So, I wanted to believe that my sisters were right and that if I asked Dad not to talk to mom about me being gay that he wouldn’t… but if I’m honest, I really didn’t believe it. They may have grown up with Dad and know him better than I do in many ways, but when it comes to my mother, I can pretty much predict what he’s going to do. I’m not exactly sure how much he told her – like if he just told her I had come out to him, or if he told her I had started to date – the former being bad enough as my mom has explicitly told me not to tell people, but the latter… ugh, I don’t want to think about the conversations that that will induce. My dad, of course, just doesn’t get it, having not been here to witness my mom and I’s relationship… I know he’s managed to keep some secrets about my sisters from my stepmother at my sisters’ behest, but that is likely because he knows exactly how crazy she can get, whereas my mother is this distant entity.
Anyway… mom and I spoke last night, mostly about our respective Christmas holidays (she spent hers in Mexico), and at the end she mentioned having spoken to my dad and that he had ‘shared’ with her what I had ‘shared’ with him (the use of the word ‘shared’ both upsets and amuses me… I can’t exactly pinpoint why). She then told me she was up in Northern Ontario on a ‘personal retreat’ in order to pray for her family (which – and I think I’m not being to egocentric here – I think means mostly me), and asked me if I had talked to anyone at my church about this. I told her I had (which she knows from before but had forgotten). She asked me what they think and I told her that they mostly focused on my relationship with God… she then went into this long story about this man that she believes God told her she’s going to marry and how when she first heard this message from God 10 years ago she didn’t like the guy at all, but recently she has found she really likes him so “God is well able to change my feelings”… which I believe, honestly… I believe God could make me sprout wings if He wanted to -- I just don't believe anymore that He wants to. Then there was mention of a story from my childhood that I think I’ve mentioned before (I’d search and hyperlink to it, but I really don’t feel like it) about how I ‘willingly gave up a smurf toy because it was ungodly (my mom believed the smurfs were demonic and so I wasn’t allowed to watch the show, still haven’t seen a full episode – I find it annoying now) and that shows that I’ve always been willing to give things up that weren’t of God (I didn’t feel the need to mention that giving up that smurf toy wasn’t much of a sacrifice because I’d never seen the show and therefore had no attachment to the show)(um… not that I’m not willing to give up things that are not of God, it’s just that that particular story doesn’t have the resonance that my mother thinks it does).
Well, she ended that conversation asking me if I had anything I wanted to say to her, to which I responded “no” and resisted the urge to add “I didn’t want to talk to you about this in the first place.” She told me that I will always be her ‘precious daughter’ and that was that. Relatively painless (I’ve mentioned before, it always goes better when she comes across my gayness by accident than if I initiate a conversation about it. It’s a pretty consistent pattern.) But tonight I had a message on my phone from her saying that she doesn’t want me to think she’s taking this lightly, she knows I’ve been through a lot but we ‘need to talk about this.’ I did call her back, but got no answer, and was very glad of that. Not looking forward to that conversation, I have to say. Really wishing my dad had kept his mouth shut. I know it’s kind of cowardly to not want to face this, but I just don’t want to be dealing with this right now. I had sort of decided I wouldn’t have another conversation about being gay (not that I would lie, if she asked, I planned to be honest, but I just wasn’t going to bring it up) with my mom unless/until I was in a serious relationship. I figured the relationship would give me the courage to stand my ground in any conversation with my mom… or at least, it would help to give me courage. I don’t exactly know how those things work.
In other completely unrelated news, I went to the GCN conference in Nashville… had a fantabulous time… managed to ‘win’ a game of Transamerica (I put that in quotes because I’m pretty sure the game could have officially gone on for a few more rounds, but someone suggested ending it, and I was winning so I heartily agreed.) I hung out with people I love who I don’t get to see nearly enough. I heard inspiring and challenging speakers. I worshiped in a community of Believers…. All in all it was a wonderful time. To all my new and old GCN friends who happen to be reading this, I miss you all!
Thursday, January 14, 2010
Posted by JJ at 11:25 PM