23. Wedding

I went to a wedding yesterday.  I love weddings, and this one was beautiful.  The bride and groom are very much in love – they were both practically luminescent.  And of course, there was dancing.  I love dancing.  We (me and a group of friends) danced until well after midnight.  So much fun.  I so rarely get the opportunity to dance that I drink it in when it comes… well, except for that one wedding I went to where all the music was country.  I left that one early.  Anyway, the point is that the wedding was wonderful.  My friend is very happy and I wish them both the best.

I say all of that to say I had a wonderful time, and the vast majority of my thoughts and feelings while I was there were positive, but the purpose of this blog is to provide and outlet for my thoughts about being Christian, Gay and Confused, and of course, being at a wedding will bring some of those thoughts to the foreground.

I am enough of a girly-girl that I have been thinking about and planning my own wedding since I was fairly young.  I remember drawing pictures of the type of wedding dress I wanted in junior high (my tastes have changed a little since then, thank goodness).  I know what song I would want for my first dance, what my colours would be, where I would get my pictures taken, etc…  And every wedding I’ve been to, I’ve catalogued the things I really liked so that I can use them when my own day comes.  The frustrating thing is that I can’t curtail this tendency despite the fact that I know that marriage is probably not an option for me.  I sat there last night, thinking things like “Oooh, that’s a neat idea”, or “Wow, I’ve never heard of that tradition”, and trying to think how I would incorporate them into my own ideal wedding celebration; and every time I would have to give myself a sort of mental slap in the face and remind myself that I probably won’t have a wedding, so I should stop building the idea up in my head.  

And just so you don’t get worried (or excited), I still haven’t come to a conclusion regarding the whole celibacy vs. gay-relationship thing.  It’s just that even if I do eventually marry a woman, I won’t be able to have the traditional wedding that I have envisioned.  I may find a church and a minister that would be willing to hold the ceremony, but I can’t think of a single member of my family that would come… and none of my Christian friends would come either.  So there would be no one giving speeches about what I was like as a child, or telling fun stories about silly things we did in university, etc…  When I think about a wedding without all of these people that I love, it feels kind of hollow… even just thinking about it, my chest has gotten all tight and I’m swallowing back tears.  Wow… I’m never going to have that day when all the people that I love, and who love me, gather to celebrate me and my happiness.  That is a harsh thought.  I’d better move on before I start to cry.  

The other thing that happened was that I saw a guy I haven’t seen in years – he was the staff advisor for the Christian fellowship I was a part of in university.  The friend I have mentioned twice before pointed out his new wife to me – I hadn’t realized he’d gotten divorced.  She went on to tell me how hard his first marriage had been, listing various problems (none of which were adultery), and how happy she was that he was happy now.  And he was happy, I could see it on his face (and in the fact that he and his wife didn’t leave the dance floor for hours!  It was pretty impressive cause… well, they’re kind of old!).   I should tell you that I am happy for him too; I am really in no position to begrudge anyone any joy that they have.  But it frustrated me, how much my friend was celebrating in his happiness, despite the fact that he is in a relationship that the Bible clearly says is wrong.  I couldn’t help but wonder if she would celebrate my happiness if I was in a relationship with a woman that made me happy.  Or would she be worried about the state of my soul?  I know I have mentioned this many times before, but it frustrates me to no end.  How come it’s okay when heterosexuals break or bend the rules when it comes to sex and relationships, but when gay people question the rules (or that there even is a rule) we are in obvious, willful rebellion (or whatever catchphrase is in vogue among Christians these days)?  Again, I think that this is because marriages between divorced people look the same as first time marriages… so people can just pretend that they don’t notice or something.  I mean, really, there can be no other explanation.  

Anyway, the wedding was really wonderful; I had a great time and got to see some people I hadn’t seen in ages.  Weddings are always good for that.  I have another one to go to in three weeks, and then I probably won’t have any for ages.  I think all of my friends from that particular group are married now (or will be in three weeks, anyway).  Oy.  I’m old.