65. Lonely

Yes, I am descending into typical blogger angst. I have no idea what has brought this on, but I have been in a funk for a couple of weeks and have only recently diagnosed myself as lonely.

I know that I am in a foreign country, and some of this is to be expected, but honestly, I haven't felt like this for years... and I've done a fair amount of living in foreign countries in that time. I get along awesomely with my coworkers (drinking nights notwithstanding), and have become particularly close with the girl who moved in next door, which is awesome.

But I'm lonely.

Part of it is my own fault. She is my main friend here, and because of that, I'm so careful not to 'cling'. I've done a bit of sucking people dry in the past (when I was in my depression) and I am so leery of doing it again that I know I've built some walls to stop that from happening. Plus I happen to know that even since then there have been times I've been perceived as clingy -- well, it only happened once, and it was a result of a series of misunderstandings, but still... it's a sensitive issue for me, so I have probably become even more reserved since then.

But there are other things going on. There's something that's been bothering me, and I can't really talk to her about it because... well, it's something I hate to talk about. Like, I really hate to talk about it. But here it is, because I need to express this. I've mentioned a few times here that I am overweight. This is a sensitive issue for me even back in Canada (in part because it is the first thing both of my parents think about when they think of me... lovely)... but it is even more sensitive here in Korea, where I am surrounded by Asians who are typically quite petite. The children commenting on it doesn't bother me because they can say both "you're fat, teacher" and "you're beautiful, teacher" in the same sentence and mean them both equally. There is no judgment in their statements. But the adults are another story. I get pointed and stared at in the street all the time, and my boss... oy, he's just plain rude. At first I chalked it up to a cultural thing, but I've noticed that he doesn't say the things he says to me when we're alone when anyone else is around... so he knows that they're inappropriate comments. What this is doing to me internally is that I am getting way more self-conscious than I am normally (and I'm normally quite self-conscious). What happens is that when I'm in a group of people, I suddenly become aware that they can see me and I become incredibly nervous and want to hide. I've had conversations where I realize that it probably seems like I'm lying because I can't make eye contact (or my eyes become really 'shifty'), but the reason I'm not making eye contact is because I've suddenly become afraid and am trying to hide it. It's frightening because I remember that feeling from when I was at my lowest, and I really don't want to be back there again.

Part of the reason I can't talk to my neighbour about this is because I hate talking about this, but the other reason is that she is a health nut. Like, she gets up at 5:30 every morning and runs for at least an hour. She knows the caloric content of pretty much everything that goes in her mouth. You name a sport, and she's played it, on a team... she probably has trophies. I just can't imagine discussing body image issues with someone like that.

Now, I'm big... that is a fact, but I'm not unhealthy... I went for a battery of tests before I came here (at my mother's behest) and all my tests came back saying that I am in excellent health. My cholesterol is actually better than most people, my blood sugar is well within the norm, by blood pressure is also within the norm... the only health concern I actually have is that I'm anemic (which seems kind of funny to me because I picture anemic people as kind of reedy and wan... the opposite of me). In Canada I'm more active than I am now... I go for long walks, I like to swim, to bike; I even go to the gym occasionally. Here, I do none of those things because doing any of them gets me stared at. My neighbour takes Tai Kwon Do here, and I've been invited to join, and I would love to... it would be a fun cultural experience I think, but I can't imagine doing it and not being terrified... like to the point of tears. People pointing, laughing, whispering... giggling. It's horrifying to me, the stuff of nightmares.

Heh, so I guess there's more going on than simple loneliness, but that is a part of it. I want to hang out with people and not feel judged. Not judged for my appearance, not judged for my beliefs, not judged for my sexuality, not judged for my sexual history (or more to the point, my lack of a sexual history)... not judged at all. And I don't feel that here. With the exception of my boss, no one has actually said anything overtly judgmental towards me, but I feel it anyway. And it makes me lonely.