Saturday, June 17, 2006

66. Envy

So, there’s some drama going on among my coworkers right now.  One of my coworkers, an awesome guy I will call D. has asked my neighbour (S.) out.  He’s had a thing for her for a while and finally, on Friday, screwed up the courage to act on it.  I’m not sure if anything is going to come of it, because there are extenuating circumstances that I’m not going to get into here, but I’m kind of pushing for it…

What does this have to do with me?  Well… he took her out on a date and clearly explained his feelings for her and got a goodnight kiss out of the deal.  I realize that a goodnight kiss isn’t that big a deal, but having never had one (at least not from anyone I really cared to be kissed by), my initial reaction to hearing this news was envy.  

Not specific envy.  My neighbour S. is awesome, and attractive and I have no idea why I’m not attracted to her (and I’m not going to think about it too much because I’m quite happy not being attracted to her and I don’t want that to change if I can help it), but I wasn’t envious of D. getting to kiss her specifically.  I was just jealous that his ‘confession’ yielded fruit (minimal as it was).  

For some reason I tend to tell girls that I’m attracted to about my feelings for them.  It’s a guilt thing, I think.  I feel guilty for the feelings I experience, and then I feel bad for the girls that I’m attracted to because there is a dynamic to the relationship that they are unaware of.  I feel guilty for every time that they touch me and I get butterflies, and they have no idea.  I feel guilty because I know (or believe) that if I they were aware of my feelings that they would act differently and so I feel that I should give them the opportunity to act that way.  It’s weird, I know, but it’s a pattern I’ve followed.

The thing is, never once have my ‘confessions’ borne any kind of fruit… never once have I made one of these confessions and even had a glimmer of hope for fruit.  I honestly don’t know what it feels like to even just think that someone I have feelings for might possibly have feelings for me.  My throat is clenching up just thinking about it.  That’s a pretty basic thing I’ve missed out on.  

Actually, I’m just realizing that I’ve lied, at least a little.  One girl I told about my feelings did hold my hand for about 10 seconds afterwards, and that 10 seconds was the most romantic 10 seconds of my life.  Even though she only held my hand out of pity.  

Man, what straight people take for granted.  The freedom to feel what they feel.  The freedom to express what they feel.  The freedom to hope.  The freedom to try.  I suppose I could do all of those things if I chose, but I’m still in between here.  I don’t know what I believe, Side A, Side B… it’s all so confusing.  I keep hoping that something will just click and I’ll know, I’ll know which side is right, but that isn’t happening.  So here I am, watching people live their lives around me, and I live my half-life here… in limbo.  (I’m still in a funk, in case you didn’t catch on.)

Anyway, it’s a gorgeous day, so I think I’ll go outside and let the sun burn away some of this angst.

7 Comments:

Anonymous said...

Sorry to hear you are feeling down in the dumps. Sounds like the envy you are feeling couldn't be remedied even if the circumstances were that of which you desire. From the way you describe how you guilt ridden brain works, I bet you could outrun a cheetah if you confessed your feelings to someone and they wished to reciprocate.

I hope you can someday begin living for your own happiness and believe that you are a good and derserving person. This Side A & B which you constantly debate can be debated in your head forever....you don't have forever.

K

Emi said...

Hi,

I've been reading your blog for a few months now and I just want to say thank you so much. I'm also a Christian and a lesbian and I could understand so many of your feelings. It was so great to have something like this to read when I felt like no one understood me.

Also reading your blog made me see that I kind of had to choose what path to follow for myself, and I chose, well to be a lesbian, I suppose, to be out.

I suppose I cant really convey how important this blog was to me (and still is) but thank you...

I hope you dont feel sad anymore. I think of you as a beautiful person in my head and I hope someday you find what is right for you in your heart.

It is still hard being Christian and gay but I dont believe that God would make such beautiful people as some of the gay and lesbian people I know and see them as wrong.

Lots of love,

Emi

Anonymous said...

girls do the same thing to guys... and most of the time they don't really mind.

do you think it is possible you weren't horrified by her action, but were horrified by what you felt everyone else (society) was thinking at that moment? did you feel exploited?

i read your blog, have never posted...

TransatlanticGirl said...

As usual, I can so relate to this. I've been there, except in those cases when I still am there. It's so nice to know there's someone else out there who's sorting through the same emotions. (BTW, thanks for commenting on my blog.)

It's quite natural to feel frustrated at the things people take for granted. I remember during my coming out process, when I still desperately wanted to become straight, it struck me vividly just how many straight people in our world have been given the "gift of heterosexuality" and absolutely squander and debase it without a thought--while there were some of us out there who were dying to have just a taste of what they had--it's enough to drive you spare.)

It's the 'freedom to hope' that really matters. Hope is such a basic need for us humans--and that includes all kinds of hope, including romantic hope. That's the worst thing about Side B, IMO-- it's not that it says I can never have sex-- I'm a bit of a sexophobe actually, so I could probably live with that. But resigning myself to a life where I'm not even free to fully hope and dream? To just somehow pretend that something better can't exist for me? _That's_ unthinkable.

JJ said...

Anonymous

I'm pretty sure you were meaning to comment on this post I'll respond to you there, okay?

JJ said...

TransAtlanticGirl

Yeah, the hope thing is a big one. I've actually been toying with the idea of changing the name of this blog to "Searching for Hope", because that is my main problem. I cannot be fully convinced of "Side A" yet, simply because I can't shake what I've been taught I think. But "Side B" seems so hopeless. And I can't imagine that God would want a hopeless existance for me.

JJ said...

Oh, and Emi

Thanks for posting! Sorry, I'm going a bit nuts with the responses right now, but I just wanted to say thanks. As much as I do this blog for myself, it's nice to know that it helps other people too!