Sunday, November 20, 2005

43. Hole Hearted

First of all, I want to let you know that Roy Clements’ webpage is up and running again, so if you want to hear some good preaching by an evangelical gay preacher, head on over there.  There are a lot of other things on his page too, essays and Bible commentaries, so take a look around.

In other news, I’ve been walking around today with a bit of a hole in my chest.  (A metaphorical hole of course!)   I keep finding myself on the verge of tears and I’m not entirely sure why.  It’s not pms, cause… well; it would be a little late for that.  It’s not my mom and all the stuff going on there, because I was talking about that situation with a friend this afternoon and it actually brought me out of my funk… but I’m back in it.  

I think I might just need to get away, which is kind of convenient because I’m planning on going away soon.  I think I’ve just been still for too long.  When I’m still I can’t help but look out over the vast expanse of my life and the horror of it overwhelms me.  Is this what God wants for me?   This aloneness?  This half-life?  Hoping my happily married friends will show compassion (pity) on me?  

I’m not lonely, I’m alone… and if celibacy is the way then I will always be alone.

Ugh.  I think I’m going to take a nap.  

And then I’m going to leave the country.

5 Comments:

Liadan said...

Weirdly enough, I've been doing the same thing, and it is also too late for me to be PMSing. Maybe it's sunspots.

CK said...

JJ, if you email me your address I have a Christmas present for you. I know I'm a virtual stranger (pun intended), but it's nothing that won't pass through customs!

arbitrary [dot] marks [at] gmail [dot] com

I hope you feel better. I am sure the winter weather has something to do with it--but I understand the "vast expanse" feeling. Good thing that life comes to us in slices that are microseconds long, just strung out one after another. So we never have to bear that expanse except in our minds (where, of course, the battle is fought).

Peace.

Boo said...

Come on down the first week of december and we'll go bowling. :-)

JJ said...

Sunspots? Winter blahs? A need to hurl a ball at some innocent pins? Interesting theories!

Just want to say thanks to all of you for... for... well, just being around and commenting and stuff. It makes me feel less alone, so... thanks!

CK, I sent you an email... yesterday I think. Did you get it?

Willie Hewes said...

Funny, I've been feeling lonely too. Maybe it is sunspots, or seasonal, or maybe just coincidence.

I think loneliness is a tragedy, and so many people are alone. *sigh* If this were a christmas movie you and boo would so get together, and we would have a sniffly happy ending.

That'd be good. I think a soppy movie with a sniffly ending is just what I need. Hm...

In the meantime, take care of yourself. Hope you can work things out.