I keep mentioning Ellen, and for good reason. I do adore her. But this is not so much about that. This is a serious post. A young, openly gay boy was killed by a boy he asked to be his valentine.
Well, I’ve been tagged again, by no subject, so here goes. I’m to list six random things about myself. So here goes.
1. I LOVE superheroes. I’ve been known to get quite passionate in arguing why Batman is, in fact, not a superhero (depressed rich guy with a lot of toys and a leather fetish? Yes. Superhero? No.), or to try and explain why I find Spiderman more interesting, but have an emotional attachment to Superman. I actually own a Superman ring, which is one of my most prized possessions… when I couldn’t find it after my recent surgery I had a bit of a panic. It was missing for several weeks, turned up in my mom’s closet. I’ve also got a theory about superheroes and homosexuality (that has nothing to do with Batman and Robin) that I think might be why I love them so much… it’s not a well formed theory, but it’s this idea that there is something about you that is inherently different and the fantasy of the superhero is that it is something that makes you more powerful than everyone else instead of less. Like I said, just a theory...
2. I write poetry. Maybe one day I’ll post some. Who knows. I haven’t written any in a while though.
3. I really want to go to space. I’m hoping that ‘space tourism’ becomes financially feasible in my lifetime. I want to experience weightlessness, I want to see a sunrise over the curvature of the earth… basically I want to be an astronaut for a day, but without all the horrible training. I mean, some of it looks cool, but most of it just looks like it would make me sick.
4. I’m embarrassingly superstitious. I try not to be, but I am. Not about bad things, like, I don’t care if I break a mirror or a black cat walks across my path, but I can’t seem to stop the reflex of wishing on the “first star I see tonight” (which is part of why it really bothers me when I can’t see any stars), or even wish chips. I always want to catch those floating dandelion seeds, and even though I don’t celebrate my birthday, I want to wish on the candles on a birthday cake. Basically I just wish on things.
5. Actually that reminds me of another thing, the one thing I’m superstitious about in a bad way. My birthday. I don’t celebrate my birthday. I had a series of really awful birthdays so now I’m rather paranoid about it, and I just try and skip past the day if I can. Most of my friends don’t know exactly when my birthday is, and the ones who do know enough to either ignore it or be very sly in their birthday greetings. I just never want a big thing, because there has just been a history of big birthday things going very badly, and it’s to the point that the one time since I instituted this ‘no birthday’ rule that someone tried to throw me a birthday party, my paranoia ruined it and I ended up having a panic attack and sobbing my eyes out. So yeah, no birthdays.
6. Well, that was kind of depressing so… how about something completely superficial? I’m totally attracted to ass-kicking women. (You know, I think this is a first… I don’t think I’ve ever written specifically about any characteristics in a woman that attract me before). And by ass-kicking I mean ass-kicking. I don’t know if it would translate to real life, to be honest, mostly because I don’t get a lot of opportunity to see people fighting in general, but I know that fight scenes in film that involve women always pique my interest. I actually didn’t realize this about myself until the movie Serenity came out. I’d watched (and loved) Firefly, and totally loved the River character – I found her really interesting, but nothing more. Then the movie came out and River suddenly went from being this completely helpless little girl to kicking all that ass and I was suddenly all about River and then had a moment of “whoa… what’s that all about?” and going back and realizing that I have a bit of a history of being attracted to female characters that kick ass. Starbuck, Sarah Conner (in her new incarnation too… you should totally check that show out if you haven’t already, it’s good even without the strong woman -- actually, it has 2 strong women -- although… then it wouldn’t be a show really), B’Elanna Torres, and while I was never into Buffy, I totally had a crush on Faith. There are loads of others, but I’ll stop there before I embarrass myself further.
Okay, those are my 6 random things. And I think I’m supposed to tag 6 people. So… Eric (even though he ignored my last tag), Eugene, Armored City, Peterson, Liadan and Christine.
So, it’s not really a secret that I love Ellen. She’s funny, smart… I love the way she dresses (seriously… I think she’s one of the best dressed celebrities out there)… she just makes me happy. Now I don’t watch everyday, but I do tivo it and usually do manage to catch up before my tivo decides to start deleting old episodes. Well, I was only a day behind today and so if you watched Ellen yesterday you saw this… you saw my worlds colliding – in such a good way!
I couldn’t find a clip of this on youtube. I actually ripped this myself – the first time I’ve ever done that! I just had to share it because it brought me such joy. I sat here in my living room, at first with my mouth just open in shock, and then grinning like an idiot. Kirk Franklin! Are you serious? Was I actually watching a lesbian rocking out to Kirk Franklin? I remember when that album came out and everyone in my church youth group was all over it – Stomp was the only song that I could stand on that CD actually. Watching Ellen dance along to a gospel song, and actually appearing to know the words… totally just rocked my world. (Not to mention the birthday greeting to Portia… I love it whenever Ellen even mentions her name.) Kind of like when I was dancing in the lesbian club in Korea and there was this song playing, and it had a certain sound to it so I turned to my friend I was there with and said “Man, this sounds like church music!” and went home and looked it up and low and behold – it was! (That link heads over to a youtube video that someone made featuring the song, I couldn’t find an actual video for it, but it’s a good song.) They played it a lot at the club actually. Made me happy everytime. When I was telling a good friend of mine about it, I explained it thusly – “It is just so amazing when they play that song at the lesbian club. It combines two things I love… Jesus and women!”
Perhaps not the most pious or profound thing I’ve ever said.
So, as I mentioned last time, I was a ‘guest speaker’ at a Bible Study on the subject of homosexuality. After two frantic days of preparing, I think it went very well, I’m kind of proud of myself. I’m pretty sure I over-prepared though. I had handouts that included a copy of Justin Cannon’s paper on the Bible and homosexuality from TruthSetsFree.net, the post I’d written on the Wesleyan Quadrilateral, Eugene’s posts on Defending ‘Truth’ by Telling Lies, and a section of a page from GayChristian101.com on the Greek word ‘pais’. So, yeah, probably over prepared. It was a pretty low key event, sitting around in my friend’s living room. I took every book that I had on homosexuality, and even borrowed 2 from a friend of mine here in the city. I also had burned copies of both of Tony Campolo’s talks (couldn’t find one of them when I got there, but luckily I’d given one to my friend about 2 years ago and she still had it).
So, what happened was that the people in the Bible Study emailed my friend whatever questions they had and she forwarded them on to me. And what I did, because I process my thoughts so much better when I write them down was just sit down at my computer and type out my answers. One of the questions was “What are some ways of interpreting seemingly anti-homosexual portions of scripture that we may not have heard before?” I dealt with that one last, being sure to say that I didn’t agree with every argument I was presenting. For that I relied heavily on Justin Cannon’s study, but I brought in other ideas as well, and then I went into the theories about gay people possibly showing up in Scripture… David and Jonathan, the idea that the word eunuch as used in Scripture often meant homosexual, and of course, my favourite one, the story of the Roman Centurion (that’s why I had the stuff about the Greek word ‘pais’ in there).
But I began answering the other questions first, so to give you a glimpse of what the study was like, I’m just going to copy what I originally typed out (after a bit of editing by a good friend of mine). I didn’t end up saying all of this (I was speaking, and I didn’t just read off the paper, it was just there for me to use as a guide), and there’s some stuff that came up that I didn’t anticipate so it’s not here, but this is what I prepared. Beware, this is a LONG post!
***********
Do you think that homosexuality is a sin?
In a word, no. I think that something that the church needs to be careful of is its language. A sin, according to my definition, involves a wilfully wrong action or the contemplation of such an action. In other words, there has to be a decision involved. Even a decision not to do something can be a sin. But there must be a decision. Homosexuality is not a choice… perhaps I should have started with that. No one in their right mind would choose to be gay. Therefore homosexuality cannot be a sin. The reason I find this such an essential distinction is because I grew up in a world that used this language – “homosexuality is a sin” and because of that I grew up believing that I was a sin… just by being. And it scared me. Because try as I might I couldn’t stop being a homosexual. It didn’t go away no matter how much I cried and begged and pleaded with God, no matter how many other people I asked for prayer it stayed the same. I thought that I was doomed… quite literally.
What you are actually asking is if I believe homosexual behaviour – to be blunt, gay sex – is okay, and to be honest with you I don’t know. I go back and forth on that issue so many times I really don’t know what to do about it anymore.
What is your opinion on gay marriage?
Would you consider yourself to have generally more liberal opinions than the average Christian? i.e.: sex before marriage - ok? not ok?, abortion - ok? not ok?
Do you feel that Christian homosexuals must remain celibate?
I put these questions together because they all kind of ask the same thing in my head. Firstly, do I consider myself more liberal… sex before marriage – I’m a wait until marriage girl all the way. One thing I’ve always tried to be clear about is that my question has never been whether or not it would be okay for me to have sex with a woman, my question is whether or not it would be okay for me to marry a woman. (The sex would, one assumes, be included in that). Abortion: I’m pro-life. Gay marriage… this is another issue. Because I have an opinion about it as a Canadian and an opinion about it as a Christian. I suppose that sounds weird, but here’s what I believe. I believe that gay marriage should be legal. Common law relationships (which are not Biblical by your average evangelical standards) are legal and protected under the law. People who have been divorced and remarried (something quite specifically prohibited by Scripture) have the same rights, responsibilities and protections under the law as those entering into their first marriage. I think that it’s ridiculous that a couple who has lived together for several years but has no intention of ‘legitimizing’ their relationship, or maybe Elizabeth Taylor on her 9th go of it gets to be married but a gay couple does not. I think the law is there to protect us from things that harm us as individuals and things that harm society, and so far I have not come across any arguments that can show me how gay marriage harms society. I think that the right to marry whom you chose is kind of a basic human right. Even prisoners are given that right.
Now what I think should be legal and what I think is okay for Christians are two different things. Though I am quite certain that it should be legal for people to worship any god they choose, I believe that Christians only worship the One True God. I can separate what I think should be legal from what I think is right for Christians. So the question of whether or not I think gay Christians should be celibate is still up for debate. I really do go back and forth on that all the time.
Do you think that homosexuals should be pastors / ordained / in authoritative positions in the church?
Yes. Now again, I feel the need to distinguish here between ‘homosexuals’ and ‘people engaging in homosexual behaviour – i.e.: in gay relationships’. Even assuming that gay behaviour is a sin (which I’m not sure about), simply being gay (in my opinion) should not exclude you from any kind of ministry. Being gay merely means being romantically drawn to people of the same gender: it does not mean anything else. It does not imply a more or less sinful nature than anyone else. Again, even assuming that all gay behaviour is sinful, admitting to being gay simply means admitting to an area of temptation, and if having temptations disqualifies you from ministry then no one can be in ministry.
Now if by ‘homosexuals’ you mean people engaging in homosexual behaviour, then I think that this varies by denomination. Some denominations believe that women shouldn’t teach in the church, so if you are a member of that denomination and you are a woman you shouldn’t try to teach. Some denominations think that gay relationships are perfectly okay and so in those denominations then people in gay relationships should be just as welcome to minister in any capacity as anyone else. In denominations that believe that gay relationships are sinful then no, they should not be ministering. It’s kind of like the situation in the Wesleyan church with alcohol. I personally think that there’s nothing wrong with drinking alcohol in moderation, but Wesleyan church doctrine thinks that there is, and so in order to be ordained in the Wesleyan church (or even to become a member) you have to promise not to drink. I think that that rule is ridiculous and should be changed, but as long as it is in effect I kind of expect those who have made that promise to keep it.
This, of course, takes me right back to whether or not I believe gay relationships are sinful and again, I have to say that I don’t know.
Do you believe you were born this way and it is a natural thought process?
I have no idea what causes homosexuality – whether or not it is biological or psychological I have no idea. I do know that I now kind of ignore the general psychological explanations that conservative Christians like James Dobson give because while I personally conform to the theories (domineering mother, absent father, childhood trauma, etc…) most of the gay people I know do not… and a lot of straight people I know do. So, I kind of tend to think that they are guessing. And oddly enough, these theories are mostly based on Freudian thinking, something that Christians in other areas completely dismiss, but in this one area it is the only explanation that they can find that works. I can tell you that there is very clear evidence of homosexuality in nature (i.e.: animals). And there have been studies done on gay people (frustratingly they all seem to be done on men, almost no one studies lesbians) that look at pheromone reaction and the make up of the brain. The only thing I’ve ever read in these studies that pertains to women, however is the finger thing, and it’s only a correlation, not really a guess as to a cause.
Do you believe that when the early signs started to arise within you, that they could have been "just tendencies" and could or should have been suppressed in any way or should they have been liberated earlier?
Well, that’s exactly what happened. I first told my mother when I was 10 (My first memory of knowing I was gay is when I was 9) and I was immediately sent for prayer and counselling with a couple at my church which turned out be creepy and weird and I immediately dove back into the closet and tried to suppress my feelings. I managed to have some crushes on boys while at the same time knowing that I liked girls still, but thinking that it would go away eventually, if I worked hard enough at the boy thing.
Have you met anyone who has been healed of homosexuality?
I’ve met people who have claimed to be healed. I can tell you about the first guy. He came to my church when I was 16. We were doing a kind of summer outreach in Toronto and he was part of a team that came in to help us with that. He gave a testimony at church about how he had ‘come out of the homosexual lifestyle’ and ‘been healed of his sinful homosexuality’. And I latched onto him. I remember quite distinctly thinking that I was going to learn everything about what he did to be ‘cured’. I was going to learn where he went, what organization he went to, how much it cost, what they taught, what he had to do… everything. I knew it would cost me money and time, and so my thought was that I would learn how he did it, wait until I had my own money and then go do what he did and no one would ever have to know.
So I attached myself to his side, volunteered to be his guide in Toronto, and peppered him with questions. And within three days it was quite clear to me that he was still gay. He would point out certain guys on the street and say things like “man, if I was still gay he would be just my type” or “when I was gay, I would have been all over that guy”, or “oooh, check it out, I’m being cruised” (incidentally, my first lesson in ‘gay lingo’).
I immediately realized what he had meant when he gave his testimony: that he had gone from having gay sex to not having gay sex. Which is not what I wanted or needed, because, well, I wasn’t (and still am not) having sex at all. I’m actually really glad I met this guy because it meant that I questioned any similar testimonies I heard or read, and what I found was that in all of them – without fail – the people who say that they have been healed really mean that they’ve either gone from having gay sex to having straight sex, or gone from having gay sex to not having sex at all. (In one particular case it was merely a case changing labels, went from calling themselves gay to calling themselves straight.) And when you question them, they admit that they still ‘struggle’… i.e.: they still find themselves attracted to people of the same gender sometimes – they still feel homosexual temptations. And as Tony Campolo noted in a talk he gave on “Struggling with the Gay Issue”, if you have really gone from being homosexual to being heterosexual, then the way you will be tempted is with heterosexual temptations.
The biggest ‘ex-gay’ organization out there, and the one that is the umbrella for most of the ex-gay programs you have probably heard of (if you’ve heard of any) is Exodus, and the best that they claim is 30% success rate (and believe me, you have to push and hunt to find that statistic, they hide it very well under their ‘change is possible’ banners). More recently, they have taken to admitting that what they are able to offer are tools to help control behaviour – i.e.: tools to help people become celibate – a lot of what I’ve heard recently their publicity is that they are now admitting that most people who successfully complete their program (that 30% they claim) will always still struggle.
This is not to say that I don’t believe God can ‘heal’ homosexuality, I think He can. I don’t know why He doesn’t most of the time.
I can also tell you that a lot of people who went through those programs came out more messed up than they went in. Many people who go into these programs as Christians come out no longer believing because they feel disillusioned by a faith that promised them change but couldn’t deliver.
I’ve also heard and read about many people who went through those programs and talk about how harmful they were not just to them, but to their families – those programs generally teach that it is the parents’ fault, and so people go into those programs and are told that they have an overbearing mother and a distant father and whether or not it is true they are forced to take that on as truth. On the homepage of one ex-gay I actually read the phrase “I didn’t realize it at the time, but my father was distant and unloving towards me growing up.” And all I could think was – “okay, if you didn’t realize it until you were told, then it probably wasn’t true… other people convinced you that you had a bad relationship with your father and that’s just sad.”
To sum up, I personally think those programs do more harm than good. I think that they are well intentioned, buy well, you know what they say about good intentions…
Even though God loves you so much, do you think that He wants you to remain what you are or does He wish you to be heterosexual?
I don’t know the answer to that. At this point I pretty much believe He doesn’t because I asked Him so many times and tried so hard and nothing changed. I had such peace when I finally went “Okay, this is who I am I guess… so I guess I have to figure out how to be a Christian while still being gay…”
What kinds of attitudes towards homosexuality have you encountered among people in the church?
I have encountered a wide variety of attitudes and beliefs. Here are some more extreme examples. I once heard a guy comment, after hearing of a “gay bashing” incident on campus, that he wished he’d been there so he could have joined in. I’ve also heard this statement more than once “We should send all the faggots to San Francisco, build a big wall around it and let them infect each other with AIDS and die… that would solve the problem.”
Those are the more extreme things… mostly it’s an ‘us and them’ mentality. As if gay people are the enemy. This talk about the ‘gay agenda’ really ticks me off – for many reasons. First off, gay people cannot be lumped together in one group that all want the same thing. I get annoyed when people point out something some crazy Christian says and assume I think the same thing. We are all guilty of stereotyping others and assuming people in our social/religious/work circles are on our side. The important thing is to recognize that the church is always doing that to gay people. I honestly don’t think gay rights activists are asking for anything really drastic: the right not to be discriminated against and the right to marry whom they chose. Pretty basic to my understanding.
Why do you think this issue has aroused so much bitterness - I mean is it that so many Christians REALLY believe that the Bible says it is wrong or has it been more a "social" problem, perhaps reflecting more basic prejudices etc.?
I think that a huge part of the problem is that the church has sort of set itself up as the enemy of gay people. The “us versus them” thing is huge. I think a lot of gay people are angry at the church because they were hurt by the church… growing up in the church and hearing sermons preached against them as people – sermons that called them evil, or perverts. They may also have heard people in the church interchange the terms “homosexual” and pedophile as if they were the same thing (they are so not, by the way… I’ve had to correct people on this before… statistically speaking, children are less likely to be sexually abused by a gay person than a straight one).
Another issue is the fact that there are a lot of lies said about gay people in the church… One particular researcher (Paul Cameron)’s statistics and results are still used even though he was let go from the American Psychological Association for ethics violations and misrepresenting his research. His theories and conclusions have been so thoroughly debunked, and yet his research is still used quite often in Christian publications when talking about homosexuality. (His studies concluded things like gay teachers can influence their students to be gay, gay people don’t live as long as straight people, and most disturbingly, that gay people are much more likely to be pedophiles – all of which have been thoroughly proven to be untrue).
The problem, of course, is that hearing and believing such false, ill-founded statistics causes Christians to treat gay people as sex crazed perverts. It’s offensive.
The church also seems to have arbitrarily drawn a line in the sand about the biblical issues with which to take issue. There are all kinds of things in the Bible that we don’t really pay attention to anymore. Men can have long hair, women can cut their hair and braid it if they so choose. We all go to churches where women preach. My mom attends a church where the senior pastor and his wife both divorced their first spouses before marrying each other. It seems sometimes that the church has drawn this line just for the sake of drawing a line, and it can be pretty awful if you are on the 'wrong' side of that line.
I think one of the things that people need to remember is that if there are100 people in your church, there are probably 2 or 3 gay people kicking around. And lest you think that this statistic doesn’t apply to churches because it is not a random sample of the population, according to researchers (Tony Campolo – a Baptist minister who is also a sociologist – among them) have shown that the statistics are usually higher in churches… and they get even higher the more charasmatic the churches get. And we sit there in churches and hear sermons that use gay people as the examples of depravity in society, or youth pastors who adopt an effette accent while mocking gay people thinking that that is perfectly okay, because there will be no gay people there. But there are gay people in churches, and it’s no wonder that if and/or when they leave the church they are angry.
If you were homosexual but not Christian, how could a Christian friend represent their views on homosexuality (or what could they say) that would let you know it would be okay to become a Christian?
Okay, well, to be perfectly honest, I don’t know why anyone would feel the need to represent their views on homosexuality at all if they were wanting to talk about becoming a Christian. I just don’t think it’s relevant. Even assuming that all homosexual behaviour is sinful, and assuming that the gay person you are speaking to is engaging in gay behaviours, how is it any different from any other sort of sin that we all engage in? Just think for a moment that instead of being gay, the person you are speaking to is in a common law relationship, they’ve been living with someone out of wedlock for years. Would you feel the need to tell them that you thought they were living a sinful lifestyle? Maybe you would… I know people who would. But to be perfectly honest, for the most part it isn’t necessary. I have a good friend who right now has been living with her boyfriend for 4 years. I believe in waiting until marriage, so therefore I think that this is not right. I have never once had to tell her this, she knows me, she knows what I believe without my ever having to say anything. I know this because she’s brought it up.
I think that part of the question here is how to be friends with gay people (who are in relationships) without ‘condoning their lifestyle’, and I think the way to go is to forget for a second that they are gay. For some reason Christians seem to put that in a different class of sin as if it is somehow dirtier than other sins. Imagine that this person is a straight person engaged in something you know is sinful, such as a common law relationship, and imagine how you would interact with them. Would you feel the need to make sure they knew you believed they were sinning? Would you not invite them and their common law spouse over for dinner because you didn’t want to condone their relationship? And as a Christian who wants to share Christ with people, would you expect them to change before coming to Christ?
I think it’s important to remember that this is not a central issue. If you are specifically thinking about sharing Christ with gay people, then I would say to remember how peripheral this issue is: Scripture barely mentions it at all (I’ll get into this more later) and it has basically nothing to do with the essentials of salvation. If you are talking with a person who wants to become a Christian but believes that they can’t because they are gay then get them to stop talking about being gay. It’s just not relevant. Being gay is not a sin, but you know what? Even if it was, since when does sin disqualify you from being a Christian? We’ve all sinned, and we are all on a journey to become more like Christ.
If their issue is that they don’t want to become a Christian because they don’t want to give up engaging in gay behaviour then the issue is that their priorities are not quite right. You can get into some pro-gay theology if you like (I'll outline some in a minute), but again, it just isn’t a central issue. Jesus is central. Our relationship with God is central. Being gay, gay behaviour… these are secondary issues that can and should be worked out later.
*****************
So that's it, that's a sort of outline of the Bible study. Hope you enjoyed it.
So, I haven’t written since my mom’s visit. Her visits, as most of you know by now, are kind of overwhelming for me, and I usually need some time to recover after she goes, but that didn’t really happen for me this time. You remember the friend who picked me up from the airport when I came back from the conference? She had asked me ages ago if I would be willing to speak at her Bible Study on the subject of homosexuality. I’d said yes, but I guess it fell by the wayside. But that night she remembered and asked if I would be able to speak at her Bible Study the week after my mom left. I agreed, but it turned out that some people couldn’t make it that week, so I ended up doing it last night – 2 days after my mom left. Which meant that those 2 days were spent preparing and being nervous. Today has been my recovery day. It’s 2:30 and I’m literally just getting my day started. I don’t sleep very much when my mom’s here (tense, I guess, plus she wakes me up early every day), and then I couldn’t sleep because I was nervous, and then last night when I got home from the study I was so wired I couldn’t sleep either.
But I’ll tell you about that study later. First I thought I’d tell you about my mom’s visit. I’m pretty sure that part of the reason she insisted on coming so soon after I just spent such a significant amount of time with her in Toronto was because she didn’t have the opportunity to sit me down and lecture me over Christmas. Her house was just so full of family and friends for the entire week I was there. There was our aunt from Philadelphia, and 3 friends from Bermuda there – I joked that we were having a “Black Christmas – no white’s allowed!”. Heh, the first time I made that joke, I was talking on the phone with my mom from the house of some lovely white people and they stared at me in shock. I then went on to tell my mom to be careful, that with all those black people in her house, the property values might go down for the week. You should have seen the look on the face of my white host, she looked like she was going to choke on her tongue! Even after I told her I was, of course, joking, she sputtered a bit in shock. White guilt can fun sometimes.
Anyway, the day I left Toronto, my mom walked me down to my car, and I could see the panic growing on her face. As we got closer and closer to my car she got more and more tense, and then she grabbed my face and forced me to look at her and delivered a power lecture on my weight and diet and exercise that lasted about 10 minutes, with her holding my face still the entire time, and while I wouldn’t say she was yelling, she was quite loud. It was pretty intense.
So yeah, she probably didn’t feel she got enough lecturing time in, so she scheduled a visit to remedy that. And believe me, she did. But there was more that happened than that. She arrived on Thursday and I was working on Friday, so she was home alone. I got her bus tickets so she could get around the city by herself, but she spent the entire day in my apartment, cleaning and rearranging my furniture (I’m not entirely sure what to do with my newly designed living room, not sure whether or not to leave it as my mom left it or try and put it back). Do you remember my dining room table? The one that’s impossible to move by yourself? She tried and broke it. I came home from work and was greeted by her at the door, “Don’t freak out, I broke your table.” She offered to replace it, took me to Ikea that night and I picked out a table she didn’t particularly like, so instead she spent time fixing my dining room table, which is good, because I like the one I’ve got. Anyway, we got home from Ikea, and I sat down, exhausted. I’d been up since 6 am, remember. And this is when this my mom tells me that, as I could see, she had been cleaning my apartment (something she does every time she comes, whether I ask her not to or not, whether its clean or not), and she found ‘some books’. I stared at her, trying to figure out what she meant by that, because I’m petty sure I sanitized the place before she came, I always do… hide the Harry Potter, hide the stuff on homosexuality, hide anything that could possibly cause her to be upset… I really couldn’t figure out what she meant. She continued, “I found some books on homosexuality and the church.” Of course, I was shocked. I still have no idea where she found them, and she insists they were just lying around, which I doubt… I mean, it’s a habit with me to sanitize my home before she arrives just to avoid such confrontations. Anyway, we had a long (read: 2 hour) conversation and afterwards I went to my computer and wrote the following down (I’ve edited it a bit, mostly for readability).
We began with her question, “"What do you believe about homosexuality? What does the Bible say?"
So I went through the so-called 'clobber passages', explaining what I think about them, or what I'm not sure I think about them... trying to be sure and give both sides (because that's where I'm at.) She listened, and actually kind of agreed with me on most of them (i.e.: Sodom is irrelevant and Leviticus is sort of moot, etc).
I'm trying to remember points here, so I'm being kind of scattered. She asked me about the sexual abuse that happened to me and if I thought that was relevant (I don't).
She expressed extreme concern about my telling people, she really wants me to keep this under my hat. She thinks it's 'extremely personal and private' and kept asking me 'Why would you tell anyone that? Why do you feel like you should do that?'
We talked about the 'revelation' I had when I suddenly realized I could be both gay and Christian, how I had been convinced for so long that I was doomed to hell because I was taught that the two things were antonymous. She asked me if I'd been "set free from that wrong belief" and I told her about when I stopped listening to the voices of the church that said that, it suddenly became clear to me that there was no way that simply being gay could stop me from being a Christian.
Oh, and I asked her (through tears) what would happen if I did enter into a relationship with a woman and she first of all said that she believed 'there would be a separation of a sort but not a loss of love'. I asked her for clarification and she went back and said that she had had a feeling many times that I was in a relationship (she actually kept asking me if I had ever had a relationship, I'm still not sure if she believes me that I haven't), and then went on to say that she would still want to come over and 'enjoy helping you out with your house and encouraging you about your weight (!!?! I can't believe she managed to work that in!)', and would always be 'for' me, but she wouldn't condone what I was doing.
She also told me that I should do a study on marriage and see what God says about that. Oh, and this may not seem like much, but it's a HUGE step for her, she said 'maybe God has called you to celibacy, the Bible says some people are so... maybe"
Of course, she followed that up with how much she wanted me to experience romance at least once, and then prayed to that effect.
And now she's out in my living room watching “The Day the Earth Stood Still”.
And I'm still exhausted.
(written 12:26 AM January 12)
So once again I'm writing to let you all know that I am going to be out of the loop for a little while. My mom is coming to visit tomorrow. And if you are thinking "Really? Didn't you just spend 3 weeks with her in Toronto while you were recuperating from your surgery, and then only a week later spend another week with her over Christmas?" you are thinking much the same thoughts as me. But unfortunately, our thoughts are not the thoughts that matter. My mother has decreed that she is coming, and so she is. At least she's flying in this time, which means that she has to leave when she says she is (which is Monday night), so that is good.
In the interim, if you have time and bandwidth to spare, I highly suggest you download a copy of Straight to Heaven, a musical parody written by Justin Lee (yes, the same one who heads up GCN). It's absolutely brilliant, I laughed to the point of tears the first time I watched it. And aside from being thigh slappingly funny, it also happens to be a very spot on representation of the conflict that gay Christians go through - the pull from both the church and the gay community who say that living as both a gay person and a Christian is impossible.
Anyway, enjoy! Until we meet again.
One of my roommates at the conference was a gay, married (to a woman) Lutheran minister who has only recently begun his journey of trying to reconcile his faith and his sexuality. When he was telling me a bit of his story he made this comment, “I guess I’m at this conference to visit Cornelius.” I couldn’t help but laugh when he said that, simply because I don’t think he could have given a more concise explanation if he’d been trying.
Do you remember that story in Acts where Peter goes to visit Cornelius? Even before he goes to see Cornelius, God shakes up his world view by telling him to “not call anything impure that God has made clean”. And then he gets there, sees the evidence of the Spirit in the lives of these Gentiles and has to acknowledge that God has called them too, that they are as worthy of being called Christians as anyone else.
Now I have to admit that I didn’t go with any such agenda in mind. I didn’t have an agenda really, at least nothing solid. I knew I wanted to be there, but if you had asked me to articulate why I would have probably been quite vague. But I did visit with Cornelius (although if I use this metaphor, I suppose I have to say that I am Cornelius too… or at least one of his Gentile guests.) And I know that I felt the presence of God. Part of me is cringing at using this charismatic terminology, but I can’t think of another way to say it. God was there, the evidence of the Spirit in the lives of all of these gay Christians was undisputable. It was really powerful. There were moments during the worship where I would suddenly remember where I was, and I would suddenly feel so full – I didn’t know what to do. Except cry, I guess, cause I did that a fair bit. I am just so glad I went.
I honestly don’t really know what all to say about it, there is just so much, and it’s all kind of melded together into one sort of euphoric moment in my head, so it’s even kind of hard to give details. Perhaps I should have kept a sort of log like Eric did. I can hardly tell one day from another in my head.
But you probably want some details. One thing I can tell you is that I’m so glad I got there early… like really early. The conference started officially at 5 PM (although that turned out to be just the registration time) and my flight got into D.C. at 8:30 in the morning – with travel time from the airport I got to the hotel around 10. At first it was kind of horrible. I was alone in the hotel, I couldn’t check in because I didn’t know what room I was in (I only knew my roommates first name and last initial), so I just had to hang around the lobby. I could see people were already there for the conference, and I screwed up my courage to introduce myself to them, but then the introvert in me would assert itself and I would go off and sit alone in a chair somewhere. But that ended up paying off. They were holding a banquet for local churches and gay organizations – and it was invitation only, but because I was there early and sitting all by myself, and some people were unable to make it, they asked me if I wanted to join, so I did – hey, a free lunch and a chance to meet people. And I also got to hear Justin (the leader of the Gay Christian Network) speak, and to see clips of a movie he’s been working on… that was pretty powerful.
And then when the banquet let out, I went over to the registration table and asked if they needed help… so I met some people there, just helping out… and then registration began and the awesome started. Because I was behind the registration table, I literally met everybody! Even if only for a moment. And the genius of it was that everyone felt like they’d met me, so that people kind of felt like they knew me already when things began… which is good because I’m kind of shy. (Not that anyone who was there may have noticed this). People often approached me, which was rather perfect. I immediately felt part of things. Of course, there were a few awkward moments, because people sort of assumed that I knew details of what was going on. Oh, and being on that team meant that during the first session I ended up handing some stuff out, and being the complete dork that I am, I tripped and stumbled half way down the length of the auditorium and nearly landed in RJ Helton’s lap. It would have been pretty embarrassing no matter whose lap I almost landed in, but well… RJ was the celebrity guest, and I remember watching him on the first season of American Idol. Not my proudest moment, that.
One of the things that struck me over the weekend was how necessary GCN and other like-minded ministries are. There just aren’t a lot of places for evangelical gay Christians to go. I watched as one wonderful young man shook uncontrollably as he registered, afraid to wear his nametag, even if it only had his first name on it. And I watched the joy grow on his face as the weekend wore on and he realized that this was a safe place for him (unlike the conservative evangelical university he attends). And I listened to person after person tell their stories about how they have been kicked out of their church fellowships for coming out, or how they hide in the closet in their daily lives, no one in the church knowing the truth. It’s so sad and so wrong.
The other thing that I couldn’t help but notice over the weekend was the disproportionate number of men there who had once been youth leaders or worship leaders at their church. And while I can’t really speak to their youth leading abilities, only because I there’s not really a chance for that sort of skill to be in evidence on a weekend like this, I can say from worshipping under their leadership that the church has lost a lot of gifted people by excluding them. These guys (they were all guys) have (in my opinion) been gifted by God to lead people into His presence, and then told by the church that they are disqualified from doing just that. RJ Helton actually spoke (and wept) about this the last night, how he had been convinced that God could no longer use him. It’s sad, and it’s wrong.
Another thought that kept occurring to me was that I really wished some of my friends from home were there to see it – my straight Christian friends. I want them to see these people, to recognize their (our) existence, to feel the presence of God in the worship, to hear the stories. I cried almost every time anyone straight made themselves known, just to know that they heard us, and that they cared enough to be there.
When I got home, my friend picked me up from the airport, and as I was telling her about the weekend she asked “So, what can we do? We non-gay Christians… how can we make it better?” I didn’t have an answer, really, other than realize that we exist. The church pretends that we don’t, and when we stand up and say we are here, they insist that we are not really a part of them. And so many people believe them. I remember that conversation I had with that girl in Korea where she said that since she was gay and couldn't change that fact, she couldn’t be a Christian, and no matter what I said to her, she believed that. She had been convinced. So sad, and so wrong.
Anyway, there are my day after reflections. I’m sure I’ll have more as the days go by.
"Back from what?" you ask. Well, I went to the GCN conference in Washington D.C. It was kind of a last minute decision (and because of that, it kind of was a punch in the gut financially), but I'm so glad I went. It was so refreshing... no, more than refreshing. Strength giving. But I don't have the strength to blog about it completely right now as I am utterly exhausted. A few late nights followed by (relatively) early mornings is too much for these old bones.
But, as I met many people who read this blog at the conference, I thought I'd say 'Hi!', and it truly was wonderful to meet you! Honestly, I was kind of floored by the reaction people had when they found out who I was. And so grateful. To think that something I threw out on the internet had a positive impact on anyone else is pretty powerful.
I also wanted to say that it was a delight to meet other bloggers I've been sort of 'blog buddies' with for years -- Eric, Eugene and Christine. We even got to go to dinner together one night and just gab. That was great. I also got to play Settlers of Catan: Knights and... um... ships? pirates? Damn it. I kept forgetting the name of the game that night and it still won't stick in my head. Anyway, I played that with Eric and Eugene. It was fun playing until 2 in the morning... I didn't win. Was rather soundly trounced by Eugene (or was it Matt? I'm pretty sure it was Eugene.) And to have a late night gab session with Christine. Seriously, it was an incredible weekend. One I won't soon forget. I'll blog about it more when I'm rested and coherent, but for now I thought I'd leave you with a little life lesson I picked up while I was there. It's not all that deep, but it is important. And the lesson is this -- learned after a ridiculously fun late night conversation with Grant from Armored City among others -- It is dangerous to talk until five in the morning with gay men, because things get said that might not be said under other circumstances.
Seriously, it's an important lesson.
Okay, so yeah… I’ve been out of it. And I’m basically just back to say Merry Christmas before heading back into the land that internet forgot. Well, just my mother’s really, but it’s hard to use the internet at her place.
But for those who were wondering, the surgery I had went very well, and I no longer have any extraneous parts, and was able to keep all my original parts, which was exciting given I was told I would need to have some rather significant parts removed. (Click on the links there if you want to know what I’m talking about. For some reason I don’t feel as private about it now that it’s over. Weird.) I recovered quite quickly, with no complications, but my mom insisted on keeping me under her roof for about 3 weeks. And then I came home, rejoiced in my freedom and was promptly hit with another bizarre illness – benign positional vertigo. Something I would not wish on my worst enemy. Truly the worst thing I have ever experienced. Dizziness for 3 days straight. I don’t know if I can even begin to express how awful that was.
But it is over and I am fully functional now, and headed back to my mother’s for Christmas. We’ve got loads of people visiting from Bermuda as well as my Aunt from the States, so it should be a good time. I do really love this time of year, no matter how stressful family can be.
Anyway, I thought I’d leave you all with a little gift. I found this clip today, and it has nothing to do with Christmas but it brought me much joy. I think that the next time I find myself teaching English to children, I should include the phrase “put my pimp hand down”. So here you all go, with my love! Enjoy.
Anyway, I hope you all have a wonderful Christmas. Here’s hoping I can get back to blogging regularly in the new year.
Okay, so I know that due to my very sporadic posting schedule, no one will likely notice this, but I am going to be out of commission for a while... my surgery date is finally here! Well, on Monday anyway. And I will be staying with my mother in Toronto during my convalescence, which means that when I come home from the hospital (on Thursday) I will still not be posting for about two weeks. Anyway, just thought you might all want to know.
In other news, I had a conversation with an American friend recently who had read my last post, and I was shocked to note the difference in the American way of thinking versus the Canadian way of thinking so I thought I would clarify. I very much believe in honouring those who have gone before and fought for my country, but I am not pro-war. I don't know a single Canadian who won't proudly wear a poppy in November, and who doesn't honour those who have served in our military, but on the whole, we are not a 'warring' people. That poem is one that every Canadian learns in childhood (they've even translated it into French) and I know that I was taught (I can't speak for all Canadians) that Remembrance Day was a day to not only remember the soldiers who fought and died, but to remember those who fought for my rights as a woman, my rights as a visible minority, my right to worship in the way I chose, my right to speak freely about whatever I wish... all my rights. It is a way to acknowledge the sacrifice that others have made that have impacted my life, and it is a reminder to not take those rights for granted.
Anyway, just thought I'd clarify.
Love to all!
In Flanders fields the poppies blow
Between the crosses, row on row,
That mark our place; and in the sky
The larks, still bravely singing, fly
Scarce heard amid the guns below.
We are the Dead. Short days ago
We lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow,
Loved, and were loved, and now we lie
In Flanders fields.
Take up our quarrel with the foe:
To you from failing hands we throw
The torch; be yours to hold it high.
If ye break faith with us who die
We shall not sleep, though poppies grow
In Flanders fields.
-Lieutenant Colonel John McCrae
So I’m having a good week. Nothing dramatic, I just love this time of year! I’ve written before about how I kind of hate November, which I find rather funny when I think about how much I love October. To me, this is the most Canadian time of year… which doesn’t make a lot of sense, I know, but that’s the way it is. I moved to Canada as a little girl in the summer, and summer in Toronto is not that different (to a 5 year old’s eyes) than summer in Bermuda, so it wasn’t until Autumn started settling in that I began to feel the difference. This is the time of year when I am most grateful that I am not God, because I can tell you that I never would have thought of anything so crazy as having leaves change colour and turn the hills and parks into an impressionist painter’s idea of fire. It’s just amazing.
Anyway, I’ve just been in a good mood and noticing things that make me happy, so I thought I would list them.
1. Running hugs from children.
You know what this is, right? When a child runs at you with their arms open wide and then crashes into your legs, almost knocking you over, as they wrap their arms around you as tight as they can. Have I mentioned how much I’m enjoying supply teaching at a local preschool? I’ve been in there a lot and the kids love me and I love them, and I get running hugs from them on a regular basis. I don’t know that there is anything better for the ego than that.
2. Pomegranates.
I love pomegranates. And in Canada they are only around for a few months a year. I am usually very aware of when pomegranate season starts, but having recently returned from Korea, where the pomegranate season was kind of opposite to ours (and, incidentally, a lot longer!) I wasn’t paying attention. So today when I was grocery shopping and stumbled across a barrel of pomegranates in the produce section, I was barely able to contain the happy squeal that bubbled up in my throat. They are bloody expensive, but oooh… so yummy!
3. The Amazing Race.
Okay, so this one’s a little shallow… but it is one of my favourite shows. And if they ever wise up and allow Canadians on that show I will line up so fast to audition… I’ve already got a few potential partners lined up. Now, the Amazing Race isn’t on TV yet, but I just found out today that the new season is starting in November (which is good, because as I mentioned, I hate November). But here’s the thing, not only is one of my favourite shows returning to TV (again, I say ‘yay!’), but they are featuring for the first time a lesbian couple. And not just any lesbian couple, but Christian lesbians! Ministers, in fact! It’s pretty cool. (Hat tip to my beloved AfterEllen.com) You can watch the promo, if you like.
Lady: “So… are you a nerd?”
Me: “Yes, I guess so…”
Lady: after pause, “… an actual nerd?”
Me: “Uh… well, yeah, I consider myself a nerd?”
Lady: “You are a real nerd?”
Me: (now wondering if perhaps ‘nerd’ means something different in French) “Well… yes. I am a nerd.”
Lady: “Can I have your card?”
Me: “What?”
Lady: “Do you have a card?”
Me: “Uh… no…”
Lady: “Okay. Do you work for the nerds?”
Me: “Ooooh… you mean the nerds who fix computers?”
Lady: “Yes.”
Me: “No, I am a different kind of nerd.”
First of all, I’d like to say to all of my Canadian readers – Happy Thanksgiving, eh? I didn't have much of a traditional Thanksgiving this year, I didn’t even head up to Algonquin park for my mom’s annual ‘look at the foliage’ outing. I do love foliage, but I’ve spent so much time driving back and forth between Ottawa and Toronto for doctor’s stuff (and I’ll be driving out there again today) that I just didn’t want to leave my home to go look at leaves. We get plenty of nice leaves here in our great Dominion’s capitol, thank you very much.
Anyway, it has come to my attention that I have been tagged by Just Me. Which is nice, because it gives me stuff to blog about. So… here goes.
1. What were you doing 10 years ago?
10 years ago I was in University (University of Ottawa, to be specific). I think I would have been in my 2nd or 3rd year. Either way I was horribly depressed. At some point around here I was put on anti-depressants, which I stopped taking about 4 weeks into it because they made me feel really weird – I felt like I was in slow motion all the time, it actually felt dangerous, like I had really poor reaction time. I was kind of afraid I was going to do something stupid like walk into traffic and not be able to move quick enough to get out of the way. I started going to professional therapy sometime around here, which was very helpful (although, it did not end up making me straight, as I secretly hoped it would).
In other news, around here I discovered Tori Amos, Sarah Maclachlan and Alanis Morrisette, which was fun. Ellen Degeneres came out of the closet, which really had nothing to do with me, except I had started watching her sitcom about 3 weeks before the now landmark “Puppy Episode”, and so it threw me for a bit of an emotional loop when that happened. I stopped watching after that. Hit at little too close to home.
I was in Korea, teaching English to kids ranging in age from 4 to 13. The kids were great, but at this time last year, I was hating it very, very much; and was telling anyone who would listen how much I hated Korea and would never return. It would be about a month or two before I was able to separate my boss and work situation from the country of Korea and realize that the country itself isn’t half bad, I just worked for a dimwit, misogynistic idiot.
Smartfood, movie popcorn with sour cream and onion topping (which is similar, I know, to Smartfood, but different enough that I think it qualifies), oatmeal raison cookies, Humpty Dumpty cheese sticks (which I have recently learned are only available in Canada, how about that, eh?), and grapes (thought I’d add something healthy).
I’m going to skip all church songs, because there are just too many. And I’m just going to go with the first 5 that come to my mind.
a) God is a DJ by Pink
b) Space Cowboy by The Steve Miller Band
c) I’m Scared by Burton Cummings
d) Movin’ on Up – the themesong to the Jeffersons
e) Closer to Fine by the Indigo Girls
Don’t ask why those 5 came to mind, I have no answers for you.
a) Pay off my mortgage
b) College funds for my sisters
c) Tithe (that should be first, I know… but I know it wouldn’t come first in my head)
d) Savings
e) Travel… I mean, more than I normally do… oooh, I could finally go and teach somewhere where they don’t pay you. I mean, I could do that again, cause I’ve done that once, but I didn’t have a mortgage then.
Okay, now that’s just a mean one.
a) Over-processing. I’ve heard that this is a lesbian trait. Not sure if that’s true of all lesbians, but it is certainly true of me.
b) Messiness. Not sure how to word that better as a bad habit. But I’m messy.
c) Interrupting. Both myself and other people.
d) Procrastinating.
e) Avoiding problems. Not quite a habit, but I definitely do this all the time.
a) Travel.
b) Be with kids… they are just eternally interesting.
c) Read
d) Write
e) Watch movies/TV… it may not be deep, but I do enjoy pop culture.
I will qualify this, as “Five things I would never wear except under extreme duress, like if I was a bridesmaid in a wedding or to a funeral or something like that.”
a)Dress/skirt. I hate wearing them. And I haven’t worn them since… well, since I was a bridesmaid in a friend’s wedding.
b) Stilettos. They are just stupid. Although, I must admit, sometimes they look hot. But on other people. Not me. Never, ever me.
c) Earrings. Although, I occasionally wear clipons because my mom really wants me to, but they hurt. This is not because I don’t like earrings, it’s because the holes in my ears closed years ago. I could repierce them, I suppose, but why?
d) Bikini. Why do this to myself?
e) Um… fake nails. Not that I have ever worn them, or even really care about them, I just can’t think of anything else.
a) Tivo – I just got one. It’s fun!
b) Digital camera
c) Computer, I know it’s way more than a toy, but I do play with it.
d) My ice shaver… I love shaved ice… I put it in a bowl and eat it with a spoon and it makes me happy.
e) Ipod… although I haven’t used it much since I’ve been home, it was endlessly useful while I was traveling.
a) Confront. Anything, really.
b) See the doctor (which has made these last several months so much fun… I’ve had more doctor’s appointments in the last 5 months than in the last oh… 3 years, this is crazy).
c) Clean. This is a problem when you’re messy like me.
d) Wake up. It’s not like I want to be asleep all the time, it’s just that the act of waking up is usually unpleasant.
e) Be touched by people I don’t like. I hate that so much.
It seems that being inspired to write a blog post by the Sunday morning sermon is going around!
I didn’t take detailed notes, like Just Me did, though… but there was one particular thing that my pastor said this morning that resonated with me (well, there were a few things, but one that made me think about writing this blog post) during his sermon on “Seeking the will of God”. He showed this little artsy video clip of this guy trying to figure things out, and the guy says at one point “Truth be told, I’m terrified of making the wrong decision,” and I thought “that’s me!” Absolutely terrified.
Let me tell you a little story… when I was in teacher’s college I had two separate teaching placements that put me in two very different classrooms being mentored by two very different teachers. The first teacher was a man I’ll call John who was, to put it mildly, a control enthusiast. He would stand in the room, while I taught, with his arms folded, and should I vary slightly from the ‘approved teaching procedure’ he had agreed to or laid out, he would jump in and set me back on track. If the children got a little restless while I was teaching he would very loudly get them focused again (it scared me as much as it did them)… and if ever the children seemed to not entirely understand what it was I was saying, he would completely take over and I would observe him, whilst taking notes, to see what he did differently. It was very stressful, but I totally felt safe when I was teaching with him there (well, except when he was yelling – he was very loud). I knew I couldn’t go wrong, because he would correct me. He would always direct to do things the way he thought was best.
The second placement I had was with a woman I’ll call Cindy. I don’t think it would have been possible for her to have been more different from John if she’d tried. She was even more laid back as a teacher than I know I’m naturally inclined to be, which came as a shock, especially after John. And she immediately put me in front of the kids, without so much as a 5 minute briefing on how or what she thought I should teach. And when I was teaching, she was almost always doing something else – cleaning the cupboards, departmental paperwork, preparing art projects… anything. And it worked out fine, until one day I went to teach a unit on counting money (it was a grade 2 class). I had prepared a lesson, I had the kids sitting in a circle, and I started to teach. It was a disaster. Within 5 minutes it was obvious that the kids were not able to follow me at all, and when kids can’t follow the teacher, they are easily distracted. I sat there (and stood and jumped and waved and did everything I could think of to get the kids to focus on me, even though they really didn’t understand the lesson I was teaching), trying so hard and knowing I was failing and wondering why Cindy wasn’t helping me. She was in the room, she was sitting at her desk. I could see her, going through some papers, and there was no way she could not know what was going on a mere 5 feet away from her. The math period ended, I got the kids dressed and outside for recess and then turned to Cindy, not sure what to say. Before I could think of anything, she looked up from her papers and very calmly said, “Well, that didn’t go too well, did it?”
I was angry. I admit it. She knew, she had sat there and watched me fail, and now she was mocking me. But before I could reply (which is probably a good thing) she said “So… you’ll fix it tomorrow,” and went back to her paperwork.
I stared at the top of her head for a few seconds, and then turned and started tidying up the mess my math lesson had made, kind of in a daze. And I did it. I went home, prepared a completely new lesson, came in the next day and taught it… and it worked. The kids got it, they were engaged, it was fun, and I felt wonderful… and once again, I got the kids dressed and outside for recess. As the last child was leaving, Cindy came up behind me and said, “Every teacher has bad days and bad lessons. Most mistakes are reversible. You did a great job today.” I stood there, and let that wash over me. And honestly, of all the things I learned in university (both my undergrad and in teachers college) that lesson has stuck with me the most.
Of course, I tend to mainly apply it to teaching, not to my general life. In my personal life, I tend to get stuck when making decisions. Something I’ve often said about myself is that I’m “very good at doing what I’m told”, and it’s true (although, I’ve learned recently that I am not good at taking direction if I either don’t respect the person I’m taking direction from or if the directions they’re giving me are stupid). I’m very good at doing what I’m told. I’m not so good at figuring out what I should be doing if no one is telling me what to do. I often get stuck in a decision and end up frozen, unable to do anything at all, because I don’t want to make a mistake. And, if I’m honest, I kind of think this is what has happened with the whole gay Side A/Side B thing. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know which is right. And I don’t want to make a mistake. I want God to speak up (even if He has to speak loudly and scare me) like my first mentor teacher and just give me the answer.
A movie I saw recently that really spoke to me was an indy-arthouse flick called Julie Johnson.
Now the preview kind of makes it look like it’s all about being gay, but it isn’t. It’s about a woman who figures out pretty late in life that she’s made a lot of wrong choices (and yes, the gay part does come in there, but it’s not as all encompassing as the prevew makes it seem), and when she turns around and starts making new choices how her life opens up. Oh man, the yearning I felt as I watched this movie, this woman who honestly isn’t much older than me, finally coming into her own… it kind of hurt, but in a very good way. It made me feel hope. And it made me think that I need to do something, need to take a step, any step… just get moving. Maybe I’ll make a mistake. Maybe that isn’t the worst thing in the world.
I’m still scared though.
So in my last post, I wrote about why I’m happy when celebrities come out… how nothing changes a homophobe’s mind like actually knowing a real, flesh and blood homosexual.
Well, while stumbling around one of my favourite websites, I found some proof of that. A republican politician (who isn’t involved in a gay sex scandal… how refreshing!) has reversed his stance on gay marriage, despite the fact that 62% of his constituents will oppose him. What prompted this? Well, among other things, it appears that knowing gay people personally (among them, his daughter) forced him to realize that he could not support the ‘separate but equal’ stance behind the civil union option, and that he could no longer tell his gay friends and family “that their relationships — their very lives — were any less meaningful than the marriage that I share with my wife Rana."
You can watch the video of his speech here, it is quite moving, and not just a little bit inspirational.
Two posts in two days! Insanity!
So, yesterday I was doing some cleaning, when I had a sudden realization, accompanied by a girlish squeal – Ellen’s back on TV. I missed her all last year because her show doesn’t air in Korea – which seems like it would be obvious, but they got The View, and Oprah… they should have Ellen! And I swear, it’s not the lesbian factor that makes me like her, I just think she’s hilarious and her show is awesome. (Funnily enough, the last daytime show that caused that sort of reaction from me was back when Rosie had her show… two lesbians, two fabulous daytime talk shows… hmmm… maybe that will be the new lesbian stereotype? Our equivalent of gay men and Broadway?)
Anyway, she had Hillary Clinton on for her first show back. Hillary has been on Ellen before, so honestly, I expected more of the same… funny, personable, not really political – you know; light, fluffy daytime talk show stuff. So imagine my surprise when Ellen just up and asked her about her stance on gay marriage.
First of all, it was very interesting to watch Hillary completely not answer the question Ellen asked, although, to be fair to her, with the political climate being the way it is in the US, I don’t think it is possible for anyone to come out for gay marriage and get elected, so I think she’s doing the best she can.
But it also got me thinking about a couple of other things. The first off being about celebrities coming out. I am totally of the opinion that a person should have the right to come out on their own terms, famous or not… so these fishing expeditions to out people against their will that are championed by people like that Perez guy bother me. A lot. (Incidentally, I should say that this opinion of mine is slightly different when it comes to people in positions of real power – as opposed to the false power of celebrities – politicians and the like, especially those who are so vocal about their hatred of gays… somehow it doesn’t bother me so much when their hypocrisy is exposed.) But watching that clip made me realize why I’m always so happy when a celebrity does come out. Every single time it happens, we become more human.
I remember this one time I somehow found myself in the middle of an intense discussion on the issue of gay marriage (before it was legalized here in Canada) with some ladies from my church. One of the ladies in the discussion knew I was gay, the others didn’t… I would have actually probably come out, except for one participant in that discussion who I fear may have run from the table in horror – perhaps that’s an exaggeration, but she almost certainly would have reacted negatively, and been horrified to think that she’d actually left her children alone with me on a few occasions. It was actually a pretty good discussion, with the exception of this one particular woman, nothing that was said was offensive or insulting… it was just some people trying to wrestle this issue out. The one thing that did bother me, though, was how clinical it was… they discussed this topic as if it actually didn’t pertain to real people. Just statistics, numbers, political viewpoints. It was just so impersonal. I kept trying to bring it down to people, mentioning the few gay couples I know, one of which I seriously keep expecting to get married soon (honestly, every time my friend calls me I get a little excited, hoping that maybe this time it’s “the call”). They would nod, and for a few moments the issue would be real to them, but then that moment would fade and gay people would go back to being the anonymous “other”.
Watching Ellen bring the issue home to herself, mentioning not just an anonymous girlfriend, but mentioning her by name, how it was important to her that the person she loves be protected under the law… I sat in my living room, wondering how many people at home who love Ellen, and have come to terms with the fact that she’s gay but try not to think about it too much, were suddenly seeing this issue as it pertains to an actual human being that they care about for the first time. Oh, I don’t thing she changed a whole lot of minds in that 3 minutes, but she may have made people realize that this whole fight is not about “attacking the institution of marriage” like the religious right insists it is.
Weird as this may be to say, I was proud of Ellen.
The other thing she got me thinking about was brought up just at the end. I’ve talked about it a little, but in the wake of yet another Republican gay sex scandal (seriously, what on earth is going on over there on the Right? Are they putting something in their drinking water?), I thought what she had to say about shame was really insightful.
And once again, it made me think about all of those celebrities who are rumoured to be friends of the family. They are totally within their rights to stay as closeted as they want, and until they come out themselves, well, it’s all just speculation and should be seen as such. But… I admit, I’ll be happy if and when they do come out, because as weird as it is to think about, their lives do effect me. Nothing tempers homophobia like knowing someone who is gay, and while few of us actually know any of these people, in our bizarre culture of celebrity, we all sort of do.
I came out for the last time when I was 25. I say for the last time, because I’d come out a few times before that, only to dive right back into the closet a short time later – usually deeper in than I was before. (I’m actually fairly sure that the rather major and scary depression I hit in my university years was due to one of these returning to the closet events.) I was in Ireland when I came out, far away from anyone who knew me (well, anyone who knew me before I went there), far away from anything familiar, and it still took me 9 months of squirming and wiggling my way out before I finally declared it – loud and proud – to myself, at least. I was gay, and there was no denying it anymore.
As I’ve discussed, there was a lot of relief that came with that declaration. I’ve described it to people this way – it’s like I spent my entire life up to that point swimming against the current, expending a lot of effort, but not really getting anywhere… and suddenly, I turned around and was swimming with the water. I could move, I could look around, I could enjoy what was going on; and all I could think was “Why the hell have I been swimming that way all this time?”
Of course, there was fear involved too. The obvious ones being “What are people going to think?”, or “Who will reject me?”. I’ve sort of gotten over those ones… well, except for my family, but family is always a different issue (which is why I’m so impressed by what Just Me is doing… that girl has some serious courage. I was going to say she’s “got balls”, but I always find that a rather infuriating expression, even though I’m tempted to use it. Seriously, what do testicles have to do with courage? Anyway, moving on…)
When I returned to Canada, newly out and newly proud (well… sort of proud, and sort of out), one of the first things I did was print off a lyric from an old hymn and tape it up right by the entrance to my apartment. The hymn was “O Sacred Head” and the lyric was “Lord let me never, ever outlive my love to Thee.” You see, that was my biggest fear… that coming out, acknowledging that I was gay would somehow lead to me leaving my faith. I actually prayed that prayer on numerous occasions. I don’t know when I stopped.
I’ve since moved apartments and been to Korea and back. My mom was here recently and she was going through some boxes I’d pulled up out of storage and she found that piece of paper and laid it out on my dresser. It was a rather obvious move on her part, she’s quite afraid I’m not a believer anymore (she actually asked me in the car if I “still believe that Jesus is the way to heaven”). Obvious as that move was, seeing that paper made me think, and wonder when I stopped praying that prayer, as morbid a prayer as it is. Oh, I still Believe, as anyone who reads this blog would know… but more and more (and I’m almost afraid to let this out into the ether, for fear of all of those who might find this to be a good thing, or even a joyful thing) I find myself thinking how much easier it would be if I didn’t, and wondering if it would be possible to convince myself that I don’t.
Yesterday when I was wandering around the internets, I found myself on Quasifictional reading this series of posts (I, II, III, IV, V, VI) describing how she feels having left her faith, and it broke my heart and scared me at the same time. It happens. Just as people can become Christians, they can become non-Christians too (I’m not sure how a Calvinist would see that, though), and it can just happen… I mean, it’s not something I can see doing intentionally. I can’t make myself not believe something any more than I can make myself believe something. I either believe or I don’t… and I do. But maybe one day I won’t. And that thought hurts me.
My 100th post! Wow.
Actually, it’s not my 100th post at all, I made a mistake a while back and labeled two posts with the same number, but I didn’t catch it until a long time later, and it would have screwed up some linking issues to fix it, so I just left it. Hope you don’t feel cheated.
So, guess who I’m babysitting for tomorrow night? The happily married lesbian couple whose house I stayed in for two nights. I’m finally going to meet them! I won’t get to meet their daughter, she’ll be asleep (super easy babysitting gig, I must say)… but I’m excited to meet these ladies. Although I’m preparing myself for the fact that it will no doubt be a very brief meeting. I mean, they don’t even have to show me where things are around the house… I’ve already stayed there for a couple of days and met their freaky cats (yes, they are lesbians and they have cats… no real surprises there). Still, I am excited.
Other than that, my life is sort of void of blog relevant news… well, not void exactly, just not full of anything interesting to share. Oooh, I did come out to another lady from my church. I sort of have forgotten how to censor myself in recent years (except around my mother, but then that’s a lifelong habit), but normally I’m around people who know or who I know won’t care. This was a lady I could best call an acquaintance, and I just said something that I didn’t realize sounded odd until she asked for clarification. I had a moment where I tried to decide what to say and how to get out of it, but then I just thought “ah, screw it”, and just told her. We talked about it a little bit and that was that. I’m realizing how not comfortable I am with the lie anymore… not that I lie, but letting people believe something that I know isn’t true is starting to feel wrong. (Again, except for my mother… but that’s not for wont of having told her… I’ve told her more than once… I’m not going through that again.)
Speaking of my mother, I just remembered a little anecdote from when she came to visit me a few weeks ago. We didn’t go to my church either weekend that she was here because she’s decided she doesn’t like my church. One of the Sundays we went to this church that she had heard about – a church more in keeping with her tastes and style of worship (ie: charismatic). Before the sermon, they had the announcements and this woman spoke a little about the upcoming provincial elections (for those Americans among you, that would be the equivalent of a state level election), and how important it was for Christians to vote in this election because “a lot of the issues that matter to us are decided at a provincial level… like education and what our children are being taught about sodomy.”
I sort of jumped in my seat and looked around to see everyone nodding solemnly. I admit I missed a portion of the sermon (which was of a sort that no longer really resonates with me anymore anyway… you know, lots of bells and whistles) because I was so angry. That was a rather loaded choice of words, and no one seemed to catch it… who wants to teach children about sodomy? The gayest gay activist on the gayest street in the gayest city doesn’t advocate teaching children about sodomy, and it’s using language like that that fuels the homophobic violence (like what happened to Christine’s friend). What is wrong with people?
Anyway, other than that, I don’t have much to say… so, in order to amuse myself I’ve started a new blog where I write about completely frivolous things. Check it out if you like. Oh, and I found out what I would look like if I were a character on The Simpsons. Enjoy.
