Sunday, April 02, 2006

60. Neutered

Okay, this is my second attempt at writing this post. I just completely lost it… no idea where it went. It’s not like my computer froze or anything… the post just disappeared. Weird.

Anyway, these thoughts aren’t new ones. I was just over at Peter Toscano’s blog, catching up on the adventures of Marvin Bloom – and just to put all my cards on the table, every time I listen to one of his audio posts I can’t help but wonder if he’s for real – I mean, the exgay guy goes on his first heterosexual date, and the girl turns out to be a lesbian! That’s got to be a joke right? Anyway, if he’s for real, right now he’s taking that girl through his ex-gay stuff to help stop being a lesbian.

It got me thinking about how just a few short years ago I was really aching to be ‘fixed’. My main beef with God and life in general was that I wasn’t being made straight, no matter how I begged and pleaded and believed. I remember in one of my meetings with one of my old pastors, she told me to stop using the word ‘fixed’ because she couldn’t help think that I was asking to be neutered, and that was kind of gross.

The thing is… now I think that was kind of what I was asking for. I mean, I don’t think that’s what I meant, but I think that’s what it would amount to. I listen to Marvin Bloom, and I think that if he is for real, then I wish him well… but I also worry, because he seems unwell emotionally… and spiritually too, actually. Like something significant is being smothered in him… like he’s only using half of his person. I don’t really know how to explain it any better. I think you’ll hear what I mean if you listen to his posts. You know how when you neuter a cat, it gets kind of sluggish? It’s kind of like that. Not that he’s sluggish, but part of him is.

If you had asked me a few years ago if I wanted to be straight, the answer would have been a very quick and emphatic “yes”. Now, the answer is a fairly certain “no.” (Not completely certain, but simply because I like to remain open to all possibilities.) And that “no” is not because I have anything against being straight, or even that I think that “God made me this way”, but because I think that if I were to suddenly become straight, I would end up being a completely different person. Being gay is such a central part of me (just like being straight is central to any straight person) that if that were to be removed, I have no idea what would be left. I can’t even say that I wish I could go back to the beginning of my life and just be straight from then on, because I don’t know what that would look like, and I have no idea what that version of me would want at all.

I am who I am, and I’m fairly at piece with that. I just need to know what to do with myself. I was looking over one of my old journals and found this sentence today. "I suppose I could pray that God would take away the feelings, but that seems wrong and somehow backwards - like asking God to remove my knee because it hurts right now." It's amazing how we grow and change, eh?

In other news, I took that personality test that Liadan and E were took and found out that I’m a Considerate Experiencer. It was a fun test, and seems rather accurate to me. The one thing I would want to point out is that my femininity rating was quite high – 90%. The only reason I want to point this out is because so many people think that being gay means that you have gender identity issues. Yes, I have some masculine characteristics, but they are mostly external things (ie: wearing pants, not wearing makeup, not sitting with my knees pressed together, etc…). Any personality test I’ve ever taken that has had a masculine/feminine rating, I have always scored crazy high in my femininity… I remember one test in high school I actually scored at 150% female. The guest speaker who administered that test had never seen a score like that before. She actually made me take it again, and added the score up herself.


Ash said...

Wow. I linked to this post in my latest. Youve put into words what I've been feeling for the past week.

Thanx, JJ.

Willie Hewes said...

What, are you suggesting Marvin isn't real? You think he's just some character that Peterson came up with and started to feature on his blog, like he's making all those calls himself? That's crazy! What do you think he is, some kind of actor? Come on...


Nice post. Neutered, huh? Yeah, that sounds about right for the ex-gays I've read online... Thanks for posting, I know you're busy. Do you get an Easter break?

E said...

I hear you, JJ. I remember when God first opened my eyes to the fact that (contra Exodus) His will for me didn't necessarily include making me straight (and in fact most likely didn't), and I faced the decision of whether I was going to choose to trust him anyway.

It wasn't until I was willing to say "yes" that God began to free me from being a "Marvin Bloom" and taught me how to live again...

Liadan said...

My femininity was ridiculously low, on the order of 10%. My masculinity, on the other hand, was about half.

So that makes me half man, dash of woman, and... um... I suppose the rest of me is like Pat from SNL.

Bob Painter said...

JJ, I just read this blog as the first I've ever read of yours, and I want you to know that I really like you.

You write with much insight and realness.

I am Peterson's friend Bob from Memphis, TN. We attended Love in Action together...

Thanks for being another gay Christian who is not only pleased to be God's child but also a homosexual.


CrackerLilo said...

I think of myself as femme with working hands. :-)

And I'm glad you don't want to "fix" yourself anymore.