Tuesday, January 26, 2010

145. Oh, for a time machine!

AAARRRGGGHHH!

Okay, so I now want to go back in time and stop myself from ever having come out to my dad. And I’m sorry to anyone reading this because this blog has (for now) turned into the place I go to to vent about the aftermath. I’m writing this in the few minutes I have before work, and it is mostly venting so beware… rambling, incoherent post ahead…

First things first, I spoke to my dad the other night to once again ask him to stop discussing things with my mom because it is causing me problems, and he basically said no. He told me he’s trying to help me by forcing my mom to face the issue and ‘accept the possibility that this will not change’. Which is something I could actually understand and appreciate if the fallout for that in any way fell on him. Which, to be fair, it sort of is, but of course, most of it is landing directly on my head. I still think he has more of a problem with my being gay than he’s willing to admit to me, but I do think he thinks he’s helping. And maybe in the long run he is but for right now it’s hell.

Last week, on Thursday night my mom called me to tell me about a Christian retreat weekend that was happening in Northern Ontario that… well, basically ‘featured’ the ‘breaker annointing’. I have to say that the way she talks about spiritual things just sounds kind of insane to me sometimes. Like they’d booked a specific manifestation of the Holy Spirit which will be coming on Saturday morning between 10 and 12 or something. It’s all so… limiting. Anyway, I didn’t go, honestly not because of wanting to avoid going because we all know I’ll go to one of these things eventually, just to shut her up but because it was such short notice all it did was make me feel stressed about losing my weekend. Well, this morning she called me to give me notice about how last weekend was so good that they are doing it again this weekend. The thing is, this weekend is completely full for me… actually, this whole week. I’m tutoring tonight (Tuesday) and Thursday night, going to someone’s house for dinner on Wednesday night, Friday night is an Ani Difranco concert in Montreal, Saturday night I’ve got plans with a friend and then I’m babysitting, Sunday afternoon I’m getting together with an old pastor of mine and Sunday night I’ve got my book club. I’m full. So I can’t go. Well, first of all she doesn’t believe me that I’m going to Montreal by myself… I’m not even sure she believes I’m going. She thinks I’m avoiding her because I’m ‘hanging out with all my gay friends’… which is kind if sadly hilarious because I don’t really have any gay friends in Ottawa… I know 2 gay guys here, but I haven’t seen them for ages! I should really give them a call, actually, they are really nice guys! She tells me that she has been talking to my dad (a lot) and he is “really concerned” that I’m “running headlong into something” that I don’t understand… which again, is kind of hilarious to anyone who has been regularly reading this blog or knows me… I have been insanely slow and plodding with how I have been thinking about living out my life as a gay Christian. She wants me to go to this weekend because “there were women there who were delivered of things similar to what you suffer with” (“suffer with????” I don’t have a disease!). Which is revealing because last week she told me that it she wasn’t asking me to go to deal with the gay thing, but to deal with issues of shame and rejection that she thinks I have (and I probably do have to some degree, if I’m honest), but of course, that’s not what she really wanted.

I called dad right after I hung up with her to ask him point blank if he has a problem with my being gay because my mom keeps using him in her conversations with me to bolster her arguments and he told me that he doesn’t, that he never tells my mom that he ‘doesn’t like this about me’, but he’s not an expert and is still trying to process this, which I do have to give him leeway to do, of course, but I wish he wouldn’t do it with my mom because she uses everything he says against me. He did tell her that it would be a good idea for me to go to this weekend if only to somehow reinforce my beliefs on this issue, which is again, something I can understand him saying, but is irritating because I have been dealing with this for most of my life and at this point don’t feel the need to go and have some people attempt to ‘deliver’ me of my homosexuality in order to prove to myself that I’m really gay. And of course, my mom didn’t mention his reasoning, just that he wanted me to go.

She still doesn’t believe that I’m going to the concert by myself – now she’s latching onto the fact that I said “I’ve already bought tickets” – plural instead of singular… but isn’t that just how that is said? I don’t know, that’s how I say it… ‘I’ve got tickets to Ani Difranco’… whatever, I don’t care what she believes at this point, which I told her and made her angry once again.

I tried to convey to my dad that if he is trying to help then he needs to be careful what he says to my mom, but I don’t know that that is going to be possible, because, as he said “she’s bothering me more about this than you, I can guarantee you that…”, which is probably true. She hasn’t been able to talk to her friends about this since she first found out because she’s so ashamed, and dad already knows, plus she believes he shares some of the ‘blame’ so she doesn’t feel so ashamed talking to him about it. Plus she probably wants to prove to him that she is doing all she can, which is why this renewed level of conversation on this issue. So I don’t know how well he will be able to monitor what he says to her in light of how it will help/harm me. And as I know from experience, she will keep talking and talking and talking until you say something that sounds like what she wants to hear and then use that. I so so wish I could undo this. It’s driving me nuts.

24 Comments:

Lifejunction said...

Good to find some others.. A lot to read here. Thanks :)

Aziraphale said...

A lot of talking to do. But it is better than not talking. When I came out my mother did not talk to me for a year and my dad kept telling me what I had for the last 18 years since I was 12 are just passing emotions that I should not settle on. He then felt there was nothing more to discuss but would never accept my partners.

HOTROD said...

Hello,

I recently had a conversation with a woman at work. She has been very influential in my returning to Christ. However, one morning she decided to tell me of her recent dream. [she was in a kitchen and she saw two adorable male puppies. They were so cute and cuddly. But suddenly they started being sexual with each other. She was repulsed. They saw her revulsion and hid under the kitchen table. While hiding in the darkness of the table shielded from their "shame" they began to morph into something unnatural, some kind of serpent. Their heads looked like innocent puppies, but their bodies were that of serpents.

She took this as a metaphor for all homosexuality. Her idea is that we hide in our shame and become serpents. But my boyfriend offered another analogy. He believes she misinterpreted her dream. He thinks it was her judement that forced them into monstrosity.

That what judgement does to us. It forces us into hiding and turns us into monsters. I guess my point is that you should never hide who and what you are...

Debbie said...

I just found your blog tonight and have been reading old posts for hours. I am a Christian and am in a committed, same-sex relationship (really a marriage, but it is not recognized legally). My wife and I came out to family and friends about a year ago and it has been a difficult time. I have not been able to return to church. I still feel very close to Jesus and He is an essential part of my life, but I also wish I had a church community to be a part of. I don't have any close friends who are Christian and gay.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for your honesty and insight throughout the years. Your writing is touching, thought-provoking, and healing. It is so good to hear others who have the same thoughts and experiences that I have had.

I especially liked your posts on Weddings, The Wesleyan Quadrilateral, and Mamma Mia. I had a similar experience with Mamma Mia - the comment was "Why did they have to go and ruin the movie like that?" Except the comment was right before I came out and loaded me with a whole lot of shame. I'm so thankful that Jesus heals and redeems!

Thank you!

Don said...

Hi JJ. Sort of like Debbie, I just came across your blog last night, read a few of the recent ones, bookmarked your site, and have spent a large part of tonight starting at the beginning and reading 10 or 11 of your first entries. I don't know if you've begun to realize it or not, but from the open and honest sharing and discussion that is going on between Christians and non-Christians, gay and straight, I really feel like God is using you in ways that you may never fully realize.

I've made a few (somewhat feeble) attempts over the past couple of years to find ways to locate this type of communication with other gay Christians. (I am a 45-year-old man who is a Christian who also happens to be gay.) With over 140 blog entries on your site, I've got a bit of catching up to do, but I really don't want to miss out on any of the earlier discussions. So my plan is to continue (I'm still in August 2005!), but I'm very excited about it and just find it extremely encouraging, informative, challenging, and edifying. It just makes me smile and sort of laugh to think of what a wonderful God we have that can bring these kinds of things to us just when we need it and when the timing is perfect.

I'm thankful He introduced me to you and that you're sharing your experience in a most honest, open, and genuine way.

kari said...

Debbie's wife here. What a brave and refreshing blog. I can't wait to read up. When will the Church have those healing meetings for homophobia? Maybe one day, right. Your blog is just what we needed now. Mine isn't nearly as helpful, but:
http://theadventuresofkari.blogspot.com/

joancasilo said...

I have gone through this blog. I found it very interesting and helpful. Nowadays I am working from my home and studying in a reputed college.
So this blog really doing great for me.


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Anonymous said...

JJ I've finally got up with all the reading on your blog. Like many I have found it enligtening but I see you have not posted anything new in months! I do hope you're okay.

Sunga said...

I am just wondering if you did what I did when I did a word & topical study on the words like homosexual, sodomy etc from the Bible? (If we hold that this is God's Word,and I do)

What people think of us is very secondary. What God thinks of us is very primary and has a lot of implications...in this life and eternally.

Used to be gay.

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Thank you for your time reading, do not give up the chance to even know, know no loss to you!

Torn said...

Hi, just found this blog tonight. Looks like you havent postedin a while, so I hope all is ok and would love to hear some updates.

The Favorite Things Guy said...

I get so tired of people who say being gay is going to send you send someone straight to hell.

Here's what the Bible (The New Testament) says...

"If you believe Jesus is Christ, then you are an heir of God...Not by works, lest any man should boast."

It doesn't say ANYONE BUT GAY PEOPLE. It includes EVERYONE. That always got me. I don't understand how everything tha has ever mentioned anything about two men or two women is the only sin God doesn't overlook. The Bible doesn't back that lie up, and that's what it is...a lie.

If we base Leviticus 18:22 (about two men who lie together are worthy of death, we'll have to include all the shellfish eaters, gold-wearing women, non-virgins on their wedding night) on whether someone's getting into Heaven, none of us are going. Those sins are always "looked over" by God and will not keep you from going to Heaven...but being gay does and is included in that long list? That's like saying only one of the Ten Commandments is a big sin but God overlooks the others.

I think the ignorance and misunderstanding of others make homosexuality impardonable in God's Eyes--not God Himself. He died so we all can be worthy. (Galatians 6:25).

Toyin O. said...

Merry Christmas:)

Anonymous said...

We are born gay or straight, there is no difference. Only in our society we tend to classify orientations and unfortunately everything else. We have to accept who we are even if we do not know why. Homosexuality is NOT a disease or a curse, simply a variation of a theme; Humanity. Nobody knows why this exists but I am certain that God does not condemn Homosexuals. he comdemns ludeness and amoral behavior. if 2 people are in love then it's all good.

On the topic of coming out, please let me remind you that Heterosexuals do not come out as heterosexuals do they? What im trying to say here is that homosexuals should not either. we should love our partners and live through life as it was meant to be. if your entourage dont like it, give them time to adjust, if they still do not like it then adios, move on. The world is a big and beautiful place meant for us to grow and experience life.

I live by the words I just said and it works fine, of course sometimes there is friction but I have learned to forgive.

Love to all of you !

Kayla said...

I just found your blog and I am starting my own. Let us know how things have progressed. I hope you are able to post again.

Anonymous said...

where are you now?

Chris said...

You are loved. http://jesusjiujitsu.blogspot.com/2011/05/to-christian-homosexual.html

Love said...

Hey there, just found your blog and am looking to connect with more bloggers.

www.ourgaycalling.com

Sending Love and Light!

Anonymous said...

Wow, your parents are exactly like mine in every way, shape and form. From your parents reactions I know coming out would force me into suicidal thoughts, thanks for sharing this, and God blessin every way, shape and form. From your parents reactions I know coming out would force me into suicidal thoughts, thanks for sharing this, and God bless

deveil said...

Your post talked to me today, funny, I wrote about time machine stuff today as well.

Duta said...

Don't give up, guy :)

Luke Larson said...

Thanks for this blog. I just recently found it, and I'm starting to read through everything. As a closeted eighteen-year-old from Conservative Christian County USA, it's really good to see proof that there are others with similar issues. You've earned yourself a follower, I'd wager.

(Sorry about the shameless self-promotion, but I am detailing my thoughts/experiences as a gay Christian in my blog.)

Crystal said...

Romans 1 vs 20-32
Romans 2 vs 1
Lev 18 vs 22-26
Lev 20 vs 13
1st Cor 6 vs 9
1st Tim 9-11
Luke 5 31-32
Luke 6 46-49
I hate what your lifestyle is but I love you because God created you. I use the strong word hate because your lifestyle is not of God. There is no place in the bible where God permits homosexuality. I will not dare try to judge you because it is not my place. I hope I dont sound judging because it is not my intent. Jesus came for all, take advantage of the window he opened. I have been careful to pull from the bible and not use my own words here so that I do not judge. I have put the bible verses and how my spirit feels. From the old to the new testament it is written. I dont want you creatures of God to feel like im judging you and so ill shut up now and let the word speak from the bible. God bless. PS: Your mother was only doing what she thought was right. Its a mothers job. You should be concerned if she did not try to stop you. That just shows how much she loves you. Nice writing by the way