35. Boston Marriage

I had never heard the term “Boston Marriage” until CK mentioned it in one of her comments.  So, of course, being the internet nerd that I am, I looked it up.  I found a few websites, but this one was probably the most succinct, defining it basically as 19th century romantic friendships between women that involved cohabitation, but may or may not have included sex.  The thinking (at least from what I’ve read) is that while some of these Boston Marriages probably were sexual relationships, the evidence seems to suggest that most of them were not.  

The first bit of reading I ever did on the topic of homosexuality and Christianity, many years ago, was a chapter in Tony Campolo’s book 20 Hot Potatoes Christians are Afraid to Touch, and in that chapter he mentions something that sounds very similar to a Boston Marriage – two people (men, in the examples he uses) who commit to each other (officially and publicly), live together,  but also commit to remain sexually celibate.  I remember when I read this, I got so excited.  I recognized the inherent problem – simply put, that it might be difficult to remain celibate in that situation – but still, it gave me the first glimmer of hope I had felt in a long time.  Hope that maybe I could have a relationship, that I could love and be loved, and still not cross ‘the line’ (whatever that line may be).  Hope that I might not have to be miserable for the rest of my life.

When I wrote the post “The Line”, I have to admit that while it was mostly motivated by simple curiosity, part of it was that after all the reading I’ve done, that ‘celibate marriage’ idea (or Boston Marriage, I guess) is still the only thing I’ve ever read that gave me that feeling of hope.  I read all the Side A arguments, and they make so much sense, and I love things that make sense… but on a deeper level, one that does not involve my brain I suppose, I’m just not convinced.  I should point out that when I read the Side B arguments I’m not convinced either, and the level of not being convinced there usually does involve my brain… but that’s just it.  I’m not convinced of anything.  And it’s kind of hard to move when I’m stuck in the middle like this.  The Boston Marriage idea is an idea that can exist in the middle (although, I suppose, at its core, it is Side B).  Boo did say that it’s not likely that anything any one person will write or say will convince me, and she’s right, it will take something more than that.  (I’m still going to read, because… well, I like reading, and… I like things that make sense.)  But I’m not sure if (or when) that ‘something more’ will come.

So, to continue the question I asked in “The Line”, if sex was not part of the equation (and assuming a “Side B” stance), would something like a “Boston Marriage” be a sin?  And let’s not assume that it would be ‘impossible’ to resist the temptation because that is simply not always going to be the case.  Not to equate being gay with alcoholism, but some recovering alcoholics avoid all circumstances where alcohol will be involved because they are unable to resist, whereas others are able to hang out in bars, drinking seltzers or soda with no problem.  People are different.  Not all people are strong in the same area, and not all people are weak in the same area.    So, here I go again, with fear and trepidation, asking a question and opening the floor to all of you.  You guys kind of scared me last time… but I’m doing it again.  I’m very brave.  Or stupid.  Take your pick.