Friday, December 23, 2005


I thought I should blog at least once before Christmas.  Life has gotten a bit hectic recently, what with packing up my home, and packing for Korea, and Christmas shopping… and today I leave for Toronto to celebrate Christmas with my mom.  Always a good time (note: that was sarcasm).  As always, I am hoping for a peaceful and conflict-free holiday, but not banking on it.  Mom and I have been at each other’s throats for a while now (she is wanting me to promise to come back from Korea in 6 months for some rather unnecessary medical tests, and I am refusing to make such a promise because I believe it is ridiculous…), and so I really can’t see how she would not take advantage of my proximity to try and sway me to her side.

Anyway, enough about the unpleasantness… Christmas is such a wonderful time; I do love it (aside from family drama).  A time to remember that God became one of us.  It is really overwhelming when you think about it.  Which I inevitably do at some point over the Christmas holidays… I will suddenly realize what it is that we are celebrating and feel awestruck.  God Himself became flesh and dwelt among us… but more than that, He came as a helpless baby.  I can’t really wrap my head around it.   We hear it so often that for the most part we don’t pay attention, it’s a story we are so familiar with.  But it truly is amazing.  The incarnation… when I think about it, I am just so glad to be a Christian.  So happy to worship a God who would do such a thing.  

Well, that’s all I have to say.  I will try and blog at least once before I take off for Korea.  May your holidays be wonderful, and stress-free, and may Christ be real for you, may His presence overwhelm you, may you know His love for you this Christmas.  


Friday, December 16, 2005

49. Tidbits From my Life

Well, I ended up on the fake radio again (December 16, 2005 episode)… those guys are going to give me a swelled head!

I also saw King Kong, and (mild spoiler alert!) I just have one question… how come, at the end of 2005, I can still go to an action movie and know that the black guy is going to die?  What is up with that?  Seriously, the minute I saw the black guy I thought “Dude, run!  You’re the only black guy, you’re doomed!”  

I enjoyed the movie though, it’s fun… and I admit to being fascinated by special effects.  I did have to shut my eyes during the bug part, but other than that I totally enjoyed it.  It didn’t make me cry like the original did though, but I saw the original as a very young girl so things might be different now. (“Mommy, why are they shooting at the big monkey?  It’s not his fault… he’s just a monkey, he doesn’t know… Mommy, is the monkey going to die?  Mommy?  Mommy!?!?!?”)

In other news, I finally signed some contracts and am off to Korea soon… as soon as 3 weeks… which means I have a lot to do, and I have not started at all.  Well, that’s not true.  I’ve put ads up to sublet my place (hey, if any of you know someone who wants a 2 bedroom, fully furnished condo in Ottawa for $1000/month including utilities, drop me a line!), but I haven’t started packing or anything.  I really need to get on that.  Like, right now actually.  But I’m writing a blog entry so it will have to wait.  

Uh… actually, I have no other news… so I guess I have to get to work.  Damn.

Monday, December 12, 2005

48. The Sweetest Thing

We evangelicals have a tendency to read the Bible as a sort of text book or study guide – a divinely inspired, infallible, authoritative text book, but nonetheless, as a text book.  We read it chapter by chapter, verse by verse… or sometimes we use the subheadings that some of the publishers put in for us.  

Now, don’t get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with this.  I think having a method and format for studying the Scriptures is important.  And everything in the Bible is good for teaching, so I don’t think there is anything wrong with reading it and analyzing it verse by verse… some amazing revelations can come by doing that. (Of course, some scary things can come of that too.)  But every once and a while I like to try and read it a bit differently.  You know, I’ll take one of the epistles of Paul and read it as a letter, the way it would have been originally read.  I’ll pick one, like 1 Corinthians, and read it all the way through, in one sitting, the way people actually read letters, and try and understand what the Corinthians would have originally taken out of it.  (By the way, when I did that, the conclusion I came to is that Paul was very upset with the Corinthians.)

Another thing I’ve done in that vein is read the Gospels as narratives.  I think I did this on the recommendation of one of my pastors.  The first thing I remember noticing is that the Gospel writers were obviously a little upset with Judas Iscariot.  That probably sounds like a kind of stupid thing to notice, but it seemed that they couldn’t mention his name without explaining that he eventually betrayed Christ, even if it had nothing to do with the event they were discussing at the moment.  

There were a couple of other things that I noticed when reading through the Gospels this way, but there was one story, at the end of John that stood out to me the most.  I had read it many times before, but for some reason it stood out to me this time.

John 20:10-18

“Then the disciples went back to their homes, but Mary stood outside the tomb crying.

As she wept, she bent over to look into the tomb and saw two angels in white, seated where Jesus' body had been, one at the head and the other at the foot.

 They asked her, "Woman, why are you crying?"

"They have taken my Lord away," she said, "and I don't know where they have put him."

At this, she turned around and saw Jesus standing there, but she did not realize that it was Jesus.

"Woman," he said, "why are you crying? Who is it you are looking for?"

Thinking he was the gardener, she said, "Sir, if you have carried him away, tell me where you have put him, and I will get him."

Jesus said to her, "Mary."

 She turned toward him and cried out in Aramaic, "Rabboni!" (which means Teacher).

Jesus said, "Do not hold on to me, for I have not yet returned to the Father. Go instead to my brothers and tell them, 'I am returning to my Father and your Father, to my God and your God.’”

Mary Magdalene went to the disciples with the news: "I have seen the Lord!" And she told them that he had said these things to her.”

This, to me, is one of the sweetest stories in the entire Bible.  The disciples go to the tomb, and Jesus’ body is gone, so they go home… but Mary is so heartbroken, she can’t leave.   Angels appear to her, but she doesn’t care.  She only cares that Jesus is gone.  

Jesus, of course, was in the middle of the most important work in the history of mankind.  Human history pivots on this point.  Because of the resurrection, we can be saved… redeemed.  He conquered death.  He made a way for us to go to heaven.  

In short, Jesus was busy.

But Mary was grieving, and Jesus, in the middle of the incomprehensively important work he was doing not only took notice of her grief, but stopped what He was doing to  come and see her, to comfort her.  It’s not like He couldn’t have come and seen her after He was done, after He had returned to the Father, but He could see how she needed Him right then, and so He came.  This says so much to me about who Jesus is, His heart, His love for us.

This has nothing to do with what is generally the theme of this blog, but my pastor mentioned this story in passing yesterday, and I have been thinking about it ever since.  Thought I’d share a bit.

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

47. A Snippet From This Morning

I know I said I wouldn't be posting, but I just wanted to transcribe a little bit of the conversation between me and one of the counselors this morning.

Counselor: "So, just to be clear. You are at a point where you believe homosexuality is okay..."

Me: "Yes"

Counselor: "You believe that it is okay to have homosexual sex?"

Me: "Not necessarily"

Counselor: "I don't get it..."

Me: "There is a difference between orientation and behavior."

Counselor: "Ummmm..."

Me: "I have never done anything with a woman, I have not even come close."

Counselor: "But if you met a woman you would."

Me: "No... not necessarily"

Counselor: "I don't get it..."

Me: "It's the same as for heterosexuals... if you believe in waiting until marriage, just because you meet someone you like doesn't mean you can have sex with them."

Counselor: "....Oh... so... if you met a woman and fell in love with her and got married, then you would have sex..."

Me: "No... not necessarily. I don't necessarily believe that gay marriage is okay for Christians."

Counselor: "I don't get it."

Me: "There's a difference between orientation and behavior... just because I want something doesn't mean I can have it."

Counselor: "I don't get it..."

Okay, what? What doesn't she get?

Apparantly we are going to pray through issues of "sexual imprinting" that happened when the girls abused me when I was younger... cause that's why I'm gay... You know, I was afraid that the gay thing would derail this whole process, and it seems like that is going to happen.

But... again, God... I submit this to You. Your will be done, Your kingdom come in my life.

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

46. Korea Calling

So, I’m leaving today for my 3 day intensive counseling session.  (I know I called it a counseling week before, but well, it’s just 3 days… they are condensing it for me.)  I’m trying to keep an open mind about the whole thing… I know that I do have issues to deal with (as I imagine we all do), and so I know that it is possible that this week could turn out to be quite productive.  I pray that God is present and His will is done, not my mom’s… not mine… but His.  

In other news, I spent most of last night on the phone to Korea.  I am going to be teaching English there next year at some point, and last night I had several phone interviews.  I have to say that while I’m not exactly used to the format, having job interviews over the phone is awesome… I was wearing my pajamas!  And besides, I give good phone.  During my stint as a telemarketer, I was proposed to a few times, and offered several jobs by business men looking for secretaries because apparently I sound really good on the phone.  I don’t know that I agree (you can listen to me on the fake radio – November 25th and December 2nd shows – and decide for yourself), because to me, my voice sounds weird on the phone, but… well, other people seem to think I sound really good.  

Anyway, it’s all happening really fast.  There was nothing for a while, and then suddenly a flood of offers and interviews.  I could be there as early as the first week of January, which doesn’t leave me much time to find someone to rent my place while I’m gone, but I’m going to trust God on that one.  I’m quite excited about it.  I have been stationery for far too long.

The other night at church, I was talking about going to Korea and one of my friends insisted that I was going to Korea to get away from my mother.  While I don’t deny that that is part of the appeal (as it was part of the appeal in going to Ireland… and Belize… and moving to Ottawa in the first place), it is not the reason.  The reason I’m going?  Well, I talked about it a little bit in this post, and then again in this post, and most recently in this post.  My life feels kind of drab, and I want to fill it with things that aren’t drab.  And conveniently, teaching in Korea pays well… which is rather necessary as I now have a mortgage to pay off (oh the trials of being a grown up!).  Not to mention that the feeling of being alone is much easier to take when you actually are alone, rather than surrounded by people you love and who love you.  Feeling isolated in a group of your friends sucks, and that’s how I feel… even from those friends who know my deep, dark secret.  It’s understandable, they all have their own lives to contend with… I can’t reasonably expect any of them to be wrestling this issue out with the same passion I am.  But it’s so frustrating… they all (with one exception) have their husbands (or wives, girlfriends, boyfriends…) that they can debrief with at the end of the day; someone for whom they are a priority, someone who cares deeply what’s going on in their heads, what is affecting their emotions, what issues are troubling them.  And it’s not that my friends don’t care… or even care deeply, it’s just that it’s not their issue in the way that it would be with someone I was partnered with.  (And don’t read into that that I want to be ‘partnered’ with any of my friends, because wonderful as they all are, I really don’t.)  I’m alone… or at least I feel alone.  And I can handle that better when I actually am alone.  

And besides, traveling is awesome.  I love going to new places and living in and absorbing new cultures… meeting new people.  It really is a joy to me.  And then I can say that I’ve lived and worked on 3 continents… after I’ve paid off my mortgage I think I will head to Africa and teach there for a while.  They just don’t pay enough for me to go there right now, which is kind of a shame.  

Anyway, I will be incommunicado for a bit… I think I will have internet access, but I doubt I’ll be posting until I get back on Saturday… or shortly thereafter, I may need some time to unwind.

Sunday, December 04, 2005

45. Haze

I have no real excuse.  My brain has just been foggy lately… well, all of November.  I can’t think about anything really for very long.  Hopefully I will come out of this haze soon.

I made it on the fake radio again… the December 2nd, 2005 show.  

I should also tell you that I will be absent for a little while longer.  My mom has “encouraged” (read “bullied) me to go to a counseling week at her church.  She has decided that all of our relationship problems are actually my problems and if I deal with my issues, she can continue to behave in the same way.  It’s a little maddening.  But I’m going.  I’m sure it will be interesting.  I decided to be honest when filling out the forms, something which I’m regretting now.  I know that they will try and pray the gay away… which, honestly, if it was going to work, I think it would have worked by now.  But, well, I’m hoping that the week won’t be an entire bust.  I do believe that God can use anything… he used a donkey for crying out loud.  I do think that this week could turn out to be productive.  At the very least, I might get a semi-coherent blog entry out of it.