140. To tell, or not to tell...

So, I had a ‘sister-bonding’ day today… it was awesome. At least I think so. I think my youngest sister might have been bored after a while, which I suppose is understandable. I mean, I was delighted with the ‘let’s just sit around and talk for 6 or 7 hours’ plans we had, but she is 17 and so I can understand how she might have gotten a bit bored with the fact that we didn’t ‘do’ anything. And I admit to being rather annoyed by the fact that our one planned activity (we were going to go and see Avatar – which is playing in Bermuda! In 3D!!?!) didn’t end up happening because Dad just didn’t believe me that we’d have to be there early in order to get tickets. By the time we got there, not only was it sold out, people were lined up to buy tickets for tomorrow and later on this week. Oh well. It was a great day for me otherwise.

One thing, of course, did come up… they very much want me to come out to my (our) dad. The older of my younger sisters says it gets hard keeping this secret, which I can understand I guess. She says dad talks about me and blames himself for the fact that I don’t have a boyfriend. He says things like that he wasn’t there to tell me I was beautiful and so I don’t believe a man could love me and that’s why I haven’t had a boyfriend all these years. If I’m completely honest – and why bother with blogging if I’m not going to be honest – there’s a certain level of satisfaction in hearing that. Oh, don’t worry, it’s not like I ‘blame’ him for my being gay, but I am kind of upset about some of the stuff he’s said to me over the years. For the most part, I am very protective of my dad and what people think about him, so I don’t even like to say these sorts of things, because I don’t like the idea of people thinking bad things about him (I don’t know exactly why I’m like that… it doesn’t really make sense given our history), he has been somewhat hurtful over the years. Oh, not intentionally, but he has said things that have stuck with me and hurt a lot… in reference to my appearance mostly. The worst of which was that he was glad I was intelligent because ‘it compensated’. That was a long time ago… 20 years ago or so, and thinking about it still makes my throat get tight… and apparently makes me well up with tears because that’s what just happened as I typed that out.

So, yeah… as much as I don’t like to think that I’m a vindictive person, part of me is glad that he feels some remorse over the way he dealt with my appearance. I wish I didn’t feel like that, but I do.

Oh, and then there’s the sex stuff. Ugh… my dad is obsessed with sex. Oh, I don’t mean that in a creepy way, but he sees sex as this huge benchmark or something…. for example, at one of those shameful/awkward family gatherings I mentioned in my last post he was talking with my cousin (his niece) about her son and how mature he’s getting, and my dad’s comment, to underscore how grown up this boy was, was “…and I bet he’s even had sex”… as if that is the way to prove that this kid is now a man. I’m honestly not a prude… at all. Sex talk doesn’t make me uncomfortable, really, it doesn’t (usually... ) but so many of dad’s conversations with people end up being about sex. He does seem to think that if sex isn’t a part of your life then you don’t really belong. I remember trying to explain to him years ago about the whole ‘waiting until marriage’ thing, but he actually doesn’t believe that it happens. I told him about friends of mine who waited and he actually said to me “oh, they were just saying that to you, one day they’ll tell you the truth…” If I remember correctly, that was the same conversation where he tried to explain to me how men don’t know if they are in love until they’ve slept with a woman… ugh. Okay, I’ll stop going on about this now, it’s upsetting.

Anyway, like I said, my sisters want me to tell him, the older one thinks he’ll be relieved and stop blaming himself… I don’t know if I’ll do it. The idea makes me nervous… physically. My stomach gets all tight. And the thing is, I’m not even sure that it would help… he might just start blaming himself for my being gay. I know my mother blames him for a large portion of it – I know, I know… it’s ridiculous and insane pop-freudian-psychology, but I can see him thinking that very easily… especially if he decides to talk to my mother about it, which is something I can also see happening very easily. That’s actually one of the reasons I don’t want to tell him… I don’t want him and my mom discussing me being gay… my mom would be incredibly upset, she doesn’t want me telling anyone, and my telling my dad would be a huge blow to her, because it would make it so real… plus I’ve never really done that with her, sit her down and tell her. She keeps finding out. Oh, I’ve told her, but never as an intentional thing, just as a response to her suddenly ‘not remembering’ that I’m gay. I don’t know if that makes any sense, I’m writing this post at 5 in the morning…

So I don’t know if I’ll do it. I don’t know if I’ll get a chance, honestly, but even if I do, I don’t know. I don’t think he’ll be okay with it… I think he might pretend to be, but it would bother him. Even if he doesn’t ‘reject me’, which I don’t think will happen, I don’t think it will stop him blaming himself. And I’m afraid of him talking to my mother (even if I ask him not to…) or to my stepmother (which would mean ending up with the entire island knowing… that woman does not really think before she speaks). And I certainly don’t want to suddenly be talking about having sex with women with my dad, or being pressured to now have a relationship with a woman by him…it all gives me anxiety. But… well, my sisters want me to, and I love them. Who knows. It’s 5:20 in the morning, I’ve been up for about 2hours trying to sort this out (well, an hour or so was spent trying not to think about this, but I gave up and started writing this post). I have no idea what I’ll do.