Saturday, November 04, 2006

80. A Date... Maybe

So, I was trying to write this blog post when I realized that I’d written a perfectly good account of what I wanted to write about in a letter I just sent off to dear friend, so I’m just going to copy and paste it here. I don’t think she’ll mind, I’m only copying my words so…

I worry you? I know that this is about the gay thing, but I'm curious as to what the worry is about. Is it because of my last blog post... about hanging out with the lesbian group? Did you read that? Or just the gay stuff in general? Either way, I think that when I tell you what I did today it will probably worry the crap out of you. I went on a possible date with a girl I met at the club last weekend. I wasn't sure if it was a date before I went, and now that I've been out and back... well, I'm still not sure, but I kind of think it wasn't. … this past week has been crazy and awesome and new and scary and wonderful and... I've been flying high and giggling and girly and buzzing and trembling and all those things I've watched pretty much every single one of my straight friends go through... I've finally felt it and it kind of sucked because I know that sharing this with some of the people I love the most means that some of them won't talk to me, some of them will react with fear and some of them will react with disgust,,. absolutely none of the Christians I hold most dear will be happy for my happiness. (Heh, I now have a new answer to the 'when did you last cry' question, cause I'm crying right now... of course, I'm kind of laughing too so... does it still count?)

Now I know that I said in that post that I didn't intend on dating anyone... but well... I didn't expect to be asked out. This is entirely my own issue of self esteem and hating my body and all of that shit, but it never occurred to me that anyone would ask me, I figured as long as I didn't ask anyone else out it wouldn't happen. I met her last Saturday at a Halloween party at a lesbian club in Seoul. (heh, I just realized how much of that sentence would sound evil to a fundamentalist -- "Halloween", "party", "Lesbian", "club"... hee, probably even "Saturday") We danced together for pretty much 4 hours straight... she's actually pretty much the only Korean I've ever danced with who hasn't tried to press herself against me in a way that A) yes, I enjoy but B)freaks me right out. Anyway, we exchanged email addresses and had been MSNing (wow, that's an actual verb now...witness the evolution of the English language!) back and forth all week. We'd talked about getting together for a language exchange (she teaches me Korean, I teach her English) so... like I said, I'm still not sure if this was a date, and I kind of think it wasn't... but I'm honestly not sure. Either way, I don't really care. I had this week of feeling all girly and giggly, and really quite aware and alive and I'm glad... plus I learned some new Korean words today.

Anyway, I'm telling you all of this not expecting to change your mind or make you approve... because, quite frankly, I know you won't. But because I'm sick and tired of only being half of who I am with people. Damn it, I'm crying again.


Lyric said...

I am happy for you!

rainfalls said...

..."sick and tired of only being half of who I am with people."
Yes. i soo know what you mean there.

Anonymous said...

I understand what it is like to go through what your going through, having to be half real to your christain friends. I live in the middle of the bible belt, and i have to keep my g-friend a secrete

Michelle said...

This all must be pretty intense for you.

I'm straight and all but I can understand what it's like to be that kind of giddy and excited while at the same time it okay?