Tuesday, September 20, 2005

20. A Nightmare

It is 4:33 in the morning and I have just woken up from a very disturbing dream.  I dreamt that I was dating a strikingly beautiful woman and that I found out that she was the leader of a cult that abused children – beating them with the backs of brushes with nails in them.  If you read a certain part of this post, you might already know that this is pretty much the worst things my brain can come up with– abusing children… so I think I can safely call this dream a nightmare.  It’s kind of odd.  I don’t have nightmares very often.  Of course, now I’m wide awake and I have to clear my mind of these mental images before I can go back to sleep.  So, I thought I’d ‘blog my troubles away’.

One of the weird things about this dream is that in involved dating.  I very rarely have dreams about dating, or romance or whatever.  I have the occasional sex dream (as I suppose every sexually starved person does)… I wake up from those feeling slightly embarrassed and guilty and then I go on about my day.  But romance?  Relationship? I want those things way more than I want sex and yet they rarely show up in my dreams… and I suppose the part of me that is thinking ‘celibacy’ felt the need to punish me for dating a woman by throwing in the abuse stuff.  Oy.  The subconscious is a scary place, isn’t it?

I’ve been thinking a bit about the phrase “God-given rights”, and wondering what those are.  I’m not talking about human rights, or the rights of the child, or women’s rights, or even gay rights.  I’m wondering what are the rights we have that are given to us by God.  I guess the thing I’m specifically thinking about is this idea that I have the ‘right to be happy’.  I guess I’m just trying to figure out where this ‘right’ is promised me, because it’s certainly not biblical.  In the Bible I see no evidence that God ‘owes me’ the things that (I think) will make me happy.  (Oh man, I’m just imagining the comments I will get over that!)  What I recoil from is the apparent unfairness inherent in the system… how come some people get to be happy and others don’t?  I know that that is an incredibly juvenile thing to say – basically it boils down to whining, “…but it isn’t fair!” – and I’m not 6 years old, and I should know better.  Fairness is not the standard.  Justice (tempered with God’s unfathomable mercy) is.  And in the light of heaven, I suppose it will all balance out… I mean, after several millennia in eternity, who is going to care about a few decades of misery and loneliness, eh?  But I’m tired of hoping in heaven.  That may be blasphemous, I don’t know.  Maybe I should say I’m tired of that being my only hope.  

Maybe I just need to get out of here… get away from all of my married friends… my ‘married with children’ friends.  It’s inevitable, really, I’m 30.  I only have one unmarried/unattached friend – and she’s 24… it will happen eventually.  But that’s only a temporary solution.  Wherever I may go, whoever I meet, it happens.  People get married. I may go away anyway, though.  I’m tired of married people… tired of being around them and having this thing I want in front of my face all the time (Oh man, I can’t believe I just wrote that out… it’s the middle of the night, and I’m tired and uncensored… we’ll see if I leave that in).  

Okay, my thoughts are becoming wildly incoherent and bitter… I should probably go back to bed before I end up writing something I really shouldn’t.  I may have done that already…

Goodnight…er…Good Morning… whatever…


Eugene said...

For what it's worth, I often find myself asking the exact same questions. If I ever find a good answer I'll let you know, but I get the impression that life isn't meant to be that easy. :p

Eric said...

Hmm...i'm sexually starved (i'm not getting "any") and i rarely have sex dreams. *grin* - i'd kinda like to have them - *still grinning*

gosh, JJ, it does seem so unfair doesn't it? even before i journeyed into the gay community in my city, i felt so alone and bitter towards straight couples. but even in the gay community, i do feel that way still - alone...single...solitary. sigh.

one of the things that has always saddened me was arriving and leaving alone. for most of my Christian life, i've entered church service by myself. i enter my car to leave and drive away by myself. i've gone to bible studies by myself. even parties by myself. of course, i've had friends...but there's something about sitting next to someone - holding hands - having someone to share the experience with - to share life with.

you kinda figure that God would send us someone so that we wouldn't have to be alone. but what is it that would make us happy? and would receiving it draw us nearer or away from God?

sometimes i wonder that while i've been waiting for God, He, in fact, has been waiting for me. Perhaps, God is waiting for me to be ready for who He intends to send me. Am I not ready? Are we not ready? Maybe our companion isn't ready for us? Well darn, how much longer?

Yet He is God. He need not answer to me. I love Him with all that I am. Whether celibate, in a committted gay relationship, or transformed and enabled to enjoy a straight relationship....I love who He is and who He is in my life.

Sometimes, i don't feel complete. It sounds cliche but maybe when He is enough, then I am enough. Maybe He is who completes me. us.

side note: it's gotta be tough to live in a city where there isn't a high population of gay people. ever consider it?

Anonymous said...

There's a very good C. S. lewis essay called "We have no right to happiness" but as I recall it was mostly about adultery.

Short answer, no, you have no right to happiness from God because you have no "right" to anything from God. But God wants you to be happy cause He's kewl like dat.


Anonymous said...

I know that in the United States, the Constitution & Declaration of Independence states that we have "unalienable" rights or "God-given" rights or "natural" rights. The founding fathers believed that people have unalienable rights - or rights given from God. This website here talks more about it: http://www.lexrex.com/enlightened/AmericanIdeal/yardstick/pr3.html

But, I don't know really know where the founding fathers got that idea from, except from some philosophers like John Locke.