Saturday, March 18, 2006

58. Sweet Tooth

Yes, yes, I know… it’s been ages.  I’m really sorry.  The thing is, I have so many thoughts that I doubt I’ll get them all down in one blog entry so if I have energy again tomorrow I might very well write another one… can you imagine?  2 blogs in 2 days?  

Don’t get your hopes up.

Before I begin my thoughts for today (my, how formal that sounds!) I should tell you the reason for the huge delay between blogs.  My life has just gotten crazy stressful.  The stress I felt before the new term started (In Korea, the school year runs from March to March) I thought would end with the beginning of the new term, but things have gotten worse.  The school I work at has decided to add a whole bunch of new students (and a whole bunch of new classes) without adding any new teachers, which means that all of the foreign (English speaking) staff at the school are now working some crazy-ass hours.  I actually teach for 7-9 hours a day… and that’s all teaching time (well, minus the lunch that we actually had to fight for!).  In Canada, the school hours are about 6 hours, but it should be noted that that is not all teaching time because they are aware that that would drive anyone crazy.  It’s exhausting.  And it’s seriously affecting me.  I am usually able to be fairly diplomatic, but I’m so tired that I’ve caught myself saying some rather blunt things at work.  For example, I’ll transcribe a conversation I had with the supervisor the other day when she asked me to fill out some forms that, frankly, rather ridiculous, and that we had never had to fill out before.

Supervisor:  “Could you fill in the names of the books you have read to the children this past week?

Me: “No.”

Supervisor:  “Um… I need you to write down the names of the stories…”

Me. “No.”

Supervisor, giggles a bit:  “Um… just write the names down here…”

Me:  “No.”

Supervisor:  rather confused, I imagine, “Uh… okay, just write the books.”

Me:  “No.”

Supervisor: exasperated, “Um… why?”

Me: “Because it’s dumb.”

Supervisor:  “What?”

Me:  “It’s stupid.”

Supervisor:  “Um, okay, but just write it down.”

Me:  “No.”

Not the most eloquent I’ve ever been, I have to say.  And that is only a short part of it.  That conversation lasted for the entire 5 minute break I had between classes… the 5 minutes I was hoping to use to sit at my desk and stare into space.  And in case you’re wondering, I did end up filling out the forms… sort of.  I read stories twice a week to 4 different classes, and I usually read more than one story to each class.  I have no idea what story I read to what class on whatever day, so I just made it up.

Okay, onto my blog relevant thoughts.  The other day at work some of my coworkers were talking about this huge party they went to, and some pictures that had been taken, including a picture of some girls (straight girls) kissing.  One of the girls, incidentally, was the girl who I think gaydared me, the one I think is… well, she’s pretty.  You might think I’d be shocked and dismayed by this, but I’m not.  Firstly, because this sort of thing happens all the time… at least, I hear about it all the time.  I don’t go to those sorts of parties, but certain segments of my friends do and they tell me.  The second reason I’m not shocked?  Well, I’m gay… really gay.  I’m gay to the point that, while I know that gay men and straight women exist, I just don’t understand how anyone can actually not be attracted to women, at least on some level.  

That’s probably a bit extreme.  It’s kind of like finding out that other people don’t like a movie that you think is phenomenal.  You understand that people have different tastes, but how could they not like something you thought was amazing?  It’s not that I think they’re lying, it’s just that… well... women are beautiful.  It’s kind of like sugar.  Everyone likes sugar, right?  I mean, they have to.  Some like it more than others, but doesn’t everyone like sugar?  It tastes good.  Doesn’t everybody have at least a bit of a sweet tooth?

And it doesn’t hurt that without exception, every single non-Christian woman I have ever come out to has “confessed” to me that they have occasionally fantasized about or been attracted to women.  It’s always so funny to me, because they usually say it thinking it’s going to be this huge deal, that I’m going to be shocked, but in my head I’m going “well, of course… women are hot.”

Anyway, the reason I bring this whole thing up is that the emotion I feel whenever I hear about 2 straight girls making out is not shock, or even hope that one of them might be gay and maybe I have a chance… it’s jealousy.  Pure and simple.  Not wishing that I could be one of them, because I don’t just want to kiss some random straight girl.  But I’m jealous that there are all these straight girls who have gotten to experience something that I haven’t… that it’s not a big deal to them.  And I also feel angry.   That sometimes it’s even a joke, something they do to titillate the boys, that it actually would be kind of okay for me to kiss a girl if I were straight… that it’s more acceptable for two straight girls to kiss than it is for two gay girls (or two gay guys for that matter) to kiss.  I hate that something that I long for is so easily attained (if only on a superficial level) by straight girls.  

Of course, like I said, I don’t want just some random kiss in a bar at a party.  I’ve had enough of kissing people I don’t care about.  Granted they were all boys, and all of them had the same effect on me – the same thoughts… “Okay, so when does this start to feel good?”  

Maybe it would be different if it was a girl, maybe I would like it then… who knows.  Regardless, I have kind of decided that I won’t kiss any more people I don’t really have ‘feelings’ for.  Of course, I should tell you that I made that decision over 5 years ago, so it’s been over 5 years since I’ve kissed anyone… and it’s not like I was a snoggaholic before that.  My first kiss was at 23, and my last was at 25.  Oy.  When I actually write that stuff out it kind of freaks me out.  Makes me want to be a hermit.  Either that or go to one of those parties and make out with the first 5 people I see.  

Well, these thoughts don’t have a lot of cohesion, because like I said, I’m exhausted.  And I have more thoughts, but I think you’ll have to wait for those ones because I’ve worn out my mental capacity writing this entry.           

6 Comments:

Peter O said...

I'm exgay, but I think when you wrote

"Well, I’m gay… really gay. I’m gay to the point that, while I know that gay men and straight women exist, I just don’t understand how anyone can actually not be attracted to women, at least on some level."

you captured the "normalness" of homosexual attraction to the homosexual perfectly.

Anonymous said...

hi jj, i've been reading through your blog a little bit and am really suprised at how much faith unites us Christians. I am a straight (never had to qualify that before but considering my audience...), Korean-American Reformed Christian living in California. I am single, 32, surrounded by great married couples with kids (whom I love btw) and also struggle with the ebb and flow of the "angst" of waiting for God and finding contentment in Him. I'm also a HUGE ST:TNG fan and a huger fan of Patrick Steward (ok, maybe that was TMI for an intro).
I never thought I would have found someone I (virtually) clicked with so well who is in every way SOOO different than me except our faith and (kind of) our struggles. Nice to meet you. May your struggles lead you to a deeper understanding of your most union with Christ.

cass

Willie Hewes said...

Damn, that's a lot of teaching! You have my respect.

About liking sugar: hell yeah. All women who don't actively suppress it fantasize about other women. Why? Cause women are just that hot. ;)

And that's a mostly straight girl's opinion, as well... Good to hear from you again. Hang in there.

Willie

Boo said...

Hey Juniper ;-) I'm still alive. I haven't blogged any because honestly I can't think of anything to blog about. I've also been working a lot. I stopped commenting on Christine's blog because she asked me to, then started again when she started quoting me from other blogs. Plus I've been really busy at work. So that's my response to your comment on my defunct blog ;-)

Sorry work is so stressful. Being in a nonprofit I can sympathize with the paperwork. We've been getting audited every time I turn around, and every time we pass with flying colors, but they keep coming back!! ARGH! I wish there was some private way of giving you my email, I don't wanna put it up on a public site. It would be cool to get in contact tho... maybe someday I could even give you your first real kiss... :-P Ok! I admit it! I'm EEEEEEEEEVILLLLLLLL!!!

JJ said...

Peter,

Welcome to my party! And as far as the 'normalness' issue goes, I don't think this is soley a 'homosexual' thing. I've heard my share of straight men (who have no idea that I'm gay) comment that they totally 'get' lesbians, because 'how can anyone not think women are hot?'. Plus, I will again point out, the number of straight women who readily admit to having lesbian fantasies is remarkably high. You don't hear about straight men having these fantasies, and I don't think it's just cause they're 'homophobic' (cause I know many who aren't at all), they just don't. Which leads me to conclude that women are just plain hotter than men! *grin*

Anonymous

Heh, don't worry, this whole blog is TMI. Besides, Patrick Stewart rocks! Thanks for stopping by.

Willie Hewes,

Cause women are just that hot. ;)

Amen! heehee

Boo!!!!!

Yay, you're still around. And no worries about not posting on your blog, I only went there because I was trying to figure out how to get a hold of you.

Christine started quoting you? I really didn't read her posts closely enough.

And again, no worries about the 'eeeviiilllll'. I'm starting to think that a good snog wouldn't really hurt anyone or anything.

Angel said...

Ok, whew, I feel better about thinking some women are hot ;) Totally straight (and Christian) but yeah, I understand the attraction LOL