70. The Fence

So, Willie Hewes asked me a question the other day.  She asked me where I stood on the whole Side A/B thing.  I’ll clarify, for those of you who are new to the game.

Side A is the side that believes that God does bless same-sex monogamous relationships.  Side B believes that God calls all gay people to celibacy… and a new term coined by Eric from Two World Collision is Side X, which believes that God ‘heals’ gay people (turns us straight) if we try and believe hard enough.  And then there is the term that defines me.  Side C… the point directly between A and B.  No man’s land… uncharted territory.

So, to answer your question, Willie Hewes, I’m nowhere. I still have not come to a conclusion.  But thinking about it reminded me of a dream I had a few years ago.  Funnily enough, I can tell you the date, because I woke up from it and immediately emailed a friend of mine, and I’m kind of an email pack-rat so I still have a copy of that email.  I’ll just copy and paste it here – editing only for spelling and grammar (mainly punctuation and capitalization).  The dream I had on Thursday, February 26, 2004 was as follows:

In my dream I guess I'd joined a gay club or group or something. I don't know if I dreamed the meeting and I've just forgotten, or if the dream picked up after the meeting. But what I remember is the parking lot after the meeting. I'd obviously just joined and didn't know a lot of people. But I was looking around and people seemed so happy. There were a few couples, some guys holding hands, some girls kissing...it felt so nice. Easy. I had a feeling like "Why have I been fighting this. This is where I belong." I was talking with this nice Asian guy and I spotted this girl I thought was pretty. This part of the dream went on for a while, but there's not much to say about it except that it felt so nice and safe and kind of like “Finally!"   And then I heard something. The building we (the gay club)were in was either right behind a church, or the church was right behind it...we sort of shared a parking lot...sort of...the logistics aren't important. The thing is, the worship team from the church had stepped outside I guess to warm up and were singing a song -- something about Eternal Father...again, not sure if it was a real song or one my head just made up. They were very good. And it hurt so much. I stood there, among my new group of friends and my heart was literally aching. Someone from the worship team realized we were out there, and gestured to his friends and, still singing, they went inside, so as not to disturb us. I couldn't take it anymore, I tried to hide it for a while, but I actually broke down sobbing. After a few moments the Asian guy said,  "It's hard, I know", and I realized he had been singing along with the worship team...not in their group or anything, but when he heard them he  just started singing. We were starting to talk about it, or he was, because I was crying so hard, and then my alarm went off.

So, here I am, living in that parking lot.  Not in the gay world, not in a church… at least not right now in Korea.  But even back in Canada, where I am a part of (and quite involved in) a church I don’t feel like I’m fully participating because part of me is always closed off and hidden when I’m there.  Even from those who know, because as loving and accepting as they have been, I do not feel comfortable being fully me around them.  For example, I don’t feel that any of them would be comfortable with my expressing any level of attraction for another woman, unless I was ‘confessing’ it as something I was ‘guilty’ of.  And as I don’t enjoy feeling guilty all the time, I just don’t mention it.

Now, that having been said, I’m experiencing something quite new to me here in Korea.  I’m used to being judged from the church/religious side.  That, for the most part, just rolls of my back now.  I’m not used to the judgment from the other side that I’m getting from my friends here.  The absolute bafflement at the fact that I am a 30 year old voluntary virgin, that I believe that sex is something sacred, and that even if I were to firmly land in the Side A camp tomorrow, that doesn’t mean I would be having sex with a woman any time soon.  And beyond bafflement, the attitude that I need to stop believing what I believe and just jump into the deep end of sexual activity in order to be fully realized as a person is unbelievable.  I mean, I’ve actually been told that I can’t possibly understand myself fully until I’ve had sex.   And I’ve taken that statement and made it less blunt and patronizing than it was originally.  

What this is making me realize is that this middle ground I’ve been occupying for what seems like ages can’t be maintained forever.  Eventually I’ll have to choose sides… nobody likes a fence sitter.