Thursday, August 25, 2005

9. Pat Robertson Wants Me Dead

Last night I dreamt that Pat Robertson was trying to kill me.

That is in no way relevant to anything I was planning to write about, it’s just funny.

Anyway… tomorrow afternoon, I’m getting together with one of my best friends. She was my roommate for 2 years while I was in university… while I was in the deepest, darkest part of my depression. The reason I mention that is because I’m thinking about telling her that I’m gay tomorrow. She has been away in Europe for 2 years, and I had decided that I was never going to tell her, but now that she’s back it just makes me sad.

The problem, and the reason I had decided not to tell her, is that our friendship when we lived together was a little…a little odd. I was severely depressed, and she was my most constant and affectionate friend. And I clung to her like a life preserver. I’ve often wondered if I would have made it through those years if she hadn’t been around.

The day she told me she was getting married I threatened to kill myself… sort of. I told her I no longer saw the point of living, and then went out and bought a bunch of sleeping pills. But the pills were not to kill myself, they were actually just to put me to sleep so I would stop thinking about killing myself – at night is when my thoughts can get their darkest.

I wasn’t in love with her or anything, I was way too wrapped up in my own garbage to have those kind of feelings for anyone … and oddly enough, during the second year we lived together I had a crush on a guy – a crush I manufactured after my therapist asked me if I thought I was gay… but… well, it was still real, after a fashion. Anyway, it wasn’t her engagement that threw me, it was the statement that came right after that announcement – that she would be moving out at the end of the year. I couldn’t see how I would be able to make it without her around telling me that I was worth loving.

The unfortunate thing is that I know what it looks like… and that makes it harder to tell her than it has ever been to tell anyone. But the idea of never telling her no longer feels right.

We’ll see… I have until tomorrow afternoon to decide.

My friend had to cancel her visit, so this decision is now postponed until…well, until further notice. Oh, and I just noticed that my blog is now too big to fit on one page… cool! In case you are not blog savvy, you can click on any of the post titles to the right (under the heading “Previous Posts”) to see any that don’t show up on this page.

1 Comment:

natalie said...

That's amazing... I went through almost the same thing in college, huge depression, awesome roommate. She was a Christian and an awesome witness to me at the time though I was too stuck on myself to see it. I was so thankful later to have had her to lean on. I'm glad you had someone too, even if your feelings were misplaced. I hope you find the answers you need in regards to your homosexuality too.