Saturday, January 28, 2006

53. Oldmaidenhood

I was just chatting with my last single friend and she told me that she doesn’t think she wants to get married.  You’d think this would give me hope that, should I end up being celibate for life, I won’t go into oldmaidenhood alone… but, well… she is hardly the first friend I’ve had tell me that they didn’t want to marry… and she was much less definite about it than some of my other friends.  I’ve had people tell me in no uncertain terms that they would never, never marry.  No desire for it whatsoever.  And some were quite specific about it; they would never marry because they really didn’t have any desire for sex.

The thing is, they are all now, without exception, married.  And I can only assume (without thinking about it too much) that they have had the dreaded sex.  

It really doesn’t seem fair, does it?  I mean, I’ve been told that celibacy shouldn’t be that big a deal – I’ve actually had the “What’s wrong with celibacy?” speech given to me, on more than one occasion, and by more than one person.  (All of whom are, again, married, by the way)  Yet how many people are actually voluntarily celibate?  Honestly, we were not designed for that.  Of course, now I’ve just opened myself up for the “we were not designed for homosexual sex” argument so… never mind.  

I tell people I’m happy being single, and I’m not lying… not really.  But I know it’s temporary, it’s kind of like being full.  It’s good, and you’re satisfied, but it’s not like you don’t know that you’ll be hungry again later… and if you never eat?  Well, you know what happens then.  My mother actually brought up the gay issue recently, saying she was happy I had “chosen a healthy lifestyle, but you can’t emotionally starve yourself forever!” And she’s right.  The only reason I can endure this is because I don’t think about my life… I think about right now, and maybe a month from now… or if I’m ambitious I’ll go as far as a year, but anything beyond that is too much to handle.  My mother’s solution, of course, is that I get fixed and marry a man… and well, if you’ve read any of this blog you know where I stand on that issue.

Anyway, it’s 3:11 in the morning here in Korea, and so I’m a little darker than usual.  

I’m getting more and more into the swing of things.  My class is actually starting to behave, and I already have my favourites (shhhh, don’t tell anyone!  Teacher’s aren’t supposed to have favourites, but we all do!).  And it looks like my biggest trouble maker will be leaving in about a month, which is something to look forward to.  I get along fairly well with all the other foreign teachers, and the newest one is actually a practicing Catholic, so that is cool.  I meant to go to the Seventh Day Adventist Church this morning to check it out and get back to her, but I’ve come down with bronchitis and have spent the day in bed (watching my Battlestar Galactica DVDs and sleeping).  

One of the other teachers, whom I shall call the Punster, cause, well, he tells horrific puns all the time (i.e.: “This looks like a traffic jam, I prefer strawberry jam so I’m going to go home”) happens to also be one of the sweetest people to have ever existed.  He took me out for lunch the other day and in the process of telling me a story about a previous teacher at the school informed me that coming out here is tantamount to asking to get fired.  Apparently this particular teacher taught at our school for about 3 weeks and quit, and then proceeded to get fired from about 5 different schools when they found out he was gay.  He was apparently not very discreet.  Of course, I knew this before I came, but it was interesting to have it confirmed.  

Oh, and an update on the little, so-called, ‘lesbian girl’… I’m beginning to agree with the other teachers… this little girl (who is actually about 7 years old, not 5) has had more (voluntary) girl on girl action than I have at 30 (of course, that’s not hard to do as I’ve had… uh, let’s see… about… none!).  She kisses other girls all the time, and I don’t mean little innocent pecks, I mean “Holy crap, are those two girls making out?” kind of stuff.  The girls she kisses just giggle and joke about it, but she appears to be quite serious.  It’s not uncommon to hear “Girls! Stop kissing!” coming from her classroom.  

In other gay news (heh), I think I got gaydared last night.  I went out for supper with some of the teachers from my school, and they invited this girl from another school who I think pinged me.  I could just be being paranoid though, because she’s rather pretty and is the first girl I’ve caught myself giving the once over to… and I think she caught me doing it too.  I actually only caught myself because I caught her catching me. (Does that sentence make any sense outside of my head?)

Anyway, it’s now 3:36 in the morning and I really should go to sleep.  G’night… or G’morning, whatever.    


Boo said...

I'm single and bored with it. My friend and I were talking the other night about how we both need a 30ish soft-butch type but we can never seem to find any :-(

About this girl- is she just kissing or is she, like, getting sexual with these other girls? Cause if she is that's often a sign of sexual abuse with someone that young.

You should definitely try to catch yourself getting caught checking out more girls ;-)

JJ said...

Regarding the little girl... it's hard to say. The kissing and the cuddling I'd probably just ignorem but... well there is some groping. However, it's mostly just asses, (sometimes over the pants, and sometimes she sticks her hand down the back of the pants of the other girls). While this behavior would be decidedly odd in Canada and definetely raise some red flags, Korean kids are obsessed with asses. It was one of the things that the other teachers warned me about... the kids will grab, poke and... uh... well, do stuff to my ass which I just have to get used to cause it happens all the time, and is sort of a sign of affection... and they do it to each other too. It's an Asian thing I think cause I've heard that from friends who taught in Japan too. It's something adults do to kids and then they start doing it to each other -- I guess the equivilant would be how we tickle kids here, which is something I actually haven't seen anyone do here. Anyway, to get back to the little girl, the only thing that's different about her in this regard is that she only does it to girls, and only to particular girls. It really is a hard one to figure out.

And... what exactly is a soft butch?

Boo said...

Soft butch is sorta like "butch-lite" or something. Ellenish. As opposed to your Lea DeLaria or some such. Slightly to the butch side of androgynous but not real far.

Like, if we were talking about lemon flavor, it would be lemony but not make you have a sour-face type thing, ya know? Ya... lemons.

E said...

I’ve actually had the “What’s wrong with celibacy?” speech given to me, on more than one occasion, and by more than one person. (All of whom are, again, married, by the way)

Yeah, funny how easy anything can look when you don't personally have to deal with it...

JJ said...


Yeah... ain't that always the way?

limecut said...

second attempt to comment.... was wondering why you haven't had 'girl on girl' action yet? and are there many other's out there who are in the same situation? Is it fear... or just not the right situations and opportunities? Any way... enjoy checking out and being checked out... it's kinda fun .

JJ said...


Why no 'girl on girl action'? Well, I was brought up to believe that sex should be saved for marriage (something I still believe in... regardless of whether the marriage is gay or straight), and to believe that anything gay was a sin. So I never did anything gay -- despite however much I may have wanted to. I never even admitted I was gay until I was 25, and only recently (pretty much at the same time as I started this blog) began to consider the possibility that acting on these desires might be okay. But I can't really do it until I'm sure... I mean, I could, but I won't. At least I hope I won't. Hope I have the strength. Read around my blog anyway, I talk about this a lot.

Boo said...

"I'm single and bored with it. My friend and I were talking the other night about how we both need a 30ish soft-butch type but we can never seem to find any :-("

Course, now we've ended up smooching...

limecut said...

jj that's an honest answer. it's so good to hear some-one who sticks with their convictions. i sometimes wish i had done more of that and less of following the flesh! but i had spent 36 years doing that.I think I got slack and complacent. so yeh... don't change just because you feel like it. But on the other hand denial is a really bad thing too. so yeh it's so hard isn't it! Thanks. you can find my blog if you's the new one on the left.... HELP!!!

JJ said...

you can find my blog if you's the new one on the left.... HELP!!!

Heh... you are new to the blog world, eh? The reason you are in my links list is because I put you there... I followed your profile back to your blog... welcome!


Hmpf... I probably shouldn't admit this, but well... I'm jealous of someone I've never met for kissing someone else I've never met. That sucks.

Boo said...

Here's some news from the "As if we didn't already realize Focus on the Family are complete hypocrites" department:

Apparently, Focus is supporting a bill to extend many benefits associated with marriage to any unmarried couple, gay or str8. The purpose is to try and derail a gay civil unions bill. Focus would rather have legislation which actually will weaken marriage rather than admit that gay couples exist as a specific class.

limecut said...

jj, thank you for adding me to your page. As you can tell I am very new to the Blog world, and also to the whole cyber universe!! You said to me that you have been far from God for a while now. Is it mainly cos of the gay thing? It sucks hey! But you know God is actually more interested in us, then in our issues. I don't think he actually partial about issues either. It could be about anything and He would not react any differently to us. Are there worse 'sins' and better 'sins'? That one I discuss with my kids all the time. I have changed my mind on that one a fair bit. So any takers on that discussion? You have no idea how amazing it is to actually have someone else out there respond to my situation. And they know what the heck I am feeling. Thank you so much. Now I don't feel so alone!!