Wednesday, June 28, 2006

68. The End of Wednesday Nights

I mentioned in my previous post that my coworkers and I go out for dinner on Wednesday night, and usually end up heading out to a local bar afterwards. Well, today was Wednesday, and we followed our usual pattern. It's a good pattern, I really enjoy it. The title of this post is not referring to the end of this routine, but to the way Wednesday nights now end.

The night begins with the 4 of us at dinner, and then 3 of us head to the bar... and then we would go home. I live next door to S. (as I've mentioned a few times) and so we would usually walk to our apartment building, say goodbye to D. and go home together, but now that S. and D. are together things are different. There's a point, during our time at the bar, when I can sort of feel how they both are eager to leave so they can be alone... that's an awesome feeling. And then there's the walk home, which is awesome because I'm dreading the moment when we get to the door and then I have to somehow extricate myself from them without seeming rude, even though I know that they can't wait for me to leave. Up until tonight, I had to do it in such a way as to somehow pretend that I didn't realize that S. wasn't coming with me... it was weird. Tonight, I just walked into the building when we got home, sort of waving goodbye behind me. D. called after me, "What, you're not going to stay for the awkward goodbye?", and S. followed with "Please, come back and stand around..." To which I, somewhat bitterly I admit, responded "Sure, because that's fun."

I'm not mad at them, the situation is what it is. I just hate the fact that I have an awesome time until that point hits in the bar, and then it goes from fun straight to torture. Being a third wheel? Not fun. Thanks to the wonder of the birth control pill (which I'm on for medical reasons) I know that I'm PMSing, but nevertheless, that sensation had me on the verge of tears tonight, which was why I walked away from them so quickly. I realize that it was rude, but I think bursting into tears in front of them would have been worse.

I don't like this feeling, and it happens all the time. Everybody but me eventually pairs off. I am the spare part that they keep around in case they need me at some point.

No, that's not true, and is really unnecessarily grim and depressing. But whittle it down to something more palatable and realistic and you'll get something close to the truth, I think.

Anyway, that's how I'm feeling tonight. I'll be over it tomorrow, and will go through it all again next week, but I won't be PMSing, so it shouldn't be as bad.


Willie Hewes said...

PMS sucks balls. Sometimes I take days off work and life and just hide under the covers because I can't f-ing cope. That situation would suck under any circumstances, but I can see how it would drive you to tears like that.

I'm wondering where you stand on the whole side A, B, C, X... God said man should not be alone, right? Sorry, it's not really my place to point at the bible. And I realise even deciding you want a girlfriend wouldn't necessarily help in this situation. Still... I just wish you could be happier.

Eric said...

I can't relate with PMS but I can relate with the third wheel feeling. It only emphasizes (for me) that I'm not with someone. I can try to be happy for them as much as I can but at the end of the day the loneliness sets in.


For the longest time, I was crushing on my buddy. He's got a boyfriend/partner and they are pretty committed. I want the best for them but i'm always the odd man out. They hope for me to find someone so we can do double dates and stuff. I am dating too. But i want/wanted to be with my buddy. Now we're room mates and as our friendship grows, i'm finding myself starting to see him differently - as my friend and not my crush.

(Hehe, sorry JJ, this last paragraph didn't necessarily connect with your blog post, but it's something I wanted to "say out loud" but i can't write that in my own blog because he reads it. I guess yours is my blog home away from home!) =)

til next time, my friend!

Liadan said...

I know all too well the Fifth Wheel feeling. (And I wish I didn't.) Most of my close friends are paired off, so I had to go and deliberately find other single friends.