139. An Almost Completely Non-Christmassy Christmas Eve Post

So, I’m in Bermuda for Christmas, and of course, it is beyond wonderful to see my sisters again. It always amazes me how we can just sort of pick up where we left off. There is no loss of love… but there is loss of time. As much as we are immediately comfortable with each other, there is some sadness in me in the moments I realize how little I know them, or when they are so excited to know that I remember something they said last time. I do wish I could have been more a part of their lives. One of them is thinking about coming to Canada for university though, and I’m very excited about the possibility. We started the application process today. Fingers crossed! She has amazing marks so I’m sure she’ll get in, it’s just a matter of her ultimately choosing to go there over some of the American schools she’s also planning to apply to.

Anyway, that is enough about my sisters… well, it isn’t… I could go on and on about them, but I’m sure it would bore all of you (the few of you who are still reading, that is). But I will tell you about an interesting encounter I had my first night in Bermuda. There was a family gathering at one of my many Aunts’ house. I always dread those not only because I hardly know anyone there, but because I know my Dad is so embarrassed by how little I know his side of my family. So I feel awkward, and then ashamed of my awkwardness. It’s never fun. This time, however, there was this guy there who I have never met before (at least, I think we’ve never met, it’s possible we met many years ago) who immediately pinged my gaydar. I spent the evening trying to get to talk to him, and managed a few times to have some brief conversations, which only made him ping even harder. So towards the end of the night made my way over to him with the express purpose of coming out to him somehow, in this sea of family, which he caught on to and before I could even flash him my pride necklace he said, in his Bermudian accent “Oh, I been clocked you from when you came in…” which pleased me, but before I could say anything, his sister – who had in no way registered (except in the “oh, it’s too bad she’s probably my cousin cause she’s cute” kind of way) – who I hadn’t even noticed was standing there piped up “yeah, we clocked you right away… I’m unclockable though…” I was shocked. We then managed to have a very brief, and very encoded conversation about how many members of our family are gay (because it was so encoded I’m still not sure exactly what they were saying)… it was exciting. We made very nebulous plans to get together while I’m here in Bermuda, so I’m hoping that will happen, but it will definitely have to wait until after Christmas. I’m looking forward to it though. Sadly (but not unexpectedly) neither of them lives in Bermuda now, the sister lives in Canada and the brother lives in England. Gay people do tend to leave this island… it’s not very hospitable.

Case in point… I was just at another family gathering… another awkward, shameful family gathering, and in addition to all the awkward shame, I had to listen while my father made a series of homophobic remarks. I have to give him some grace… he has no idea about me, and he did grow up in a very sheltered, isolated place (he once asked me in all seriousness what the word “Jew” meant… he honestly didn’t know), but it still hurt to hear him refer to some supposed lesbians he saw the other night as “some butches” in the most disgusted tone he could manage. (it was that remark that made me decide to write this blog… I was feeling so hurt, holding back tears actually, and felt the need to process it… hence this weirdly non-Christmassy blog post on Christmas Eve)

Tomorrow is Christmas though, and I am really excited about giving my sisters their gifts. I was super excited about giving my dad his gift, but right now I’m feeling hurt so I’m not as excited about that right now, I hope that goes away by tomorrow morning for the gift exchange. I imagine it will… sleep can work wonders. And hey, maybe in the next few days I will meet up with some other gay Bermudians! That would be exciting.

Anyway, I’ll end this now… I think my processing is done. Merry Christmas everyone!