Monday, July 02, 2007

97. Lesbian Fingers

So, I had my TV on today as I was doing stuff around my house, and there was this guy who was talking about how “gaydar” was real. I, of course, had to stop and listen. All he was talking about was a sort of list of statistical realities about gay people, like how gay people are more likely to be left-handed and stuff like that. I also learned that I apparantly have lesbian fingers.

This little segment reminded me of the craziest part of those conversations between my mom and my aunt that I really can’t believe I forgot to mention in my last post. My mom was talking about that guy in her church (the one who “used to be high up in the gay community”), and what he has to say about homosexuality… and I remember sitting there on my aunt’s couch trying to keep my mouth from falling open from the sheer absurdity of it. First of all, there’s the belief that homosexuality is “the enemy’s way of stealing good men from heterosexual women. Because, you know these men would make really good husbands. They’re gentle, and attentive. Sensitive and kind.” …and they could help you pick out your clothes, style your hair and decorate your home I guess. I found this a little confusing because this belief involves admitting that there are innate differences between your stereotypical gay guy and your average straight guy while refusing to believe that homosexuality could possibly be innate.

She then went on to expound on one of this guy’s theories on homosexuality that I must admit I had never heard before. The theory goes something like this. These men (for, of course, all thought on homosexuality seems to revolve around gay men… for some reason, no one really thinks about women) love women so much that they don’t want to get involved in the ‘heterosexual games’ that most men play with women. They don’t want to hurt women, or make women feel used, so they disengage from the ‘heterosexual lifestyle’ as a result of their overwhelming love for women.

Um… okay. That’s a new one.

This got me thinking of all of the theories I’ve heard from Christians on what homosexuality is, or rather, where it comes from. The first theory I heard was from my mom when I was around 10 or 11. My mom was taking this sign-language interpretation course and for some reason, her class was populated almost exclusively by gay men and lesbians. I believe there was one other straight woman in the course – she had thought there was one straight man, but he turned out to be gay too. Her conversations with her friends about that class were how I first learned that homosexuality was an actual thing (instead of this weird nebulous un-named feeling I had that something was a little strange about me)… and incidentally, how I first heard about AIDS, not that any of her classmates had AIDS, but they talked about it... this isn't really relevent or anything, it's just that I remember when AIDS started to be talked about in public I already knew what it was. Anyway, I remember being in the car with her (and perhaps someone else, I’m not sure), driving down Portage Avenue in Winnipeg and hearing her theory on what made all of these people gay. She said that it was a form of arrested development – that everyone goes through a homosexual phase in their lives when they are attracted to their same gender friends – but that they are supposed to grow out of it, but some people get stuck there and they turn into homosexuals. I remember this so vividly because I remember the feeling of overwhelming hope that I had, that one day I would just grow out of this. That I wouldn’t ever have to tell anyone, that one day it would just go away.

Incidentally, she also brought this theory up with my aunt (I can’t believe how much of those conversations I left out… although I may have blocked this portion out because thinking about my mom’s sexuality is icky), saying that she remembered going through a ‘homosexual phase’ where she ‘fell in love with’ her best friend. My aunt just stared at her, and my mom asked “Don’t you remember going through something like that?” To which my aunt quite quickly replied. “Nope.” My mom kept pushing, “Everyone goes through it Aunt L, don’t you remember? You must have.” My aunt just sort of tilted her head and gave my mom a searching look before saying, “Well, all I can tell you is that I never fell in love with no woman.” To which my mom replied, “Well, most people have.”

Now that I think about it, I must have just blocked that out, because I’m suddenly remembering another time that my mom talked about having feelings for women… the second time I came out to her – or rather, the second time we actually talked about it. She mentioned how she had had feelings for women sometimes, and maybe she had passed on the ‘spirit of homosexuality’ to me. “Or maybe it’s genetic,” was my response. She didn’t like that too much.

Anyway, those are my thoughts today. I’m working my way through the blogosphere, and I’ve learned that in my absence, Peterson and Christine have become famous! You can check out clips of Peterson on the Montel Williams show here , or on the Tyra Banks show here . Christine was on Good Morning America, but I can’t find the clip I was watched, and she was also interviewed in Glamour Magazine, but I haven’t been able to find that article yet. I’m still just getting back into the blogging world, so maybe I’ll figure that all out. Regardless, it’s pretty cool all the stuff they’ve been up to.

Anyway, I'll leave you with that for now. Love and all that jazz...

6 Comments:

just me said...

You seem to have much braver conversations with your mom than I do. It's pretty impressive.

cai said...

hi... i think im enjoying readng ur posts.. its different. i just cant 'pronounce' it but ur thoughts kinda amuses me..

JJ said...

I'm afraid I can't take credit for most of those brave conversations... most of them just involve me overhearing her discuss things with other people. And, honestly, the fact that I tend to just sit there and listen while she says such ridiculous things makes me feel kind of cowardly.

Eugene said...

She said that it was a form of arrested development – that everyone goes through a homosexual phase in their lives when they are attracted to their same gender friends – but that they are supposed to grow out of it, but some people get stuck there and they turn into homosexuals. I remember this so vividly because I remember the feeling of overwhelming hope that I had, that one day I would just grow out of this. That I wouldn’t ever have to tell anyone, that one day it would just go away.

I managed to stay in denial through my college years and my early 20's by telling myself over and over, "it's just a phase."

Yeah, so much for that...

just me said...

I disagree that it's cowardly. Plus if she knows about you this is one way for her to say things she may not be able to say in person. And sitting through that can be hard/brave making.

just me said...

jj Didn't you have an email address on your blog a while back?