “Uh… okay, just write the books.”

Me:  “No.”

Supervisor: exasperated, “Um… why?”

Me: “Because it’s dumb.”

Supervisor:  “What?”

Me:  “It’s stupid.”

Supervisor:  “Um, okay, but just write it down.”

Me:  “No.”

Not the most eloquent I’ve ever been, I have to say.  And that is only a short part of it.  That conversation lasted for the entire 5 minute break I had between classes… the 5 minutes I was hoping to use to sit at my desk and stare into space.  And in case you’re wondering, I did end up filling out the forms… sort of.  I read stories twice a week to 4 different classes, and I usually read more than one story to each class.  I have no idea what story I read to what class on whatever day, so I just made it up.

Okay, onto my blog relevant thoughts.  The other day at work some of my coworkers were talking about this huge party they went to, and some pictures that had been taken, including a picture of some girls (straight girls) kissing.  One of the girls, incidentally, was the girl who I think gaydared me, the one I think is… well, she’s pretty.  You might think I’d be shocked and dismayed by this, but I’m not.  Firstly, because this sort of thing happens all the time… at least, I hear about it all the time.  I don’t go to those sorts of parties, but certain segments of my friends do and they tell me.  The second reason I’m not shocked?  Well, I’m gay… really gay.  I’m gay to the point that, while I know that gay men and straight women exist, I just don’t understand how anyone can actually not be attracted to women, at least on some level.  

That’s probably a bit extreme.  It’s kind of like finding out that other people don’t like a movie that you think is phenomenal.  You understand that people have different tastes, but how could they not like something you thought was amazing?  It’s not that I think they’re lying, it’s just that… well... women are beautiful.  It’s kind of like sugar.  Everyone likes sugar, right?  I mean, they have to.  Some like it more than others, but doesn’t everyone like sugar?  It tastes good.  Doesn’t everybody have at least a bit of a sweet tooth?

And it doesn’t hurt that without exception, every single non-Christian woman I have ever come out to has “confessed” to me that they have occasionally fantasized about or been attracted to women.  It’s always so funny to me, because they usually say it thinking it’s going to be this huge deal, that I’m going to be shocked, but in my head I’m going “well, of course… women are hot.”

Anyway, the reason I bring this whole thing up is that the emotion I feel whenever I hear about 2 straight girls making out is not shock, or even hope that one of them might be gay and maybe I have a chance… it’s jealousy.  Pure and simple.  Not wishing that I could be one of them, because I don’t just want to kiss some random straight girl.  But I’m jealous that there are all these straight girls who have gotten to experience something that I haven’t… that it’s not a big deal to them.  And I also feel angry.   That sometimes it’s even a joke, something they do to titillate the boys, that it actually would be kind of okay for me to kiss a girl if I were straight… that it’s more acceptable for two straight girls to kiss than it is for two gay girls (or two gay guys for that matter) to kiss.  I hate that something that I long for is so easily attained (if only on a superficial level) by straight girls.  

Of course, like I said, I don’t want just some random kiss in a bar at a party.  I’ve had enough of kissing people I don’t care about.  Granted they were all boys, and all of them had the same effect on me – the same thoughts… “Okay, so when does this start to feel good?”  

Maybe it would be different if it was a girl, maybe I would like it then… who knows.  Regardless, I have kind of decided that I won’t kiss any more people I don’t really have ‘feelings’ for.  Of course, I should tell you that I made that decision over 5 years ago, so it’s been over 5 years since I’ve kissed anyone… and it’s not like I was a snoggaholic before that.  My first kiss was at 23, and my last was at 25.  Oy.  When I actually write that stuff out it kind of freaks me out.  Makes me want to be a hermit.  Either that or go to one of those parties and make out with the first 5 people I see.  

Well, these thoughts don’t have a lot of cohesion, because like I said, I’m exhausted.  And I have more thoughts, but I think you’ll have to wait for those ones because I’ve worn out my mental capacity writing this entry.           

57. Heresy Anyone?

In a minor deviation from my regular theme, I thought I’d share a little glimpse of one of my classes today.

It was one of my afternoon classes, which is actually pretty much my favourite time of day… it’s a class of 4 ten and eleven year olds.  One of the boys, whom I shall call Robert, found this weird plastic strap type thing, and made it into a crown, and declared himself king.  One of the other boys, whom I shall call Terry said (incidentally, in perfect English, which was itself pretty impressive), “Well, if you’re king, then I’m God.”

My eyebrows shot up, at first thinking “that’s some impressive theology for a 10 year old… he knows that God is greater than a king!”  But that wasn’t the end of it.  Robert countered with, “Well, if you’re God, then I’m Jesus!”

I almost gave myself whiplash, my head turned so fast.  But it didn’t there.  Terry countered with “Well, if you’re Jesus, then I’m Super Jesus!”

My hot tea almost came out of my nose.

Robert:  “If you’re Super Jesus, then I’m Giant Super Jesus!”

Terry:  “If you’re Giant Super Jesus, then I’m Ultra Giant Super Jesus!”

Robert:  “Well, I’m Great Giant Super Jesus…”

Terry:  “I’m Great Giant Super Jesus Ultra humongous….”

I think it was around here that they realized I was in hysterics and the entire class proceeded to lose it.  It took me about 10 minutes to get everyone back on track again.

Hey, a little heresy never hurt anyone did it?

Oh, well… I don’t think this particular bit of heretical conversation will hurt anyone.

56. Valentine's Day

Well, it’s here. Valentine’s Day.  I actually would have probably forgotten about it if I wasn’t working with kids.  For the first time in a long time I’m not surrounded by couples, and I’m not living in a place that feels the need to plaster pink hearts all over everything for a month before the actual day.  I don’t have cable (which means I have no TV channels) so I don’t know if there are a ton of commercials celebrating romance.  This is the first Valentine’s Day in a long time that I haven’t felt slightly bitter, and like a second class citizen…  I mean, I’m single, I’m thirty… if I were in a sitcom I’d be the funny, loveable, overweight sister of the sexy lead actress – who they would eventually set up in a relationship because single women over thirty are apparently pathetic.  

But, as I said, I am not feeling bitter this year… for the first time in 5 years (quite specifically, for the first time since I lived in Ireland).  I got an insane amount of chocolate from the kids at school – more than I really know what to do with… and it will probably happen again next month (they have 3 consecutive chocolate themed holidays in a row here… today is actually “White Day”, I forget what next month’s is, but the one after that is “Black Day”, when single people are supposed to treat themselves… a neat idea!).

I don’t have much to say, I just wrote a post yesterday.  But it is Valentine’s Day so I thought I should post.  I think I’ll just point you in the direction of some interesting reading I’ve encountered recently.  E over at Paradoxy has an excellent series he’s been writing called Defending Truth by Telling Lies.  I don’t know if he’s intending to write more on this subject, but so far he’s got Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3.  And then there’s an article that Brady over at Some Guys are Normal linked to from Christianity Today magazine.  It’s really an excellent article about the attitude of Christian conservatives towards gays.  I’ve actually read a bunch of really thoughtful articles from that magazine recently – even their review of Brokeback Mountain wasn’t all about how the ‘gay agenda’ was taking over or any of that nonsense that the Religious Right likes to talk about.  Oh, and then there’s this post about Battlestar Galactica over at The Chaos Principle.  I realize that it has nothing to do with being Christian, gay or confused, but it was really interesting to me.  Oh, and one more.  If you have a chance, go listen to Eric from Two World Collision’s interview on GCN Radio.  He’s the February 10th episode.  

Okay, I’ve gone a little linktastic there, so I think I’ll give it a rest.  

Happy Valentine’s Day

Love, and all that other mushy stuff.

55. Women

No, I have not dropped off of the face of the earth… I’ve just been busy… and tired.  I’ve been online, and reading other people’s blogs.  I just haven’t had the energy to write my own.  As much as I love children, they certainly can drain you of energy.  It’s 8:30pm here, and I’m forcing myself to not go to bed.  

One of the blogs I’ve been reading is Christine’s over at TalkWisdom.  Now before I begin this, I want to start by saying that I like Christine… or at least I like what I know of her – we’ve only ever communicated via our blogs.  We have very differing view points politically (I tend to lean a bit left, and she is… well, slightly right).  That having been said, I do believe that she is a very nice person.  Her heart is definitely in the right place and she obviously puts Christ first in her life.  

Now that I’ve said all that (and quite sincerely I might add), I’m still a bit nervous to write down the thoughts that her blog inspired for two reasons.  One:  I don’t want a bunch of people heading over to her blog and calling her names, or even trying to respectfully engage her in a discussion on a topic she has said she doesn’t feel she should address anymore.  Two:  well, I’ve told a lot of my close friends about this blog, and while none of them read it very regularly, the idea of a certain few of them stumbling on this entry worries me.  Oh, don’t worry, it’s not going to get graphic or anything… it’s not even going to be anything I haven’t mentioned before (at least in passing).  It’s just going to be more direct that anything I’ve written before.  

So, what is this dubious topic?  Women.

Heh… it’s always about women!

But seriously folks (“…try the veal, and be sure to tip your waitress!”), I’m actually talking about women in Scripture.  

In junior high I decided to read through the entire Bible – it was about the time the One Year Bible became popular, so I got one… and started reading.  I quickly realized that there were huge passages of Scripture no one had ever read to me, in church or otherwise… and no one seemed to pay attention to.  I’m talking about all the verses about women – how we shouldn’t cut our hair, or braid it, or wear jewelry, or teach or preach, or even talk in church… I sat in my bed, wearing my jeans, with my shortish, braided hair and my big 80s florescent jewelry thinking “whoa… I’m sinning right now, while I’m reading the Bible… how come no one talks about this?”  And then, as I sat there, I realized I went to a church where women led Bible studies and taught… even preached.  And I’d been to churches with female pastors on staff (I’ve since attended many churches with female pastors on staff, and at least one that I can recall with a woman as the head pastor).  

These verses about women are there, and they are much more direct and explicit than the ones “about” homosexuality.  I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again, with the exception of the Leviticus passage (which I would like to add, is sandwiched between a whole bunch of verses that we completely ignore), none of the verses “about” homosexuality are actually about homosexuality.  Homosexuality is mentioned only ever in passing… even the famous Romans 1 passage is actually about idolatry.  It’s more than a little frustrating that Paul can write verses and verses about women in the church and people don’t even bother to read them anymore, but he merely mentions something which might be interpreted as homosexuality (there is some legitimate debate on this issue of interpretation) and the entire Religious Right movement is launched against us.  

Of course, I in no way mean to say that I believe that women should have long hair and no jewelry...  I’ve heard the arguments – mainly that those laws were culturally based, etc… and I think they are most likely valid arguments.  But to be perfectly honest, I haven’t looked into it very much myself.  I’ve just chosen to trust that if I’m wrong, God will let me know somehow.  

Now, I do not feel at all called to preach, so the verses about women teaching and preaching are not so much relevant to me, except that the church I attend regularly in Canada employs women on it’s pastoral staff, who preach quite regularly.  And I would have no problems attending a church with a female head pastor.  So, I guess they are kind of relevant.  I remember in one of my meetings with one of the female pastors at my church this whole topic came up.  She happens to be an excellent preacher, an excellent teacher, and has a very pastoral heart.  I can’t actually remember the context of this conversation but I remember her saying something like this:

“I haven’t actually sorted through the whole ‘women in ministry’ thing.  I know what the Bible says, and I plan to investigate it for myself eventually.”

She said this while being a woman in ministry, in a position of leadership, preaching, teaching (and incidentally occasionally cutting her hair) at my church.  

What triggered this memory?  A comment I left over at Christine’s blog “

“You seem to make the assumption that anyone who takes a 'pro-gay behavior' stance has basically said "this is what I want to do, so how can I justify it", instead of considering the fact that they might seriously have thought about this, sought God and read the Scriptures. This is simply not the case, no more than it is for any woman who preaches.”

After I wrote this, I got to thinking… that’s not actually true.  Most gay Christians I’ve encountered have examined this issue far more diligently than most Christian women I know… especially those gay Christians who take a Side A stance (pro-gay relationships).  This woman I’ve mentioned, who I happen to respect a great deal (I’ve mentioned her more than a few times on this blog) was perfectly content to keep preaching and being in leadership without looking into this issue really at all.  She’d heard the same arguments I had, and probably a few more, but readily admitted that she didn’t have all the answers, that it was possible she was disobeying God’s law.  But she felt called to preach, she felt called to the ministry, she felt called to be a pastor. I’m can only assume that it ‘felt right’ to her to be in that position.  What if I did the same thing?  What if I went with what ‘felt right’ for me, and started dating women? What if I said I’d figure it out later?  I can’t imagine anyone from my church thinking that that was acceptable.  What if I treated my sexuality with the same cavalier attitude that most of Western Christendom (myself included) treats the very prescriptive verses about how women should dress?  You know – “Well, other people seem to think that it’s okay for women to wear pants and jewelry and to braid their hair, so I guess it’s probably alright.”  I mean, most Christians (and I do mean evangelical Christians, by the way) never really think about this issue at all.  What if I did that?  “There are gay Christians out there who marry and have sex and they seem to think it’s okay, so it’s probably alright…”

Again, let me reiterate that I do think it’s alright for women to adorn themselves with jewelry and braid their hair and preach… I trust the wisdom of the Church, and I have done a tiny bit of research into this myself.  I believe that people are probably right, that those laws were culturally based, and not meant for us in the 21st century.  But the Church hasn’t always thought this way, and even today we don’t all agree.  When I lived in Texas I went to school with a few girls who didn’t ever cut their hair (it actually fell past their knees), or braid it (which made the length even worse) because of what the Bible said about that.  

This is a somewhat off-topic, and very bitter and cynical point, but I do sometimes wonder if the reason the Church has been willing to reexamine and reinterpret Paul’s words about women is because at least 50% of the Church is women, so they have to listen to our voices… and maybe the reason the Church (as a whole) is unwilling to reexamine the verses ‘about’ homosexuality is because we represent such a minority that they feel they can ignore us.  

Anyway, that’s it.  That’s what I’ve been thinking about for the past little while.  

On a completely different note, I’m beginning to enjoy myself more here.  Not that I wasn’t enjoying myself before, but… well, I got my first pay cheque on Friday and now I can actually afford to leave my home!  I’m still really enjoying the other English staff… one of whom has just been informed that she will be moving into my building on March 1st, which is kind of awesome.  I’ll have a neighbour!  Not that I don’t have neighbours now, who are very nice, I’m sure, but I can’t talk to any of them.  Anyway, I hope this girl and I end up getting along – not that we’ll be actually living together, but these apartments are so small (one room… not one bedroom, one room), that it will be kind of like being roommates.  She’s nice, and I like her well enough, but so far I have no idea if we click at all.  

Well, that’s it.  Blessings from Korea, y’all!    

54. My Thoughts on Brokeback... Finally!

I think I may be the only gay blogger left who hasn’t yet talked about Brokeback Mountain.  Oops… heh.  

I did see it, I made a point of seeing it before I left because I was fairly certain it would never make it over here to Korea.  

I don’t really have anything to say that hasn’t already been said on countless other blogs.  I found the movie beautiful, and heartbreaking.  And this will sound odd, but I was actually shocked at the lack of graphic sex in the film, because certain Christian reviewers had referred to the movie as… well, containing graphic sex scenes… when really, I’ve seen more graphic sex depicted on primetime TV so… I’m not sure what they were talking about.  

It did make me think more about these closeted men’s wives, and how much potential there is to hurt so many people when you have to lie about who you are. And while infidelity will obviously hurt your spouse, just the lie – without the infidelity – can also cause pain.  I’m reminded of a story I heard in an excellent documentary called Trembling Before G-d (a movie about gay orthodox Jews).  It was a story told by a psychologist who had been treating a woman for depression, when one day her husband came in and said “I think I’m the reason for my wife’s depression”, and went on to confess to being gay.  He had never strayed, never cheated on his wife, but she knew he didn’t desire her… could never love her the way she wanted to be loved, and it sent her into a depression.  

Anyway, like I said, it’s not like I have any new thoughts… this movie has been discussed ad nauseam in the blogosphere so… just thought I’d do my duty and ad my two cents.

53. Oldmaidenhood

I was just chatting with my last single friend and she told me that she doesn’t think she wants to get married.  You’d think this would give me hope that, should I end up being celibate for life, I won’t go into oldmaidenhood alone… but, well… she is hardly the first friend I’ve had tell me that they didn’t want to marry… and she was much less definite about it than some of my other friends.  I’ve had people tell me in no uncertain terms that they would never, never marry.  No desire for it whatsoever.  And some were quite specific about it; they would never marry because they really didn’t have any desire for sex.

The thing is, they are all now, without exception, married.  And I can only assume (without thinking about it too much) that they have had the dreaded sex.  

It really doesn’t seem fair, does it?  I mean, I’ve been told that celibacy shouldn’t be that big a deal – I’ve actually had the “What’s wrong with celibacy?” speech given to me, on more than one occasion, and by more than one person.  (All of whom are, again, married, by the way)  Yet how many people are actually voluntarily celibate?  Honestly, we were not designed for that.  Of course, now I’ve just opened myself up for the “we were not designed for homosexual sex” argument so… never mind.  

I tell people I’m happy being single, and I’m not lying… not really.  But I know it’s temporary, it’s kind of like being full.  It’s good, and you’re satisfied, but it’s not like you don’t know that you’ll be hungry again later… and if you never eat?  Well, you know what happens then.  My mother actually brought up the gay issue recently, saying she was happy I had “chosen a healthy lifestyle, but you can’t emotionally starve yourself forever!” And she’s right.  The only reason I can endure this is because I don’t think about my life… I think about right now, and maybe a month from now… or if I’m ambitious I’ll go as far as a year, but anything beyond that is too much to handle.  My mother’s solution, of course, is that I get fixed and marry a man… and well, if you’ve read any of this blog you know where I stand on that issue.

Anyway, it’s 3:11 in the morning here in Korea, and so I’m a little darker than usual.  

I’m getting more and more into the swing of things.  My class is actually starting to behave, and I already have my favourites (shhhh, don’t tell anyone!  Teacher’s aren’t supposed to have favourites, but we all do!).  And it looks like my biggest trouble maker will be leaving in about a month, which is something to look forward to.  I get along fairly well with all the other foreign teachers, and the newest one is actually a practicing Catholic, so that is cool.  I meant to go to the Seventh Day Adventist Church this morning to check it out and get back to her, but I’ve come down with bronchitis and have spent the day in bed (watching my Battlestar Galactica DVDs and sleeping).  

One of the other teachers, whom I shall call the Punster, cause, well, he tells horrific puns all the time (i.e.: “This looks like a traffic jam, I prefer strawberry jam so I’m going to go home”) happens to also be one of the sweetest people to have ever existed.  He took me out for lunch the other day and in the process of telling me a story about a previous teacher at the school informed me that coming out here is tantamount to asking to get fired.  Apparently this particular teacher taught at our school for about 3 weeks and quit, and then proceeded to get fired from about 5 different schools when they found out he was gay.  He was apparently not very discreet.  Of course, I knew this before I came, but it was interesting to have it confirmed.  

Oh, and an update on the little, so-called, ‘lesbian girl’… I’m beginning to agree with the other teachers… this little girl (who is actually about 7 years old, not 5) has had more (voluntary) girl on girl action than I have at 30 (of course, that’s not hard to do as I’ve had… uh, let’s see… about… none!).  She kisses other girls all the time, and I don’t mean little innocent pecks, I mean “Holy crap, are those two girls making out?” kind of stuff.  The girls she kisses just giggle and joke about it, but she appears to be quite serious.  It’s not uncommon to hear “Girls! Stop kissing!” coming from her classroom.  

In other gay news (heh), I think I got gaydared last night.  I went out for supper with some of the teachers from my school, and they invited this girl from another school who I think pinged me.  I could just be being paranoid though, because she’s rather pretty and is the first girl I’ve caught myself giving the once over to… and I think she caught me doing it too.  I actually only caught myself because I caught her catching me. (Does that sentence make any sense outside of my head?)

Anyway, it’s now 3:36 in the morning and I really should go to sleep.  G’night… or G’morning, whatever.    

52. Week 1 in Korea

Okay, well, I’m here.  In the Land of Morning Calm… that’s Korea for those of you who have never heard that before… I hadn’t until a few days before I arrived.  I’ve been here for a week, but honestly, I kind of feel like I’ve been here forever!  And I don’t mean that in a bad way, I just mean that… well, I feel like I’ve been here forever.  There’s no other way to say that.  There are all these things I’ve been warned about – parents complaining about me, racist taxi drivers – actually racist everyone, the director criticizing me, none of these things have happened yet, but I have to keep reminding myself that I’ve only been here for a week, so they are still very likely to happen.  

The racist thing is interesting, and I’m not sure if ‘racist’ is the right word.   But according to one of the other Canadian teachers, one of the things I can expect is some ‘confusion’ about my race because I’m Canadian but not white.  Apparently the director of the school showed him (the Canadian teacher) my picture about a thousand times to ask if I was “really from Canada”.  It’s funny, in Canada I constantly have to put up with comments like “Are you sure you’re black?  You’re so light skinned.”… but well, here they have no doubts about that.  One of the kids actually said “Teacher… your skin… it’s…um… black!”  It’s really not.  I have white friends who are darker than me… even more in the summer when they all seem to tan so much better than me.  It’s very frustrating.  

Anyway, back to Korea.  I’m liking my job so far.  I am mainly responsible for the kindergarten class – which range in age from 4-6 (they are all 6 or 7 according to the way Koreans count age, that was confusing for me at first, because all the kids were way too small to be that old).  The previous teacher was apparently not very good (they let him go), and the class has no discipline.  I know they are young, but I’ve worked with younger kids who are better behaved.  And it’s not that the kids are bad, they are just used to running things, so they have to get used to the fact that I’m in charge.  I’m not usually very strict as a teacher, but I’m having to be.  I’m hoping to get them in line fairly soon, so that I can go back to my normal teaching style, which is much more laid back.

The weirdest thing about the school is the video cameras.  All the classrooms have video cameras, and there are TVs in the lobby where the parents can watch us.  It’s a weird feeling.  So far I’ve only been watched once, but that will change next week.  I am taking over a class that the parents watch regularly.  Fun!

I’ve eaten things I would never have thought of… I’m sort of living by a “eat first, ask questions later” policy.  I figure that way I can figure out what I like without being prejudiced against it.  In doing this I have found out that I like dried, sliced, sticky squid and a weird fried fish/egg paste thing.  

My living arrangements are pretty much what I expected… perhaps a little smaller than I thought, but well, I didn’t expect much.  It’s one room about the size of a decent sized living room.  I’ve got the internet though, so that’s the most important thing!

I went to a Korean church this morning that had English translation.  The thing is, besides the translator, I was the only English speaker there, so I think next time I will try the Seventh Day Adventist Church, which apparently has services in English so there must be more English speakers there.  It’s not that I don’t want to hang out with Koreans, it just that part of the point of church is the fellowship, and I can’t really fellowship with people I can’t speak with, you know?

In keeping with the theme of this blog, the sermon was interesting.  The pastor brought up homosexuality (particularly gay couples who don’t hide the fact that they are gay couples) as evidence of society’s degenerate nature.  That sort of stuff is always fun to listen to.  

Oh, and the first day of school I heard the other English speaking staff joking about a little girl (who is 5 or 6 by the way) that they believe is a lesbian.  They weren’t being malicious though, so I wasn’t upset or anything.  But Korea being what it is, I have no intention of coming out here.  

And not that it’s all that relevant, but one of the Canadian teachers went to high school with Tricia Helfer – who plays Six on the new Battlestar Galactica (which is, I think, my favourite show on television right now – yes, I know, I’m a nerd.  And proud of it!  Besides, the show rocks.  It’s not my fault there’s a hot girl on it.).   He actually was her ‘date’ at a lot of her early modeling events.  I’m normally into the ‘hot blonde’ types, but… well, she’s… hot (and I hunted to find the least provocative pictures of her).  And she’s just so good on Battlestar Galactica.   See, if I was out, I would have sat right down and peppered him with questions about her, but instead I just nodded and said I thought she was an amazing actress, and that I love her show.  Ah well, it’s not that important.

51. Leaving on a Jet Plane

Well, this is it.  The last post while I am still in the Great White North… my home and (not quite) native land.  I fly out to Korea tomorrow.  I have nothing to say… nothing profound anyway.  I barely have time to write this down.  But I value all your thoughts and prayers.

I hope to have my internet up and running fairly quickly once I get there so things can get back to normal, blog wise.  Not sure how possible that will be, but time will tell.  I hope you all had a wonderful Christmas, and a Happy New Year.  

Blessings!

50. MERRY CHRISTMAS!

I thought I should blog at least once before Christmas.  Life has gotten a bit hectic recently, what with packing up my home, and packing for Korea, and Christmas shopping… and today I leave for Toronto to celebrate Christmas with my mom.  Always a good time (note: that was sarcasm).  As always, I am hoping for a peaceful and conflict-free holiday, but not banking on it.  Mom and I have been at each other’s throats for a while now (she is wanting me to promise to come back from Korea in 6 months for some rather unnecessary medical tests, and I am refusing to make such a promise because I believe it is ridiculous…), and so I really can’t see how she would not take advantage of my proximity to try and sway me to her side.

Anyway, enough about the unpleasantness… Christmas is such a wonderful time; I do love it (aside from family drama).  A time to remember that God became one of us.  It is really overwhelming when you think about it.  Which I inevitably do at some point over the Christmas holidays… I will suddenly realize what it is that we are celebrating and feel awestruck.  God Himself became flesh and dwelt among us… but more than that, He came as a helpless baby.  I can’t really wrap my head around it.   We hear it so often that for the most part we don’t pay attention, it’s a story we are so familiar with.  But it truly is amazing.  The incarnation… when I think about it, I am just so glad to be a Christian.  So happy to worship a God who would do such a thing.  

Well, that’s all I have to say.  I will try and blog at least once before I take off for Korea.  May your holidays be wonderful, and stress-free, and may Christ be real for you, may His presence overwhelm you, may you know His love for you this Christmas.  

Blessings!

49. Tidbits From my Life

Well, I ended up on the fake radio again (December 16, 2005 episode)… those guys are going to give me a swelled head!

I also saw King Kong, and (mild spoiler alert!) I just have one question… how come, at the end of 2005, I can still go to an action movie and know that the black guy is going to die?  What is up with that?  Seriously, the minute I saw the black guy I thought “Dude, run!  You’re the only black guy, you’re doomed!”  

I enjoyed the movie though, it’s fun… and I admit to being fascinated by special effects.  I did have to shut my eyes during the bug part, but other than that I totally enjoyed it.  It didn’t make me cry like the original did though, but I saw the original as a very young girl so things might be different now. (“Mommy, why are they shooting at the big monkey?  It’s not his fault… he’s just a monkey, he doesn’t know… Mommy, is the monkey going to die?  Mommy?  Mommy!?!?!?”)

In other news, I finally signed some contracts and am off to Korea soon… as soon as 3 weeks… which means I have a lot to do, and I have not started at all.  Well, that’s not true.  I’ve put ads up to sublet my place (hey, if any of you know someone who wants a 2 bedroom, fully furnished condo in Ottawa for $1000/month including utilities, drop me a line!), but I haven’t started packing or anything.  I really need to get on that.  Like, right now actually.  But I’m writing a blog entry so it will have to wait.  

Uh… actually, I have no other news… so I guess I have to get to work.  Damn.

48. The Sweetest Thing

We evangelicals have a tendency to read the Bible as a sort of text book or study guide – a divinely inspired, infallible, authoritative text book, but nonetheless, as a text book.  We read it chapter by chapter, verse by verse… or sometimes we use the subheadings that some of the publishers put in for us.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this.  I think having a method and format for studying the Scriptures is important.  And everything in the Bible is good for teaching, so I don’t think there is anything wrong with reading it and analyzing it verse by verse… some amazing revelations can come by doing that. (Of course, some scary things can come of that too.)  But every once and a while I like to try and read it a bit differently.  You know, I’ll take one of the epistles of Paul and read it as a letter, the way it would have been originally read.  I’ll pick one, like 1 Corinthians, and read it all the way through, in one sitting, the way people actually read letters, and try and understand what the Corinthians would have originally taken out of it.  (By the way, when I did that, the conclusion I came to is that Paul was very upset with the Corinthians.)

Another thing I’ve done in that vein is read the Gospels as narratives.  I think I did this on the recommendation of one of my pastors.  The first thing I remember noticing is that the Gospel writers were obviously a little upset with Judas Iscariot.  That probably sounds like a kind of stupid thing to notice, but it seemed that they couldn’t mention his name without explaining that he eventually betrayed Christ, even if it had nothing to do with the event they were discussing at the moment.  

There were a couple of other things that I noticed when reading through the Gospels this way, but there was one story, at the end of John that stood out to me the most.  I had read it many times before, but for some reason it stood out to me this time.

John 20:10-18

“Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying.

As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

 They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"

"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him."

At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary."

 She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her.”

This, to me, is one of the sweetest stories in the entire Bible.  The disciples go to the tomb, and Jesus’ body is gone, so they go home… but Mary is so heartbroken, she can’t leave.   Angels appear to her, but she doesn’t care.  She only cares that Jesus is gone.  

Jesus, of course, was in the middle of the most important work in the history of mankind.  Human history pivots on this point.  Because of the resurrection, we can be saved… redeemed.  He conquered death.  He made a way for us to go to heaven.  

In short, Jesus was busy.

But Mary was grieving, and Jesus, in the middle of the incomprehensively important work he was doing not only took notice of her grief, but stopped what He was doing to  come and see her, to comfort her.  It’s not like He couldn’t have come and seen her after He was done, after He had returned to the Father, but He could see how she needed Him right then, and so He came.  This says so much to me about who Jesus is, His heart, His love for us.

This has nothing to do with what is generally the theme of this blog, but my pastor mentioned this story in passing yesterday, and I have been thinking about it ever since.  Thought I’d share a bit.

47. A Snippet From This Morning

I know I said I wouldn't be posting, but I just wanted to transcribe a little bit of the conversation between me and one of the counselors this morning.

Counselor: "So, just to be clear. You are at a point where you believe homosexuality is okay..."

Me: "Yes"

Counselor: "You believe that it is okay to have homosexual sex?"

Me: "Not necessarily"

Counselor: "I don't get it..."

Me: "There is a difference between orientation and behavior."

Counselor: "Ummmm..."

Me: "I have never done anything with a woman, I have not even come close."

Counselor: "But if you met a woman you would."

Me: "No... not necessarily"

Counselor: "I don't get it..."

Me: "It's the same as for heterosexuals... if you believe in waiting until marriage, just because you meet someone you like doesn't mean you can have sex with them."

Counselor: "....Oh... so... if you met a woman and fell in love with her and got married, then you would have sex..."

Me: "No... not necessarily. I don't necessarily believe that gay marriage is okay for Christians."

Counselor: "I don't get it."

Me: "There's a difference between orientation and behavior... just because I want something doesn't mean I can have it."

Counselor: "I don't get it..."

Okay, what? What doesn't she get?

Apparantly we are going to pray through issues of "sexual imprinting" that happened when the girls abused me when I was younger... cause that's why I'm gay... You know, I was afraid that the gay thing would derail this whole process, and it seems like that is going to happen.

But... again, God... I submit this to You. Your will be done, Your kingdom come in my life.

46. Korea Calling

So, I’m leaving today for my 3 day intensive counseling session.  (I know I called it a counseling week before, but well, it’s just 3 days… they are condensing it for me.)  I’m trying to keep an open mind about the whole thing… I know that I do have issues to deal with (as I imagine we all do), and so I know that it is possible that this week could turn out to be quite productive.  I pray that God is present and His will is done, not my mom’s… not mine… but His.  

In other news, I spent most of last night on the phone to Korea.  I am going to be teaching English there next year at some point, and last night I had several phone interviews.  I have to say that while I’m not exactly used to the format, having job interviews over the phone is awesome… I was wearing my pajamas!  And besides, I give good phone.  During my stint as a telemarketer, I was proposed to a few times, and offered several jobs by business men looking for secretaries because apparently I sound really good on the phone.  I don’t know that I agree (you can listen to me on the fake radio – November 25th and December 2nd shows – and decide for yourself), because to me, my voice sounds weird on the phone, but… well, other people seem to think I sound really good.  

Anyway, it’s all happening really fast.  There was nothing for a while, and then suddenly a flood of offers and interviews.  I could be there as early as the first week of January, which doesn’t leave me much time to find someone to rent my place while I’m gone, but I’m going to trust God on that one.  I’m quite excited about it.  I have been stationery for far too long.

The other night at church, I was talking about going to Korea and one of my friends insisted that I was going to Korea to get away from my mother.  While I don’t deny that that is part of the appeal (as it was part of the appeal in going to Ireland… and Belize… and moving to Ottawa in the first place), it is not the reason.  The reason I’m going?  Well, I talked about it a little bit in this post, and then again in this post, and most recently in this post.  My life feels kind of drab, and I want to fill it with things that aren’t drab.  And conveniently, teaching in Korea pays well… which is rather necessary as I now have a mortgage to pay off (oh the trials of being a grown up!).  Not to mention that the feeling of being alone is much easier to take when you actually are alone, rather than surrounded by people you love and who love you.  Feeling isolated in a group of your friends sucks, and that’s how I feel… even from those friends who know my deep, dark secret.  It’s understandable, they all have their own lives to contend with… I can’t reasonably expect any of them to be wrestling this issue out with the same passion I am.  But it’s so frustrating… they all (with one exception) have their husbands (or wives, girlfriends, boyfriends…) that they can debrief with at the end of the day; someone for whom they are a priority, someone who cares deeply what’s going on in their heads, what is affecting their emotions, what issues are troubling them.  And it’s not that my friends don’t care… or even care deeply, it’s just that it’s not their issue in the way that it would be with someone I was partnered with.  (And don’t read into that that I want to be ‘partnered’ with any of my friends, because wonderful as they all are, I really don’t.)  I’m alone… or at least I feel alone.  And I can handle that better when I actually am alone.  

And besides, traveling is awesome.  I love going to new places and living in and absorbing new cultures… meeting new people.  It really is a joy to me.  And then I can say that I’ve lived and worked on 3 continents… after I’ve paid off my mortgage I think I will head to Africa and teach there for a while.  They just don’t pay enough for me to go there right now, which is kind of a shame.  

Anyway, I will be incommunicado for a bit… I think I will have internet access, but I doubt I’ll be posting until I get back on Saturday… or shortly thereafter, I may need some time to unwind.

45. Haze

I have no real excuse.  My brain has just been foggy lately… well, all of November.  I can’t think about anything really for very long.  Hopefully I will come out of this haze soon.

I made it on the fake radio again… the December 2nd, 2005 show.  

I should also tell you that I will be absent for a little while longer.  My mom has “encouraged” (read “bullied) me to go to a counseling week at her church.  She has decided that all of our relationship problems are actually my problems and if I deal with my issues, she can continue to behave in the same way.  It’s a little maddening.  But I’m going.  I’m sure it will be interesting.  I decided to be honest when filling out the forms, something which I’m regretting now.  I know that they will try and pray the gay away… which, honestly, if it was going to work, I think it would have worked by now.  But, well, I’m hoping that the week won’t be an entire bust.  I do believe that God can use anything… he used a donkey for crying out loud.  I do think that this week could turn out to be productive.  At the very least, I might get a semi-coherent blog entry out of it.

44. 10 080 Minutes

Man, this has been a week.  I’m exhausted, and I just tried to take a nap, but between the sirens outside (what on earth is going on?!?!?) and my phone ringing constantly, I’ve had to give up on that.  

I don’t even know what to say about this week.  It’s just been a whole series of mini-events.  Like the event with the nude, developmentally-delayed preschooler and the toilet which I won’t get into here, but suffice it to say that it was unpleasant.  Or the event that involved my passport renewal and the upending of all my drawers and files onto the floor in search of a document that turned out to be in my car (my home hasn’t recovered from that really… it’s still a mess).  

And of course, I saw Rent – the title to this post is a nod to that actually.  I haven’t sobbed like that in a movie since… well, I’m not sure if I ever have.  Not polite, dignified public tears, but the gasping-choking sobbing that had me feeling embarrassed because I was in a room full of strangers.  Not that the movie was depressing, I actually found it very uplifting, but there was a sad part which I’m not going to tell you about because if you’ve seen it you can probably guess and if you haven’t seen it… well, you should.    

Oh, and today I found out I made it onto the radio!  Well, the fake radio, but still… GayChristian.net has a radio podcast every week, and I had called in a response to one of their questions and they used it on the show – if you want to listen to it, head to their GCN radio page and listen to the November 25, 2005 episode on being in the closet… I’m the only female voice, so I won’t be hard to spot… and you’ll learn my first name (gasp!).  

Anyway, that’s it.  I just wanted to post because I haven’t posted in a while and I thought I should.  I hope all of your weeks have been less ‘eventful’ than mine… unless it was full of awesome events in which case I’m happy for you.

43. Hole Hearted

First of all, I want to let you know that Roy Clements’ webpage is up and running again, so if you want to hear some good preaching by an evangelical gay preacher, head on over there.  There are a lot of other things on his page too, essays and Bible commentaries, so take a look around.

In other news, I’ve been walking around today with a bit of a hole in my chest.  (A metaphorical hole of course!)   I keep finding myself on the verge of tears and I’m not entirely sure why.  It’s not pms, cause… well; it would be a little late for that.  It’s not my mom and all the stuff going on there, because I was talking about that situation with a friend this afternoon and it actually brought me out of my funk… but I’m back in it.  

I think I might just need to get away, which is kind of convenient because I’m planning on going away soon.  I think I’ve just been still for too long.  When I’m still I can’t help but look out over the vast expanse of my life and the horror of it overwhelms me.  Is this what God wants for me?   This aloneness?  This half-life?  Hoping my happily married friends will show compassion (pity) on me?  

I’m not lonely, I’m alone… and if celibacy is the way then I will always be alone.

Ugh.  I think I’m going to take a nap.  

And then I’m going to leave the country.

42. Oy

It has snowed here again, and this time it is remaining on the ground so things are looking up for me.

I had a disconcerting experience today that I would like to share with all of you… it has nothing to do with being Christian, Gay and Confused, it was just disturbing.  This afternoon I was looking after 2 kids of a friend of mine.  I normally don’t resort to TV or videos with kids I’m babysitting, but well, the little girl I had this afternoon was so thrown by my presence that I thought I’d put on something familiar so maybe she would relax.  She wasn’t crying or anything, she was just staring at me in confusion.  So, anyway, I put on Sesame Street… it worked to a certain degree, she started laughing and pointing and coming out of her shell a bit, so that was good.

I, of course, as a 30 year old woman have not watched Sesame Street in years so it was really weird, but kind of nice, to see all those old and yet very familiar faces – Maria, Gordon, Susan, Luis, Bob… and, of course, all the Muppets I remember.  But then there were all these new Muppets that I have never heard of which kind of weirded me out.  The worst was yet to come though.  

There was this one sketch they did about a karaoke night, and one of the singers was a black guy in his 20s named Miles Robinson.  I sat there for several minutes trying to figure out how come I knew that name.  And then it hit me… and it hit me hard.  I remember when Miles was a baby!  He is Gordon and Susan’s adopted son.  That’s how I originally learned what adoption was.

I’m old.  I’m really, really old.  

That sucks.

41. November Blahs

I am not a big fan of November.  As a matter of fact, it is my least favourite month… it’s that sort of limbo stage between autumn and winter.  All the leaves are off the trees, and the grass is turning brown, but there’s no snow yet.  Everything just looks like a barren wasteland.  Yesterday I was excited because there was snow on the ground, but this morning it rained and now it’s just dead outside.

Can you tell I’m not in the greatest of moods?

Of course, it doesn’t help that my mom and I are at loggerheads again.  The frustrating thing is I feel so emotionally worn out by it all that I get off the phone and I’m crying and I’m angry, but I really can’t tell you why.  I mean, I can tell you that my mom and I just fought, I might even be able to tell you the general gist of what we fought about, but I can’t really tell you why we were fighting… if that makes any sense.  Yesterday I was talking to a friend and I started to cry about it and she, of course, asked me why I was crying and I said “I have no words, only tears”… which is either really poetic or really cheesy, I can’t decide.  Regardless, it was exactly how I felt.  Thank goodness she didn’t push it because I think I would have completely broken down on her.  

Anyway, I actually have something relevant to this blog to share.  I’m going through a bit of an insomniatic phase, so I’ve been listening to a lot of sermons online – yeah, I know, I’m a bit of a freak.  I’ve been specifically listening to sermons by evangelical gay-friendly preachers – cause, well, there aren’t any in Ottawa that I know of, and I am just interested to hear the sorts of things they have to say.  I found a few sermons on GayChristian.net on their sermons page – if you are going to head over there, the sermons by Roy Clements are very good… not that the talk by Ralph Blair isn’t good, it’s just not a ‘sermon’ per se… it’s more of a lecture.  I actually really enjoyed Roy Clements’ sermons, and went to his webpage and listened to a bunch more (his webpage seems to be down right now, hopefully it will be up again soon).   I’m sure many conservative Christians will find this hard to believe, but I found myself feeling quite convicted listening to his sermons – they’re not about ‘gay stuff’, he’s just a good preacher who happens to be gay.  Apparently Roy Clements was quite well known and respected in the UK as an evangelical preacher before he came out, left his wife, and entered into a ‘celibate friendship’ with a man.  (I’m not sure if it’s still a celibate friendship, but everything I’ve been able to find about him uses that phrase so…).

Another thing I listened to one night in the wee hours was the presentation given by Tony and Peggy Campolo discussing this issue.  They are on opposite sides of the issue, Peggy is Side A, Tony is Side B… and he is probably the most purely Side B straight Christian I have yet to encounter.  Most of them are actually Side X when you get right down to it – they think that we really should try to be straight, but until then (or, you know, if it doesn’t work or something) we should just be celibate.  Anyway, it actually is a good presentation, and one I wish more people would listen to, if only to hear how people can disagree and still be civil to each other… or how someone can take a conservative stance without being homophobic.  

Anyway, after listening to the presentation the other night I realized that I was listening to a presentation given before a mostly gay audience, and I’m sure that shaped the tone of what they had to say, so I went looking for a presentation given before a straight Christian audience.   I didn’t find a page with the two of them debating again, but I did find a talk that Tony gave at a national pastor’s conference on “Struggling with the Gay Issue”.    It is much longer than the presentation that he gave with his wife, but it was comforting to hear him say pretty much the same thing to a group of straight people that he said to his gay audience.  He was actually kind of harsh with his straight audience, calling out a lot of the hypocrisy that drives me nuts, as I’m sure it drives many other gay people nuts.  

No real insights or anything, I thought I’d just share some of the things I’ve been listening to recently.  

40. Rescue Heroes

A few years ago there was this book that was making the rounds in Christian circles that I kept hearing about – Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secrets of a Man’s Soul.  There’s a companion book for women, but… well, no one I know read that one.  Anyway, I was at a church retreat when one of the girls who was there brought this book up.  I should point out that she was not happy with it, I don’t know if she had read the entire book, but she had read the blurb on the back and it had made her angry to think that all these Christian men were reading this book.  She summarized the back of the book for us, but due to the magic of the internet, I can quote it directly.  

“…every little boy has dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress.  Every little girl has dreams too; of being rescued by her prince and swept into a great adventure; knowing that she is the beauty.”

I remember sitting there thinking, “Really?  Do most girls feel like that?”  I think (but I can’t be sure) that this was before I had come out to any of my Christian friends, because I remember being frustrated that I couldn’t question them on this, because I was wondering if the reason I was different from what this book described was that I was gay.  Now, like I said, the girl who brought this book up at the retreat obviously disagreed with the generalities that this book spoke in, so I know I’m not the only female who does not conform… but I don’t only not conform, I’m opposite.  I have never dreamed or fantasized about being rescued by a handsome prince (or even a beautiful princess).  I fantasize about being the hero… and always have for as far back as I can remember.  In grade one I remember all the kids in my class wanted to play Star Wars, which was totally cool by me.  But they made all the girls be Princess Leia, and basically just stand by the fence while the boys got to fight each other to rescue us.  I hated it.  It was boring, I wanted to be fighting to rescue her… and not because I wanted to rescue a princess, just because I wanted to be the hero.  Growing up, one of my favourite things about Christmas was the rolls of wrapping paper – they were my light sabers, I used to fight Darth Vader and the Emperor in my room by myself because no one I played with would let me be the hero.  Another recurring fantasy I remember, going well into my early teens (yes, I know… a bit juvenile) was that I was Superman’s daughter and had inherited some of his powers and I would fly around fighting injustice.  I can also tell you that most of my molars were kicked out by bullies in grade 2 and 3.  I would see them picking on a little kid, or a kid who was different in some way, and I would go after them, insisting that they change their evil ways or face my wrath (such as it was).  I was actually never successful, not even once that I can remember.  They would just laugh and hit me, or punch me, or (most painfully) kick me in the face.  I have many memories of going inside during recess with a bloody mouth and holding one of my teeth in my hands… I would always tell the teacher on duty that I fell.  No matter how many times they knocked me down I kept coming back, I so desperately wanted to be the hero, to fight for those who couldn’t fight for themselves.  And it had absolutely nothing to do with the gender of the person I “rescued”; it was just that the role I wanted to fill was that of the hero.  

It still is.  When I come out of an action movie, or a superhero movie, my mind goes off on these wild adventures where I rescue the oppressed from their evil overlords.  Is this a ‘gay’ thing?  I read somewhere on one of those exgay sites that gay men would know that they were ‘cured’ when their desire to be protected turned into a desire to protect.  I wonder if the literature is merely the inverse for gay women, do they say that gay women will be cured when they achieve a desire to be protected?  And is this legitimate?  Not that gay women can be cured, because…well, you know where I stand on that, but is that a natural heterosexual distinction?  Men want to protect, women want to be rescued… is that part of what it means to be straight?  Or is this just part of the ingrained sexism in our culture?      

39. Unpacking

So, my dad has come and gone and I would like to thank all of you who prayed for me.  Dad and I had a good time, and so I know God heard all of our prayers.  

I’d also like to say HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Eric over at Two World Collision… there’s a party going on over at his blog, with drinks and everything, so go check it out!  

Speaking of Eric, a few weeks ago he asked me a question I think I’ll take the time to answer now… sorry it took me so long.  In one of my previous posts I made this statement, “The ‘fence’ I build around developing an attraction to a woman is not to protect myself from sinning; it’s to protect myself from getting hurt.”  Eric asked me if I had “unpacked” this any further, and well… I hadn’t.  So, here I go unpacking.  Consider it a birthday present Eric!  

I guess I’ll talk about the ‘fence’ first.  When I meet a woman I think I might become attracted to, or I realize that I might become attracted to a woman I know I try and stop the attraction from happening.  I’m not even entirely sure what all I do to accomplish this.  In some cases it’s as simple as avoiding the woman, but in most cases that is simply not feasible – at least not without being rude anyway.  I think that there are probably a lot of mental gymnastics that go on that I’m not even aware of, but that I know exhaust me.  

The worst thing about it though, is that I’m not even sure the fence works.  I haven’t been seriously attracted to anyone in a few years, but that doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s working.  Case in point, while my dad was here we watched a lot of movies – something   he doesn’t really have time for at his home.  One of the movies we watched had a woman in it that I found very attractive, and every time she was on the screen, I felt myself starting to smile… and if she smiled then I couldn’t help it – I smiled back (she had a fantastic smile).  I was intensely conscious of it because I was sitting there beside my dad who has no idea (and would likely be horrified if he knew) that I’m gay.  I tried to stop myself from grinning at this woman, and on a few occasions I think I was successful, but for the most part I really couldn’t help it.  I couldn’t help feeling the attraction and I couldn’t help but react to what I was feeling.  Even as I type this out I am realizing that there are people who will read that and go “aha! Sexual addiction, I told you so!”, and well… I just think that’s ridiculous.  Straight married people feel attraction to people who are not their spouses all the time, and no one would call that a sexual addiction, it’s just normal.  We cannot control our attractions; we can only control our actions.  (Wow, that rhymes… it should be a slogan for… for… well, for something or other)  Anyway, that’s not the point.  The point is, I couldn’t stop myself from feeling something (minimal as it was) while watching this movie, so I’m not sure I would be able to stop myself from developing real feelings for a real woman.  All that mental effort I put in might not even be worth it.  

The other thing I wanted to ‘unpack’ a bit was the second part of that sentence, “…it’s to protect myself from getting hurt.”  I was writing about something else entirely in that previous post, and so I really over-simplified this.  First the obvious. Any time you have feelings for another person (be they romantic feelings or not) you open yourself up to getting hurt, so there is some definite truth in what I said.  Especially when you consider the fact that due to the circles I travel in, chances are any woman I develop feelings for is going to be straight, and unrequited affection always sucks.  But it is way more than protecting myself from ‘getting hurt’.  There are other… complications.  You see, I am a girl… and while I may not be the most girly girl out there, I still am a girl, and as such when I have a crush on someone I want to talk about it.  (I realize not all girls are like this, but most girls I know are… and guys may be like this with each other, but not being a guy, I really don’t know about that)  Not talking about it is kind of like trying to hold in a sneeze.  Actually, I cleaned that up a bit… it’s more like really having to go to the bathroom and holding it in.  It becomes all you can think about, whereas if you could just pee when you felt the need, things would be fine.  So I don’t want to develop a crush on anyone because I don’t want to have this thing I can’t talk about hanging over my head.  

Actually, I do end up talking about it, just not with any of my Christian friends.  I can’t tell any of them about any feelings I have for a woman unless I’m ‘confessing’ it as sin… so unless I want to feel guilt and shame for my feelings, which I really don’t believe are sinful, I have to find other people to talk to.  I end up talking to my non-Christian friends, who, of course just wonder why on earth I’m not ‘doing anything about it’, i.e.: asking the girl out, or at least going to places where I can meet other gay women and have less futile crushes (something that I, in my ‘confused’ state, am not ready for).  I know that some of my Christian friends (and they are probably the ones who read this blog) would not want to make me feel guilty for whatever feelings I may have, but to be perfectly honest (and I realize I might be projecting my fears onto them here), I don’t trust that they wouldn’t be thinking that I was sinning by feeling whatever I felt.  Basically I don’t trust that they wouldn’t be judging me, and feeling judged sucks.  That might be my own issue though.  So… the ‘fence’ I build is built to protect myself from having to feel isolated from the Church by having to hide yet another thing about myself from them.  I just found a post on Ash’s website that talks about this same thing.  

So, there you go… unpacked.  I hope I answered your question, Eric.  And I hope that today was a wonderful one for you! Happy Birthday.      

38. An Interlude

This is a post to basically let you all know that I am not going to be posting for about a week… I probably won’t even be online for most of the week starting tomorrow at around noon. My dad is coming to visit, and my computer is in my spare room, which happens to double as an office.

Anyway, I thought I’d give you all something to amuse yourselves with. I think I love these two boys – anyone with this kind of a sense of humour is alright by me. You have to watch it through to the end to see the ‘bloopers’. The fact that they choreograph themselves is amazing. I have a new set of heroes.



The real star of this video is the guy sitting in the back, on his computer as if nothing is going on. If you click on the video while it is playing, it will open up a new window with a page with some more of their videos on it. He seems to be in the background for all of them. How he manages to not crack up is beyond me. Honestly, these guys have given me so much joy, which is great because I’m kind of nervous about my dad’s visit. So, hey, after you watch the video if you want, you could pray for me. :-)