So, it's late, and I'm breaking my long LONG blog silence to post this thing I just wrote out. I'm not sure if it's appropriate for this blog or not, but... I wrote it and I have nowhere else to put it, so it is going here... It's kind of raw and definitely unedited...I apologize in advance...
I've said it before… or blogged it before, I guess… but you know what I want? I want someone to care…to really want to know
about me. To be curious about my life,
for me to be a priority in their minds.
I’m not entirely sure what it would feel like, honestly, but
I imagine it would be awesome. It would
be amazing to have a conversation with someone where I wasn't the only one
asking questions… where I would say something and there would be follow up
questions because the person I am talking to actually wants to know more about
me. I seriously feel desperate for
it. I find myself saying things in
conversations on purpose to invite questions (which I know is passive
aggressive, so I try not to do it, but sometimes I can’t help it. I just really
want to feel someone’s interest), and no one asks,. Or they ask, and I get one or two sentences in
describing whatever it is I want to talk about and then they start talking
about themselves. And I revert to my
usual status of listening, and asking questions and follow up questions and
giving my opinion on their lives.
It’s been a lifelong thing, really… my mother doesn't know
me. Not really. It’s evident in her gifts to me which in no
way reflect any knowledge of who I am.
Seriously, she buys herself something and then just buys another one and
gives the second one to me. So I have
hats and pots and books that are just doubles of what are in her house. And I have so many memories of trying to
actually tell her about something in my life, a story from work or something,
and I will be saying something and all of a sudden she will say “Sorry, I wasn't
listening… what were you saying?”… which will deflate me, and now I don’t want
to tell her, but I will… and I can see her using all of her energy to try and
pay attention to something she clearly doesn't care about. It hurts.
Oh, and then there’s the times I've actually argued with her about who I
was. I remember when I was in middle
school and the whole introvert/extrovert, Myers-Briggs test was sort of
becoming popular. I remember asking her
and her friends who were talking about it one night what it all meant, and I
listened to their descriptions and said “oh, okay… I think I’m an introvert…”
and having all of these people, including my mother argue with me and insist
that I was an extrovert. None of them
would take my word for it, it drove me crazy.
My mother to this day doesn't think I’m an introvert, but that’s
partially because she thinks there’s something wrong with introverts. She would never say that specifically, but
she has said stuff like “wanting to be alone, there’s something wrong with that…”
so you know, that’s exactly what she’s saying, she just doesn't know she’s
saying it.
I’ve been kind of exploding with this recently. Stupid things like… I've been reading a lot
of books about history lately, and the other day I went out for dinner with a
friend of mine and wanted to talk about this book I read with her. So I did.
And the next week we were making plans again to hang out, and she actually
said to me “I want to go for dinner, but not if you’re going to talk about that
history stuff again…” and I was… hurt.
Of course. I mean, I get that not
everything that’s interesting to me is going to be interesting to everyone
around me, but well…a)that was rude, and b)I can’t tell you how many
conversations I've had with friends talking about things that are not
interesting to me, but are important to them, and because my friends are
important to me I listen and care about it.
Case in point, I went for dinner
with this friend again, and we spent the entire meal talking about her
work. Not exactly something that would
be of interest to me, but I listened and
engaged because she is my friend. I've
listened to my friends talk about their boyfriend/girlfriend issues till I was
blue in the face. When one of my best
friends had her kids, I listened to and engaged in endless conversations about
sleep training and potty training… not exactly riveting stuff, but stuff that
was obviously important to her, and consuming her thoughts at the time. I try to have one conversation about history
and apparently I've crossed a line?
Okay, so that was extreme, I know… most of my friends aren't
that rude. They just… are obviously not
interested. I say something and they don’t
engage and I either continue and feel really awkward or I eventually just fade out and start asking them
questions about their life that they want to talk about. Am I just so fucking boring? Or is it just a
lack of confidence on my part? I
remember once asking someone how they talked in group settings. Cause I find it really hard. I start to talk and people just talk over
me. I've been told by people the trick
is to just keep talking, but when I do that a)I feel horrible and b)it doesn't
work. People just keep talking over me
and no one pays attention.
I can’t change who I am entirely, I’m not going to figure
out the answer and become a master of self confidence, and learn how to command
attention. I don’t really want that
anyway… I don’t really like being the center of attention. But I would just like to feel that there is
one person who cares about what is going on in my head. Who I could sit there and talk about sleep
training or potty training, or what would be the equivalent in my life – a curriculum
change at my school, the latest book I've read on the Taiping Revolution, my thoughts about my coworkers… and this
person would care enough about me to
actually engage in a conversation (a two way conversation…not one where I just
talk and they don’t participate…) with me about it.
So… I would love to have a girlfriend… I would… but more
than that, I just want someone… someone who wants to know me. Is this selfish? Probably… maybe… And it’s definitely
late at night, and I’m definitely feeling super emotional. And I know that writing this post is prompted
by the fact that I have tried to have a conversation today with three different
friends about something weird that happened to me yesterday and I just can find
anyone who has the time to listen. And
maybe they are legitimately busy or whatever… but still… it shouldn't be
impossible for me to have this one bloody conversation… I should be able to
find someone to talk to. It’s not a
desperate situation, I’m not needing to talk about something life or death, I just
want to talk about this weird thing that happened… and there is no one… I have
no one that I can turn to who I feel I can trust will reliably be there to
listen to me, and to actually care to hear what I have to say. That’s what I want. More than a girlfriend right now, that’s what
I want…