Saturday, June 03, 2006

64. Attention Straight People:

Okay, so again, I have let things slide. Sorry. I've just gotten really busy. My coworkers and I are getting along awesomely and have been going out almost every night after work. Not going out drinking or anything (well, sometimes), mostly just going out for dinner and talking until the wee hours... it's just so much fun. We actually had a massive 'religion' talk until 2 am the other night, with two of my coworkers just peppering me with questions. Even the 'drinking nights' have been cool because no one has felt the need to force me to drink, so we go out to some bar, and talk until 2 am, I drink water or Coke, and they drink whatever and we have some awesome talks. It's all good...

Well, it was all good until Friday night. And that's where the title of this post comes in. The message to straight people is this: "My sexuality is not a toy. Nor is it something I do to amuse you, so back off!"

What happened on Friday? Not that much actually. I will preface this with some info. First bit of info: My coworkers all know I'm gay now (well not the Korean staff, but all of us English speakers -- well, all but one of us English speakers, but the one who doesn't know sort of doesn't count). Second bit: I personally don't believe that drinking is a sin... I know many Christians do, but I see no Biblical foundation for that belief, so I don't have a problem with it. I don't drink to get drunk... I don't even really like alcohol, or the sensation of being drunk (yes, I've been drunk a few times). When I do drink, it is quite honestly just to be social or polite. And on Friday night, I don't know that it would have been possible to avoid because of the language barrier between us and the service staff -- they barely understood us when we were ordering the drinks we did, I doubt they would have understood anything about my wanting some sort of non-alcoholic beverage (for those of you who don't know, I'm in Korea right now). Anyway, I had a few on Friday... nowhere near enough to get me drunk, although I think I was a little buzzed for most of the night (I forget sometimes that fruity, girly drinks can get you drunk too). My friends, of course, had way more than me and were quite plastered, and that's when things started to happen that were pissing me off. The night had been really fun and then there were shots... and body shots (which, for those who don't know, is when you drink a shot off of a person's body), and dirty shots of Tequila (when you lick the salt off of a person's skin, and then do the shot). I suddenly had one of my coworkers, who I really like otherwise, standing over me, having smeared salt on her cleavage, holding a shot of Tequila and yelling at me, "Lick my boob! You know you want to! Come on! Lick it! Lick it!" I was literally cowering away from her, but as I looked around, I realized everyone was staring and laughing. I was pinned between her in front of me (and she's kind of an Amazon) and others behind me, all really wanting to watch me do this. I did it, to get her off of me, and then ran to the bathroom to calm down because I was so pissed off. I sat there, on the toilet just fuming... do they think that I, as a gay woman, am just so grateful to have a boob in front of me that I'll just do whatever? I'm sure in her drunken state she was thinking how awesome it must have been for me, and how kind she was to allow me the privilege, but it wasn't at all. It was horrifying and humiliating. I didn't really know how to explain it to her, and I doubt it would have mattered. (She actually did follow me into the bathroom a few minutes later, because she thought I was throwing up, and I let her believe that because... well, I have a strategy of pretending I'm a lot drunker than I actually am so that people stop buying me drinks. They seriously just can't seem to comprehend that I actually just don't like it.) But seriously, do you honestly think I want to do something in public that I haven't even done in private? With someone I'm actually not attracted to? With everyone watching? It was kind of a nightmare.

And then there were the constant threats (of course, I'm sure they weren't meant this way) of 'getting me laid'. Actually, these statements were made by the same girl, so maybe it's just her I'm annoyed with, and I should remember that it's just her when she's really drunk that I'm annoyed with. After a certain point in the night, that was pretty much all she was saying to me -- "We're gonna get you laid girl! That's what friends are for! Don't you worry...blah, blah, blah..." I really was containing my anger at this point because I kind of wanted to scream at her. What would I have screamed? I apologize in advance for the profanity but here it is: "Would you please recognize that there is an element of choice in the way I have led my life, and STOP SHITTING ALL OVER IT!!!"

We're all going on vacation together in the Philippines in a couple of months (well, the girls anyway, there are male staff, but they're not coming) and I'm kind of dreading it now. Well, that's probably putting it a bit strongly, but there are elements of the vacation that worry me. I really like this girl when she's sober, but I imagine that she won't be sober for most of our vacation... Oy.

Anyway, it's been nice to get this off of my chest... and sorry for the huge gap in posts.


Peterson Toscano said...

First off--welcome back! Marvin has been asking after you and has been concerned.

Secondly--this story you share is nothing short of a nightmare! Ugh, how dreadful. I feel violated and offended just reading it (not by you but by the insensitivity of these co-workers).

I understand that they probably "meant no harm" and are trying to be open and affirming, but if I were in the same situation, I would feel so overwhelmingly sick by it.

So sorry you had to endure it and I hope that as you move on with your relationships with these folks that somehow you can clear the air.

Glad you have this blog where you can get it off your chest, especially because you are so far from home and isolated in many ways.

Good to have you back!

Willie Hewes said...

Drunk people are a**holes, this story is as unsurprising as it is sickening. She's probably attracted to you on some drunken level, and that's why she's picking on you. Kind of like boys pulling the hair of girls they like.

As you say, she probably has no concept of how rude and obnoxious she was, and how much you're hurt. Hate to point out the obvious, but you might want to tell her somehow, or give some indication. She won't have a chance to stop being an a**hole until she realises she is one, and that's not fair on her either.

Ugh, thanks for reminding me why I don't drink, or hang out with people who drink. Be well.


Liadan said...

I can't say I've ever had anything quite that egregious happen to me, since I don't drink, but I have had my sexuality treated like a party trick before and it's indeed quite annoying. I tend to make some snarky remark of the kind I got really good at in sixth grade or so. (Hans doesn't call me a saw-tongued castrating bitch for nothing. ^_^ )

How the hell does one *do* a body shot, anyway? I'm trying to figure out how you drink a liquid off skin without wasting a lot of liquor.

JJ said...

Thanks, all... for you comments. It's nice to know that I wasn't over-reacting.


re: body shots... well, the idea is that a person lies down, bares their stomach (at the very least) and the shot is poured into their navel, and sucked out. It is supposed to be sexy, but I just kept thinking "unsanitary... and public... ewww".

Angel said...

Oh JJ, how awful! Just thinking of a guy doing that to a straight woman (and come on, it's the same thing) is horrifying.

You have to talk to her before your trip and let her know that it's not ok.

I'm with an earlier commenter, maybe she's testing the bounds of her sexuality? Totally inappropriate way though of course.

I am so not comfy with drunk people. Last time I was around a drunk friend (married) he wound up kissing me. You bet I made a beeline and told my husband when I got home.

I can never drink enough to get drunk. I fall asleep first.

Eric said...

Hi JJ! ((hugs))

Side note: i actually like the girly fruity drinks. I need something that actually tastes good to mask the horrible taste of alcohol. I drink and have been buzzed but i usually stop before i get to the point of being drunk. I'd like to say i know my limits.

Anyway, crazy awful experience! People can be insensitive sober - so much more when under the influence. Months ago when i went to a party or two, I was considered "fresh meat" and one guy in particular came on to me extremely strong. He was very close to actually groping me but, with a quick hand and a bit of strength, I caught his arm and I pretty forcefully demonstrated how uncool he was being.

Anyway, I hope you are well my friend!

JJ said...


I was beginning to think you'd forgotten about me! Glad to see you back again. Yeah, some people can be jerks... it's not pleasant.

And Angel

Always good to see you around the ol' blogosphere!

The thing is, usually I don't have a problem around drunk people. But they usually don't sort of sexually assault me, so I'm fine. And, no, I doubt she was testing herself at all. I just think she thought it would be funny. It wasn't, at least not for me.

And Anonymous asked:

do you think it is possible you weren't horrified by her action, but were horrified by what you felt everyone else (society) was thinking at that moment? did you feel exploited?

I don't think I was concerned about what other people would think, I was concerned about what they were thinking at that moment. Like, how hilarious it would be to watch the gay, celibate, religious girl lick salt off of another girl. Like I was some kind of freak show. I don't like being laughed at (I'm sure no one does) and I don't like being set up to be laughed at. As far as girls doing it to guys, you're right, the guys don't usually mind, but I did. And I said that I did. I didn't go into such great detail in the original blog entry, but I was pretty clear. She asked me a few times before she jumped up and started yelling at me if I wanted to do a dirty shot off of her, and I said no... quite plainly, and when she jumped up I leaned away, and pushed her away from me... there was no way that I was giving off any sort of signal that I wanted this. It was kind of a different situation than when a girl does it to a guy and he blushes and then does it. If a guy reacted the way I did and she had kept doing it to him, I would be equally horrified. It's just not how you treat people.

Carpenter said...

I completely understand. I went out with some friends to a straight bar once and a very similar thing happened to me, with people shouting "where are the lesbians" (meaning me and the girl I was with) so that we could come lick whipped cream off this straight woman's bare breasts. You handled it well, I think, well, as best as you could under the circumstances, and I completely agree with you about how straight people use lives like ours for their own amusement. It is very frustrating, and I just wanted you to know that there are people out there (me!) who totally and completely get it. Hope you're doing well in the Philippines!