40. Rescue Heroes

A few years ago there was this book that was making the rounds in Christian circles that I kept hearing about – Wild at Heart: Discovering the Secrets of a Man’s Soul.  There’s a companion book for women, but… well, no one I know read that one.  Anyway, I was at a church retreat when one of the girls who was there brought this book up.  I should point out that she was not happy with it, I don’t know if she had read the entire book, but she had read the blurb on the back and it had made her angry to think that all these Christian men were reading this book.  She summarized the back of the book for us, but due to the magic of the internet, I can quote it directly.  

“…every little boy has dreams, big dreams, dreams of being the hero, of beating the bad guys, of doing daring feats and rescuing the damsel in distress.  Every little girl has dreams too; of being rescued by her prince and swept into a great adventure; knowing that she is the beauty.”

I remember sitting there thinking, “Really?  Do most girls feel like that?”  I think (but I can’t be sure) that this was before I had come out to any of my Christian friends, because I remember being frustrated that I couldn’t question them on this, because I was wondering if the reason I was different from what this book described was that I was gay.  Now, like I said, the girl who brought this book up at the retreat obviously disagreed with the generalities that this book spoke in, so I know I’m not the only female who does not conform… but I don’t only not conform, I’m opposite.  I have never dreamed or fantasized about being rescued by a handsome prince (or even a beautiful princess).  I fantasize about being the hero… and always have for as far back as I can remember.  In grade one I remember all the kids in my class wanted to play Star Wars, which was totally cool by me.  But they made all the girls be Princess Leia, and basically just stand by the fence while the boys got to fight each other to rescue us.  I hated it.  It was boring, I wanted to be fighting to rescue her… and not because I wanted to rescue a princess, just because I wanted to be the hero.  Growing up, one of my favourite things about Christmas was the rolls of wrapping paper – they were my light sabers, I used to fight Darth Vader and the Emperor in my room by myself because no one I played with would let me be the hero.  Another recurring fantasy I remember, going well into my early teens (yes, I know… a bit juvenile) was that I was Superman’s daughter and had inherited some of his powers and I would fly around fighting injustice.  I can also tell you that most of my molars were kicked out by bullies in grade 2 and 3.  I would see them picking on a little kid, or a kid who was different in some way, and I would go after them, insisting that they change their evil ways or face my wrath (such as it was).  I was actually never successful, not even once that I can remember.  They would just laugh and hit me, or punch me, or (most painfully) kick me in the face.  I have many memories of going inside during recess with a bloody mouth and holding one of my teeth in my hands… I would always tell the teacher on duty that I fell.  No matter how many times they knocked me down I kept coming back, I so desperately wanted to be the hero, to fight for those who couldn’t fight for themselves.  And it had absolutely nothing to do with the gender of the person I “rescued”; it was just that the role I wanted to fill was that of the hero.  

It still is.  When I come out of an action movie, or a superhero movie, my mind goes off on these wild adventures where I rescue the oppressed from their evil overlords.  Is this a ‘gay’ thing?  I read somewhere on one of those exgay sites that gay men would know that they were ‘cured’ when their desire to be protected turned into a desire to protect.  I wonder if the literature is merely the inverse for gay women, do they say that gay women will be cured when they achieve a desire to be protected?  And is this legitimate?  Not that gay women can be cured, because…well, you know where I stand on that, but is that a natural heterosexual distinction?  Men want to protect, women want to be rescued… is that part of what it means to be straight?  Or is this just part of the ingrained sexism in our culture?