Wednesday, April 29, 2009

137. More Mom Stuff, etc...

So, I got quite an email from my mother this morning… in it she explained that Satan has ‘attacked my sexuality’ and that often he attacks us in the ‘areas of our anointing’ (so, my sexuality is anointed, I guess…). She went on to illustrate this point by pointing out my love of children, sensitivity, poetry, and ‘love of Laura Ashley clothing as a child’ (which… not true. I have never like flower prints or anything like that in clothing. It is true that I wanted the Laura Ashley quilt and wallpaper trim for my bedroom back in the 80s, when I was a teenager… but regardless… this harkening back to my tastes as a child is ridiculous.) She says these are all very feminine traits that God wants to use if I am obedient. And now ‘the enemy has been found out’ and he owes me double what he has stolen. And so that is what she is praying for me.

So many things in there to comment on, but well… lets first just say that this is a typical example of how conversations and dialogues go with my mother… everything couched in these uber spiritual overtones that cannot be argued against without sounding like a ‘non-believer’, which is the worst thing in the world in her mind. After that… well, lets point out the obvious… she is confusing sexuality with gender (or femininity). A very common mistake, to be sure, but still, very irritating. I have never had or expressed a desire to be a guy, I am very happy being a woman. Oh, there are times when I can’t help but think how much easier things would be if I were a guy, but then I think “but then I’d have to actually be a guy”… and I don’t want that. I know I don’t do a lot of overtly feminine things… I don’t wear skirts or dresses and I rarely wear makeup (although I’m doing that more often now… mostly due to there being certain females in my life that inspire me to care about how I look)… but I am very feminine internally. I have always known that and said that about myself. The way I view the world, the way I process things, the way I interact with the world… it’s all very feminine. And it has absolutely nothing to do with my sexuality.

I’m not going to bother attempting to explain this to my mother because… well, deaf ears and all that. It’s just an exercise in futility.

In other news… well, you know that post I wrote a little while back, the one I said I was nervous that someone I know might stumble upon… but didn’t think anyone would because no one I know really reads my blog anymore… well, someone I know (and who the post in part about) did stumble upon it. She hadn’t read my blog in years, and when she did… that one. Argh. We talked about it a bit… well, she mostly talked, I felt way too embarrassed and exposed to say anything. I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not that she read it, but, it happened and so now we move on.

And in completely different news, I thought I would share a little snippet of my life at preschool with you… a conversation I had with a young girl the other day while we were playing at a local park.

Me: Are you okay? You look like you are having a bad day.

Girl: I am having a bad day. I can’t find my Jesus.

Me: (slightly stunned) Your Jesus?

Girl: Yes. Everyone has their own Jesus that only they can see, and I can’t find mine.

Me: (still slightly stunned) Oh. Where did you see Him last?

Girl: (pointing behind her) He was over there, but then I looked away, and when I looked back, he was gone.

Me: Oh. Okay. Why don’t you ask Him to come back?

Girl: Okay. (turns towards the trees behind the park and starts calling) Jesus! Jesus! Come here Jesus! Come… oh, there You are. Are You having a good day? … no?

Me: Jesus is having a bad day too?

Girl: (still looking where she sees her Jesus). Yes. He’s having a bad day.

Me: Why?

Girl: Well… God went shopping and forgot all about Jesus.

Me: ….oh…


I was too stunned (I know I keep using that word, but there isn’t another one to describe my reaction) to continue this conversation… so that’s where it trailed off. Thought you might enjoy that. Kids really are amazing.

14 Comments:

otrolado said...

Sorry for all the craziness with your mom. I like the story with the little girl. Kids can be fun to talk to.

double_duchess said...

Your mom is extremely controlling, dear. You might consider telling her that you find her words and actions unacceptable... It's a legitimate thing to say, even to someone you love. By showing her your boundaries she will respect you more, and it's the only way she will ever accept who you are.

I love your blog and strongly identify with it - even though I'm much older and wiser than you! All the best...

Mikey said...

First and foremost remember that your personal relationship with God is something that no one can take away. As a Christian you are forgiven and have His grace.

That said, and I'm sure you try, the same understanding and forgiviness yous seek from your Mom and others is something you need through the example of your life, to give to them. They have been brought up to believe a certain way, and were taught by those they respect and trust in their knowledge. Change in anything but especially in the structure of ones faith is hard to come by.

Some folks seem to deal with these issues in some extremes like it appears you Mom does at times. I'm not trained at anything but these actions look like insecurity to me. At least you two are talking and trying to come together. So many gays and their parents do not and that is truly sad. Find every way to just share the love you have for each other in spite of the differences and let the example you set by your life let her and other's see God and Christ in you.

God Bless, smile all you can as this lets His light shine out and be there for Him and His service as He needs.

slashdotmad said...

hi, perhaps your mum should watch this:
http://au.christiantoday.com/article/documentary.what.does.the.bible.really.say.about.homosexuality/2469.htm

this was recently on the doco channel and featured a lot of parents who finally got that it is not a sin and the bible does not actually condemns homosexuals as such. it also featured a number of perspectives on the interpretation. Maybe this would help your mum's understanding where you're at.

Will C said...

You inspired me to start my own blog..........check it out when you get a chance!

http://walkingwithchristeachday.blogspot.com/

Anonymous said...

JJ,

Most Gay people are just missing elements in their life that they are somehow trying to regain by having a close relationship with someone of the same sex.

If A man that does not have a good relationship with his dad, It can sometimes result in him constantly longing for the attention of a man.

While taking that normal longing to have that father's hug, then to turn it into something sexual is where the mistake is made.

This can be applied for women and their relationships with their mothers and fathers. Lack from mother, bad relationship with a father maybe sexual abuse.

someone feeling a need to be with a woman to get back that mother love they missed.

This world is full of stereo types of how men should be and how women should be.I am talking about the typical girls should wear pink and boys should wear blue, boys are tough and girls are not. I am talking about certainly girls can't throw a ball hard and boys had better be able to throw a ball lightning fast and not like a girl.
Personalities are not male and female they present in each sex and it is a mistake to try to say a certain personality is pertains to a certain sex.

A woman like yourself... maybe you are lacking that caring mother, that should have been more concerned about giving you a big hug and telling you it was OK when you were growing up.Your mother needed to be a person who would give you personal space, trust, and love, encouragement,praise, and cheering you on, to be all that you can be. I don't think she was that person for you.

So you may be in search of that missing mother love you never got.. So if that is missing in you,a pursuit to have it happens,that attention from women,That attention you didn't get. That desire to have that female encouragement,you may have missed out on with your mom, should not be mis-interpreted as sexual.

Your mother may be a certain type of personality,It makes me wonder if you loathe her so, that you don't want to be anything like her.

Because men and marriage represents part of your mother,and since she didntlove you how you needed so why not hate her. Why not be something that would drive her nuts,like saying your a gay christian(there is no such animal),if you are a christian, you not gay, you are just confused as you say in your blog. You are being decieved by a lie.that is what is happening here.

Are you being yourself? Or are you just being the polar opposite of your mother? That is another question you have to ask yourself.


Here is the tip of the spear:

Since you have read the verses and know them, I suppose I wont need to quote them in full.

First of all the bible, as you most likely agree is written by a perfect God, through imperfect man perfectly expressing what is good and what is not.

In the Lev 18:22 the word abomination- comes up,This is how God sees the act of a man laying down with another man as he does with a woman. He does not like it and that is clear.

dictionary.com

Abomination= www.dictionary.com

a⋅bom⋅i⋅na⋅tion
–noun
1. anything abominable; anything greatly disliked or abhorred.
2. intense aversion or loathing; detestation: He regarded lying with abomination.
3. a vile, shameful, or detestable action, condition, habit, etc.: Spitting in public is an abomination.

Thats clear.

But there is hope with:
Corinthians 6:11
"And that is what some of you were". But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God."

"And That Is What Some Of You Were" It can be past tense, something that is not permanent

The WORLD Says and Perpetuates the Biggest Lie: "You are born that way" =If born that way stuck that way, if stuck that way, no way out,which is not true but this statement traps many.

Hopefully you feel this is more thought out than just quoting the clobber verses.

I saw that maybe there is someone inside of JJ that might listen to reason.

Tidbits of Torah said...

we have something in common - our moms are both praying for our soul!

You because you are going against the teachings of G-d and I because I left J .... in her words "turned my back on him" HOW COULD I DO THIS! She screamed and cried on the phone this afternoon....how can you do this! You won't get to heaven when you die!

I told my husband she must have heard a powerful sermon in church today.

oh well.

you might want to visit
www.jewishsexuality.com

you are choosing to follow a path that is not too smart - just like anyone that does not have control over his evil inclination

Shalom

feralgeographer said...

Hi JJ,

I'm feral geographer and along with Mae Callen of Driving Fast on Loose Gravel, I'm working on creating an active blogroll of queer blogs from Canada and/or by Canadians. The project is called Queer Canada Blogs, and we've added your blog!

Please check it out and let us know if you have any suggestions for blogs we can add.

Thanks!
feral geographer

(Feel free to delete this comment... I just wanted to contact you, and couldn't find an email address!)

Clueless said...

JJ,

I am so sorry about the response that you receive from your mother. It sounds very painful not to be accepted for who you are.

I am a strait female who has been a Christian since 1981. I am one that has to research including using the Bible, my experiences and other book (pro and con)before I take a stand and am open to other opinions. I support GLBT rights.

One book that helped me and maybe of interest to you is Jack Rogers, "Jesus, the Bible and Homosexuality~explode the myths, heal the church. Rogers in his research regarding the Presbyterian Church's official stand he did a turn around. Rather than continuing with the "church's" stand against homosexuality he found himself surprised at where his research led him.

Emma Jayne said...

Hiya. Just a quick note to express solidarity with you having found your blog today.

It is confusing, for sure; but God isn't confused, that's what keeps me going: he looks at me and sees, well whatever he sees, but whatever it is, he loves.

Meshia said...

The conversation was a little disturbing. Well maybe not disturbing. but amazing. No adult has ever sounded like that. So innocent, and trusting.

Helovesus said...

I am so glad to have Jesus as my Savior. He love me regardless of what I do. But He does hate my sin, and, boy, do I sin alot. I am perfect in no way. He hates my sin because He is a jealous God, jealous for my attention and my love. I am going to be very frank and you probably won't like it. He hates homosexuality. Hates it. It is wrong. He created man for woman and woman for man, so the two could be united in one under the covenant of marriage. All I can say is that God loves you so much, but He hates homosexuality and it is breaking His heart. He is not for it. There cannot be anysuch thing as gay Christianity. He loves you and His love alone can fill the void that you can't. The reason we dont recognize the power of his love anymore is because we fail to be amazed by his gospel. I challenge you read and dig deeper in the Gospels this week. I am praying for you.

Anonymous said...

I've been reading your blog on/off for the last couple of weeks. I've been genuinely surprised at how similar many of experiences have been. I would love to discuss further. If you;d like, please email me at trsimson a_t g.m.a.i.l.

saseum said...

Please allow me to share a bit of my thoughts on your post. It sure seems like a very popular blog and the reason why your blog is so controversial is because this is such a grey topic in today's society.
All I want to say is that, there is nobody who can understand the person who's going through pain. If one hasn't experienced your pain, one cannot understand what is truly going on in your head and emotion right? If you are a believer, then God is with you and he will guide you to the right path. Everything will become clearer once you find answers to your relationship with your mother or parents. Try dealing with one issue at a time and see how things evolve from there. I hope this is helpful. =)