66. Envy

So, there’s some drama going on among my coworkers right now.  One of my coworkers, an awesome guy I will call D. has asked my neighbour (S.) out.  He’s had a thing for her for a while and finally, on Friday, screwed up the courage to act on it.  I’m not sure if anything is going to come of it, because there are extenuating circumstances that I’m not going to get into here, but I’m kind of pushing for it…

What does this have to do with me?  Well… he took her out on a date and clearly explained his feelings for her and got a goodnight kiss out of the deal.  I realize that a goodnight kiss isn’t that big a deal, but having never had one (at least not from anyone I really cared to be kissed by), my initial reaction to hearing this news was envy.  

Not specific envy.  My neighbour S. is awesome, and attractive and I have no idea why I’m not attracted to her (and I’m not going to think about it too much because I’m quite happy not being attracted to her and I don’t want that to change if I can help it), but I wasn’t envious of D. getting to kiss her specifically.  I was just jealous that his ‘confession’ yielded fruit (minimal as it was).  

For some reason I tend to tell girls that I’m attracted to about my feelings for them.  It’s a guilt thing, I think.  I feel guilty for the feelings I experience, and then I feel bad for the girls that I’m attracted to because there is a dynamic to the relationship that they are unaware of.  I feel guilty for every time that they touch me and I get butterflies, and they have no idea.  I feel guilty because I know (or believe) that if I they were aware of my feelings that they would act differently and so I feel that I should give them the opportunity to act that way.  It’s weird, I know, but it’s a pattern I’ve followed.

The thing is, never once have my ‘confessions’ borne any kind of fruit… never once have I made one of these confessions and even had a glimmer of hope for fruit.  I honestly don’t know what it feels like to even just think that someone I have feelings for might possibly have feelings for me.  My throat is clenching up just thinking about it.  That’s a pretty basic thing I’ve missed out on.  

Actually, I’m just realizing that I’ve lied, at least a little.  One girl I told about my feelings did hold my hand for about 10 seconds afterwards, and that 10 seconds was the most romantic 10 seconds of my life.  Even though she only held my hand out of pity.  

Man, what straight people take for granted.  The freedom to feel what they feel.  The freedom to express what they feel.  The freedom to hope.  The freedom to try.  I suppose I could do all of those things if I chose, but I’m still in between here.  I don’t know what I believe, Side A, Side B… it’s all so confusing.  I keep hoping that something will just click and I’ll know, I’ll know which side is right, but that isn’t happening.  So here I am, watching people live their lives around me, and I live my half-life here… in limbo.  (I’m still in a funk, in case you didn’t catch on.)

Anyway, it’s a gorgeous day, so I think I’ll go outside and let the sun burn away some of this angst.